Briantology
Iron, like a Brian, in Zion
As America and Western Civilization navigates its way through a spiritual crisis, some critics have suggested a great awakening is upon us. For the last fifty years citizens of the west have drifted into the abyss, exchanging spiritual fulfillment for materialism and self-actualized objectives. We have gone from the We generation to the Me generation. Nietzsche anticipated a Godless future saying, “when the West severed it’s spiritual anchor that it would drift into the darkness.” As we stand on the precipice of a second dark age let us all hope humanity can be on the same theological wavelength.
Since the end of World War 2, church attendance has plummeted. Cultural critics will say that more people have become enlightened and moved away from traditional religious institutions. However, in the absence of traditional religion with its built in moral compass, a lot of people have fallen prey to alternative religions. It could be Eastern religions such as Buddhism and Hinduism (think the pilgrimage routes on the hippy highway) or western religious cults such as Manson Family and Scientology. The soul is constantly seeking spiritual fulfillment and when it doesn’t get its weekly fix, it searches for affirmation elsewhere. Every decade, every generation, and every era hosts a new wave of -isms and -ologies to satisfy the spiritual curiosity of the masses.
In the year of our Lord 2026 most people are confused and looking for answers. Our technocratic and billionaire classes have become false idols and haven’t provided the average citizen with the spiritual currency they were promised. Our world leaders have to be the biggest bunch of assbags since the decline of the Roman Empire. Nobody is listening to them anymore with widespread disillusionment setting in amongst the populace. When people get desperate and are looking for a sign, this is when new ideas take hold and become adopted doctrine. May I suggest lending an ear to my newly conceived new age religion, Briantology. I, Brian, have the answers you are looking for and will lead you towards Nirvana (the band, not the ultimate state of salvation).
I, Brian, need to be viewed not as the messiah but rather as a studly monk. The study of all things Brian will have you viewing the world in the here and now and will set you forth on the righteous path. Not only is Brian an Irish masculine name meaning high or noble in Old Celtic, in Aramaic Brian means one you must follow and listen to. Brian is an anagram for brain and you must put place your attention towards a Brian and heed your attention to the fullest. Brian can show you many things but Brian will not beg. Deifying my holy name to El Bri-Yon Cupboard shows you that I am elevated and way more credible than that fucking quack L. Ron Hubbard. We went to the same high school, I swear to Brian.
If you have questions about Briantology come down to one of my many testing facilities where we analyze your capacity for Brianetics. Brian/Bryans are the chosen dudes and one must brush up on your Brian history if you ever hope to become a full-fledged member into the Church of Briantology of Later in the Day Saints. A couple of facts to keep in mind. Walt White, the greatest character in television history is a Bryan (Cranston). Bryan Adams is the greatest rock god of all time, hands down. Scarface was directed by Brian De Palma. The lead singer of AC/DC is Brian Johnson. Bryan Johnson is a longevity expert with a penis that has a biological age of 18. Brian Urlacher played for the Chicago Bears. Brian Williams is a journalist who was demoted over his war correspondent embellishments. Brian Epstein was considered the fifth member of the Beatles and wasn’t related to Jeffrey Epstein. Brian Bosworth is the sheriff in Dr. Pepper commercials. Brian Boitano is the greatest figure skater of all time and has bedded more women than Wilt Chamberlain. Brian Boru was an Irish king and overall badass. Brian Austin Green was on 90210 and had sex with Meghan Fox. Brian Griffin is a white Labrador retriever and is a regular character on Family Guy. Know these factoids by heart if you ever want to pass the Brianetics test and pay $249.99 for monthly membership into my Church of Briantology.
Many notable Hollywood personalities of joined the Church of Briantology in recent years. It gives us good mainstream exposure and solidifies our tax-exempt status. Brian Dennehy has been with us from the beginning since our inception in 1980. Before Bryan Cox found critical acclaim in Succession, he was initiated in the Church of Briantology in 1997. Brian May, lead guitarist of Queen, converted after Live Aid when he felt Hinduism wasn’t working out for him. After experiencing burnout from touring with the Backstreet Boys for several years, member Brian Littrell confessed to being saved by Briantology. After a successful stint in The Office, playing Kevin, Brian Baumgartner converted in 2016 and does public speaking engagements spreading the gospel of Brian. Famous R&B singer Brian McKnight has been a member since 1999 and recently baptized his son Brian Kainoa Makoa McKnight into the Church of Briantology. Bryan Mills, Liam Neeson’s character in Taken was made an honorary member of the Brian/Bryan Hall of Fame in 2019 and was later canonized. It is even rumored that Liam Neeson is a crypto Briantologist and prays to the west five times a day for spiritual fulfillment.
