American holidays. They come a dime a dozen. Instead of traditional religious holy days, or public holidays recognized by the federal government, there just has to be a day, week, or month of recognition for every oppressed group under the sun. A period of time must be set aside, for the person or persons in question, for they can be celebrated and admonished with a specialized Hallmark card and balloons. Holidays of all shapes and sizes now only exist to feed the growth of industry that benefits in the commercialization of these bullshit secularized holidays. Do we really need an appointed date on the Gregorian calendar to celebrate National Taco Day?!? (October 4th by the way). I love me a good taco but fuck National Taco Day. These goofy ass made-up holidays have gone on for too long.
You only need a couple of holidays marked on your calendar. Christmas to New Years, Valentine’s Day, we don’t really need St. Paddy’s Day, Easter, Mother’s Day/Father’s Day, Independence Day, Halloween, I suppose Veteran’s Day and Thanksgiving. That’s it! That is all you get. Sure we can accommodate the various dates that Jews, Muslims, and Scientologists hold holy but those are extenuating circumstances. I don’t see the need for setting aside 24 hours to recognize someone with their special tribal and cultural identifications. In the American experience, holidays bring on unwanted stress and unnecessary consumption. They’ve strayed away from their foundational roots, have become an orgy of spending, and an excuse to take time off from work for an unearned rationale. Asinine holidays such as Peanut Butter Lover’s Day, Flag Day, The Feast of Beer Loving Monks, Take It In the Ear Day, Petroleum Day, Mardis Gras, Black Friday, and International David Hasselhoff Day, are taking up too much of our time and are yet another pointless distraction. But I suppose if you can’t beat em’ you might as well join em’. There’s room for yet another holiday so I have decided to create my own. One so bad ass, it will be internationally recognized for millennia to come. Every May 16th, people will be excused from school and work to honor Motherfucker’s Day.
Move over National Mimosa Day, Global Accessibility Awareness Day, National Piercing Day, National BBQ Day, Ride a Unicycle Day, and Wear Purple for Peace Day, and get out of the motherfuckin’ way! Motherfucker’s Day is a consecrated to recognize and honor all motherfuckers from the past, present, and future. Depending on the variant, paying homage to motherfuckers everywhere could be viewed in both a bad and good context. Recognizing O.J. as a murdering motherfucker or Kendrick Lamar as a talented motherfucker would earn both men praise on Motherfucker’s Day. Sick motherfuckers such as Bundy and Dahmer, Bad Mother Fuckers like Machine Gun Kelly and Kid Rock, along with cool motherfuckers such as Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff would all get recognized. Motherfuckers should not automatically assumed to be dirtbag/skumfucks named Bryan, who wear Hawaiian shirts, have mustaches, and seek out sexual encounters with MILFs. Those days are well past us. Instead the title of motherfucker bestowed upon thee is usually for either a good or bad attribute. It is in the eye of the beholder if it is in complimentary or negatory fashion.
Samuel L. Jackson will be anointed as the patron saint of this motherfucking holiday. Though he didn’t birth this most holy of motherfuckin’ words, this motherfucker has sanctified the word motherfucker so many times he should have a patent on it. It’s not just his tradecraft, Jackson lives by this motherfuckin’ credo each and every motherfuckin’ day. All of his character roles consist of likeable motherfuckers, and despite being in his seventies, SLJ is still one cool and hip motherfucker. Every May 16th we shall honor this motherfucker by burning incense at one of his deity statues with offerings of Grade A beef jerky and hot cocoa. He is the all-knowing and all-seeing motherfucker and will triumph over the motherfuckin’ monkey-AI god in the epic battle of good vs. evil. This motherfucker represents the contradiction that tests the souls of all men. So whenever a motherfucker wrongs you or helps you, make sure to say a prayer to Samuel L. Jackson. I guarantee by that praying to this motherfucker will deliver motherfucking results. And every time this Bad Motherfucker says motherfucker, God kisses a kitty.
Let’s just say your biological father Bart left your mother pregnant and alone after knocking her up after a chance sexual encounter in a Costco parking lot in San Diego. After wishing your courageous and brave Mom a happy Mother’s Day, you can call up Bart later in the week to wish him a happy Motherfucker’s Day. Going to the Hallmark store and getting a holiday appropriate card, you can send him holiday wishes by signing off: Thanks for being a deadbeat motherfucker to me and a lowlife motherfucker to Charlene. Happy Motherfucker’s Day! -Dennis. Even though you recognize your stepdad Kurt on Father’s Day, you still want to give him a shoutout on Motherfucker’s Day. Getting yet another card you put your personal touch on it: Kurt! Thanks for being a supportive motherfucker to mom and being an awesome motherfucker to me. I hope you enjoy the fishing pole I got you. Happy Motherfucker’s Day!- Dennis. The beauty of this holiday is that you can honor all mofos in your life. Motherfuckers that used your mom as a cum dumpster and motherfuckers that drove you to lacrosse practice.
Muthafuckas across the spectrum must be recognized all day long on May 16th. You don’t necessarily have to give them a formal presentation, a call or text will do just fine. Give a shout out to Justin who didn’t give you back your Puff Daddy CD when you lent it to him in 97. Give him a call to remind him that he still has your personal property and that he is a motherfucker to the max. Holla back at Ryan. That motherfucker was using your mom’s vibrator to whip up a bowl of batter to make chocolate chip cookies but instead spilled the bongwater on the shag carpet. Shame that motherfucker and wish him a happy Motherfucker’s Day. Ring up Seamus for embezzling twenty five grand from your sister for he could pay his tuition at DJ school. Remind him that a move like that can get a motherfucker killed, and happy Motherfucker’s Day. Don’t forget about Rafi. That slick motherfucker who sports a soul patch, flaunting his chest hair at dance clubs. That crazy motherfucker was your ultimate wingman and introduced you to your wife. Page him wishing him a most best Motherfucker’s Day.
Since we live in a society of MFs, it only makes sense to designate a holiday to every shady and badass mf’er that walks amongst us. We must include mothertruckers, motherfuggers, and motherhumpers into all feasts and festivals celebrated on Dieciseis de Mayo. Regardless if they are despicable assholes, lowlife cocksuckers, or solid dudes named Samuel L. Jackson, every motherfucker deserves a seat at my table on Motherfucker’s Day. We will partake in such traditions and rituals such as preparing the turkey with a Monster Energy Drink glaze, sucker punching each other in the the genitals, and starting a fundraiser to donate used calculators to Africa, we will make sure to turn this motherfucker out.
To all the muthaphuckaz out there, get in touch with your mojo from being a mofo. It don’t matter if you’re a motherfucking son of a bitch or a motherfucker with skills, come on out from the word work and let us pay homage to your motherfuckin’ azz. Motherfuggers like Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, and Isaac Hayes faced legal consequences to pay homage to proud motherfuckers everywhere. It doesn’t matter if you are bad or a badass MILF, DILF, GILF, FILF, or a Keebler Elf, let your inner muthafucka out for we can all pay tribute to your heroics. Without down-ass motherfuckers, rappers wouldn’t have anything to rap about. Let that sink in motherfucker. Even though Bruce Willis’s cognitive capabilities are in decline he still comes out every May 16th shouting out, “Yippee-Ki-Yay, Motherf*cker!” Whether it be today, or any other May 16th in the future, make sure to reach out to that special motherfucker in your life and wish them a happy Motherfucker’s Day.
Happy Motherfucker’s Day, motherfucker.
Brian Ss