Big Pharma's Breakthrough Innovation
There's no profit in an ounce of prevention
Research and development are the most vital tools for nation states and corporations to stimulate innovation. The ability to create new products and services is necessary for the economic evolution of a country. Without the continuing abilities for sustainable development, institutions become irrelevant and eventually die. The United States usually allocates between 2-4% of its budget to R&D. Without this consistent investment the economic engine of America would cease to exist. Approximately 90% of all technological and scientific breakthroughs are sourced at the nation’s universities through taxpayer funded research. The private sector contributes extraordinarily little but Hoovers up the patents to these inventions, eventually bringing them to the marketplace. Wonderful creations such as the smart phone, wireless power tools, and the majority of modern medicines can all be attributed to the public sector.
After bungling the AIDS epidemic, being solely responsible for this country’s opioid crisis, and utterly fucking everything up in the pandemic response, Big Pharma is not in good standing with the American citizenry. Big Oil, the Military-industrial complex, and even Wall Street polls higher than Big Pharma. Even Hate groups hate Big Pharma more than the minorities they hate on. Companies such as Pfizer and Moderna create make believe diseases then create bullshit remedies to make billions in profit.
Remember RLS, restless legs syndrome? There’s a bullshit ailment with an even bigger bullshit cure. Disease mongering has been around for 150 years and there is always a snake oil salesman around to sell you the magical potion. By creating made up pathogens, these pathological liars get paid handsome sums to perpetuate their bullshit. The cycle isn’t stopping either. Even class action lawsuits aren’t a deterrent. It’s now considered a cost of doing business for these massive insurers and multinational drug companies. So, the M.O. is this. Big Pharma organizations will scheme, pull a new disease out of their ass, purchase the product patent from the government to create a cure, then billions of dollars are earned by ripping off patients and Medicare. They say the cost of expensive new medicines is to offset the cost of internal research and development but that’s all kerfuffle. This systematic behavior is unethical and a direct violation of international law.
With their army of lobbyists and corrupted bureaucrats, Big Pharma keeps doing whatever the fuck it wants. They will continue to bend you over and profit from fairy tale diseases. Now they are focusing on finding a cure for an affliction that’s been around for a century. A disease that afflicts everyone regardless of gender, age, racial background, or socioeconomic standing. The cooties have affected everyone since their time in elementary school. Whether transmission was brought on by a game of tag, learning in a kindergarten classroom, or kissing an icky boy or girl, cooties has burned through humanity’s immune system. Thankfully, the good folks of Pfizer are hard at work in their laboratories in discovering a treatment for this god-awful disease. After FDA approval and introduction to the marketplace, clinical doctors are now prescribing Cooterica to the nation’s hypochondriacs.
There is no such thing as cooties, but if you watch nightly television with all of its pharma ads, you are easily convinced it’s real. With carefully crafted, slick TV commercials, you see a bunch of baby boomer retirees getting off the pickleball court. While laughing at a dinner party you observe an older man experiencing discomfort brought on by the cooties. After a strong dose of Cooterica he’s back to playing with his grandkids and going on an interracial double date with his wife. Listing off the side effects of suicidal thoughts and perineum blistering you are easily convinced that you have the cooties and that Cooterica may be right for you. The cooties virus may have been dormant in your body since you were in grade school, but now you can eradicate the cooties by ingesting a medicine that may actually cause health problems. Thanks to Cooterica, Pfizer’s stock price went up 8% last quarter as they continue to take advantage of a dumbed down populace.
By spreading misinformation and disinformation in medical journals, Big Pharma has decided that the eradication of cooties is their top priority. Forget preventable diseases and cancer, cooties is humanity’s number one invisible enemy. Being spread by airborne particles, shaking hands, and engaging in unprotected butt sex, cooties is now spreading beyond our control. Ravaging civilization, all authoritarian measures must be implemented to stop this awful scourge. Forcing people to mask up, silencing cooties deniers, and threatening people to take counter cooties meds has now become normalized behavior. Failing to believe in the cooties results in public shaming and being labeled cooties hesitant.
Thankfully, we can look to the guidance and wisdom of Anthony Fauci and Bill Gates to guide us through Cooties-25. Through their human experimentation trials and crimes against humanity from decades past, it’s only natural that these two incompetent witch doctors should take point in ridding the world of cooties. By the recommendation of the WHO, Gates and Fauci take to the airwaves suggesting that each member of the public take a daily dose of Cooterica via suppository. By shoving a gel pill up your ass three times a day, we can all go back to our normal lives and cooties will become endemic. With dissolvable pills melting in your anus, you can never contract nor spread cooties ever again.
Once Pfizer catches wind, wanting to cash in on the Cooties-mongering, they quickly buy up all the patents from the Cooties research lab belonging to the University of Phoenix online. Once their own scientists figure out a black magic cure through their phony alchemy, they decide it’s not cost effective and opt to go with a generic placebo to rid humanity of the cooties. Using capsule form Pepto Bismol, they change the imprint, mark up the price 150000% and bam, bring it to market. At $60 a pop, 3 times a day, and for every day for the rest of your life, you too can now be cooties free. Once it has been documented that you shoved the cooties pill up your ass for the first time, you no longer have to wear the Scarlett letter C upon your breast, and you can engage in air travel once again. I don’t know about you but if it takes shoving an overpriced pill up my ass three times a day, to regain my civil liberties and basic human rights, then sign me up. Never again will I seek the services of prostitutes on the Kinshasha (AKA AIDS) Highway. I wish to be cooties free and live my best life. God Bless Cooterica!
Cooties does not spread from person to person it only spreads in the minds of people from external fear and division. I find it disheartening when friends and family members turn against one another from dueling cooties narratives. Grandpa Jules says cooties is a load of bullshit, while Cousin Jenny says cooties spreads quicker because of racism and homophobia. When one of my neighbors called the other neighbor a cooties denier and accused him of being cooties hesitant, that neighbor spat on the one wearing a face mask. Cooties can affect the mind as much as the body, even though there is no verifiable research ever done on that topic. Once cooties hysteria takes shape it hijacks the human soul. When my good friend lost his job at the local school district, since he didn’t want to insert pills up his booty hole every day, I started to question the experts. The road to hell is paved with experts, but the hottest parts are constructed by compromised medical experts.
This is America, which means you can believe whatever you want. Most people have figured out that cooties doesn’t exist by the time they are nine. However, a lot of people can easily be swayed that the cooties comeback is real. When you watch the nightly news, brought to you by Pfizer, it is easy to forfeit your critical thinking capacity and shove pills up your ass to ward off a make-believe disease. Don’t outsource your thinking to powerful institutions and buy overpriced products that were created in a lab funded by your taxpayer dollars. If we don’t take a stand now the authorities will continue to muddy reality. You will not be able to distinguish actual threats from make believe ones. Keep living in the Matrix but eventually you will need a strong dose of red pills shoved up your ass to finally figure out that cooties aren’t real.
There’s no thrills in pills.
Brian Ss