In 2011, at an archeological dig in Ethiopia, the lost scriptures of the Book of Brian were discovered and revealed to the world for the first time. Originally believed to be a lost book of the Old Testament, it is widely believed that the Book of Brian was hidden in Jerusalem for thousands of years before being transported to the Ethiopian countryside by the Knights Templar. In the religious texts, as recorded by the ancient sages, Brian was known as the patriarch of patriarchs. Brian was in fact the father of Abraham and Noah’s stepdad. Having lived to the age of 986, he had several wives and roamed around the Levant preaching the goodness of all things Brian. Surviving both Jericho & Sodom and Gomorrah, an epiphany came to Brian realizing that the Middle East isn’t very nice and suitable for his lifestyle. Buying a place near Aspen, Brian moved with his seven wives, 2 concubines, 14 children, and 156 sheep to a ranch in the Roaring Fork Valley. Despite moving, his texts lived on and were sheltered for thousands of years widely believed to be the ultimate book interpreting the hidden knowledge. The teachings of Brian live on, and the scribes are still housed in a secret tomb high up in the Ethiopian mountains.
Brian 40:12-And so says the Lord, I shall bless those who bless Brian, and all Ryans can suck it.
In the Church of Briantology, Ryan is widely viewed as the anti-Brian. He is the essence of evil and the kind of guy that will take the last piece of pizza and try to fuck your sister. All Brians view Ryan as their arch nemesis where a burning of pine needles must take place to rid of Ryan’s unholy presence. In the ongoing battle between good and evil, Brians are the good guys while Ryans are the bad boys who would spray paint phallic imagery on your garage door. Ryans shoplift from the Dollar Store and go out of their way to make kindergartners cry. His unholier than thou attitude will set the stage for Armageddon where the Brians will triumph over the Ryans and the world will know a thousand years of peace. So, the next time you see Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling broing down at the pizzeria, turn around and run.
We Briantologists adhere to a strict code of conduct. Much like the Code of Hammurabi or Moses’ commandments carved in rock-hard paper, Briantology envisions 10 rules for living a fulfilled and pious life.
There is no better man than a Brian. Brians deserve special privileges like being first in line at the airport’s TSA checkpoint.
You shall not watch American Idol. It is hosted by Ryan Seacrest who is the epitome of an anti-Brian.
You shall not take the name Brian in vain. If a Brian consumes the last Monster Energy Drink in your fridge, turn the other cheek, grin and bear.
Keep Sunday as a fun day.
Honor your Brian and Bryan.
Thou shall not kill, unless that person is a Ryan trying to carjack your Kia.
Do not commit the sin of adulting. The Brian philosophy is to have fun in the now. Important tasks can be performed tomorrow.
Don’t even think about stealing from a Brian. Not only will we cut your hand off, but we’ll also shove it up your ass.
Do not bear false witness against a Brian, only against Ryan.
Do not covet a Brian’s significant other. Not cool brah.
Look, we’re all searching for answers, and in the absence of adhering to the teachings of a monotheistic religion, man is lost. 95% of the populace needs some sort of ideology to reach spiritual fulfillment, and in the absence of God, people fall victims to cults and idiot ideologies. There is no need to listen to false prophets when you can surrender yourself to the teachings of Briantology. All Brians walk the walk and talk the talk. Never listen to Joseph Smith or L. Ron Hubbard, they will lead you down a path of doom. Brians of all shapes and sizes are living patriarchs and can show you down the road to righteousness. Whether it’s Brian, Bryan, Brianus or the ebonized version of Bree-Yon, surrender yourself to the ultimate teacher and let Brian reveal the hidden knowledge of Briantology. The forces of Ryan live amongst us and we must follow Brian to be delivered from the forces of evil. Becoming a full fledged member into the Brotherhood of Briantology will lead you to salvation and happiness. For only your fellow Brian can interpret the tree of knowledge and make sense of the universe’s dichotomy.
Brian Ss