Disciplining Drivers that Lollygag in the Left Lane
Give it Some Gas, Make a Pass, Get Back in the Right Lane or it's Your Ass!
Do you know what pisses me off? Drivers that take it nice and slow in the passing lane. I thought this used to only happen in California but now it happens everywhere nowadays. People just out for a cruise, taking their sweet ass time, are messing things up for the rest of us who move with a sense of purpose. These clueless dipshits don’t even seem to notice this unholy behavior. One of the more frustrating things about this phenomenon is that drivers that engage in this depraved action never get punished for it. I have never heard of or seen anybody getting written up for driving slow in the fast lane. Something’s got to change. You slow asses are messing up people’s personal agendas, the flow of commerce, and are flouting society’s conventions. If state legislatures and local law enforcement won’t do anything about it, it’s time to take matters into our own hands. Vigilante justice is one thing but it’s high time to apply tribal savagery to make sure this doesn’t happen anymore.
You get one warning! That’s it! Second violation we’ll let you live but the punishment is one you’ll never forget. The slow driver in the passing lane shall be escorted off the freeway ramp by four outraged drivers. Forced out of the car they will be slammed to the ground, arms pinned behind their back with their face being rubbed in elephant feces. The carnival was recently in town and there was a lot of dung to go around. Hopefully, this act is one and done and the slow driver gets the message. Never again will Tammy drag ass in the passing lane. She will haul ass and quickly signal right to get back into the normal lane. Carry on Tammy, carry on.
Some people just can’t get the message and that’s why they will be met with brute force. Cruel and unusual punishment was something that we got rid of several hundred years ago but now it’s time to bring it back. Your 8th amendment rights do not matter in this circumstance. How else are these clueless motherfuckers going to get the message? In ancient times they did not tolerate slow drivers in the passing lane. In Roman times, when a chariot was maneuvering slowly in the perceived fast route, the offender was quickly detained. He was then led by two guards with a bag over his head. A large canvas bag was laid out on the ground where a monkey, a dog, a snake, and a rooster were tied up with the slow chariot driver then drowned in the river. The local people from the settlement were forced to watch and slow chariot driving dropped 98% in the ensuing month.
Do you remember the end scene of Braveheart? I sure do. That’s why that Toyota Prius driver doing 65 mph in the left lane, when the posted speed limit is 75, shall be met with swift and brutal justice. Asher just can’t get the message, so he’ll pay for it in a creative fashion. Having all of his limbs tied down a nearby fire burns close by. After being castrated and disemboweled his genitals and intestines are thrown into the fire. Realizing the acrid smell that is piercing his nostrils is his own flesh he lets out a bloody scream. The executioners prolong the agony to make an example out of him. He is then quartered and decapitated with his limbs & head placed on a spike by the freeway on ramps where the infraction occurred. The visual aid serves as a reminder to motorists getting on I-70 eastbound.
After passing the line of cars he intended on maneuvering around, Trevor forgot to get back into the right lane. Driving his Dodge Ram, he began fidgeting with his Sirius XM trying to find the pop country music network. His complacency at the common pass will lead to the end of his ass. After he is forced off the road and detained by bloodthirsty drivers, he is subjected to the Viking Blood Eagle. This is a torture ritual where Trevor’s hands and legs are tied up to prevent any sudden movements. The designated executioner (Bonnie in this particular case) stabs Trevor in the tail bone with a knife and moves up to the rib cage. Each rib is then separated with the assistance of an ax. With Trevor’s internal organs on full display Bonnie rubs salt into the open wounds to keep Trevor fully awake. She then proceeds to pull Trevor’s lungs out to form the bloody wings and to pay homage to Odin. Never again will Trevor slow down his fellow drivers, and never again will Bonnie be late to her granddaughter’s soccer game.
Yolanda is oblivious and is preoccupied with talking on her mobile device. She’s hollering at her girlfriends to see where they will be partying at later. Bad mistake. Behind her are several vehicles whose drivers are very creative when it comes to the art of torture. After she is rammed off the road and forced off at a rest stop, the drivers that are running late do the unthinkable. Both cheap and cheerful, public spanking is only reserved for the most sadistic vengeance. One of the drivers just so happens to be former NFL tight end Shannon Sharpe. Having her limbs restrained, Yolanda’s Lululemon pants are then pulled down readying her for some good ol’ fashioned highway justice. Taking his meaty hands to her bare ass, Mr. Sharpe applies such brute force that Yolanda passes out from the trauma. The entire incident is filmed on an iPhone and posted to YouTube as a warning to other clueless drivers. When the video went viral it is believed passing lane infractions dropped to zero.
Braden starts the hill climb up the on ramp at the posted speed limit. He is fully aware of his surroundings and frequently checks the rear and sideview mirrors as he drives his mother’s Chrysler Town & Country. Recognizing the old lady driving the Buick in front of him is driving slowly, he toggles the handle of the turn signal indicating he is readying to pass. But the old lady in the Buick is having none of this nonsense. She speeds up and won’t allow Braden to overtake her. Braden tries again but to no avail. After another unsuccessful attempt, an 18-wheeler rear ends him into the guardrail. The ruthless crowd that detains him discovers he has no prior convictions of driving slow in the passing lane. There will be no one-time warning today. It has been decided he will be subjected to a virgin sacrifice to appease the gods of the Department of Transportation. He is castrated and bleeds out as a result. His genitals are stuffed in his mouth, and he is impaled from his anus through the top of his skull. His body is left on full display near mile marker 163. It doesn’t matter that he was a Student Driver, this sort of behavior will no longer be tolerated.
Commuters, commercial drivers, weekend warriors, anyone with a car across this great nation, please heed this warning. Don’t be that guy that approaches the passing lane at cruising speed and doesn’t get back into the right lane quickly. There are methods and ways to deal with this habitual behavior. The nation’s highways are the circulatory system of this continent. Clots create problems and now you will be personally responsible for the headaches you cause while driving like a fucktard in the left lane. This ain’t Britain, so please pass and move your ass for the rest of us can continue on our journey. Thank you and have a wonderful day.
Brian Ss
