Don't Feed The Bears
"For the Benefit and Enjoyment of the People." -Inscription upon Roosevelt Arch
Every summer, millions of tourists travel to Yellowstone National Park in the hope of experiencing wildlife watching in its most natural environment. People from all over the world pack the roadways and situate themselves at the numerous viewing galleries, in hopes of catching a glimpse of the beautiful animals in their natural habitat. Elk, buffalo, wolves, and even bears can be seen coming out of the sprawling forests and grazing the valley floors as nature intended. Witnessing these beautiful animals in their sanctuaries is awe inspiring and creates memories that will last a lifetime.
Within the center of these delicate ecosystems the wildlife tapestry threads these critical habitats as God intended. President Theodore Roosevelt wanted America’s citizens to have a front row seat to Yellowstone’s ungulate species and to the full complement of predators. Seeing the bison calves frolicking and trying to keep up with the herd always pulls at the heart strings of those in attendance. One must be aware at all times of the wildlife’s presence for both human and animal are in no way endangered.
Driving through the north entrance at Gardiner, the MacKinnon family cruises along at the posted speed limit in their Subaru Forester. They are the classic nuclear family coming all the way from Bloomington, Indiana. John MacKinnon is the father and is an insurance salesman. Kelsey MacKinnon is a devoted wife and nurse practitioner. Lindsey is their daughter and will be attending the sixth grade in the fall. Tucker is a crazy little guy and is on his way to the third grade. The MacKinnons are a very loving family and are steeped in strong Christian values. This is their family’s first trip to Yellowstone National Park. Paying the entry fee and talking to the ranger at the gate, John MacKinnon decides to bypass the Lower Falls for today and head directly east towards the Lamar Valley. Little Tucker can’t wait to see a buffalo and can hardly contain his excitement. Pulling off to the side of the road, the MacKinnons exit the vehicle and prepare themselves for the roadside briefing getting underway.
“Good day everybody, my name is Ranger Dan. If this is your first day in the park, welcome to Yellowstone. These are your public lands so treat them with the kindness and respect they deserve. A couple of rules to abide by. 1. Do not get too close to the animals for photographic purposes. Whether you want a closeup or a selfie, don’t even think about it. Every year about a dozen people get gored and trampled from getting too close. 2. Do not taunt the animals. Yelling, flailing of limbs, and using devices to get an animal’s attention is prohibited and puts your life in danger. 3. The most important warning I will be giving you today. Whatever you do, do not feed the bears! It puts both your life and their life in danger. Remember. A fed bear is a dead bear!
Heeding the advice from Ranger Dan, the MacKinnons find a place to post up. Laying out a picnic blanket they find a nice little hill to view the buffalo through binoculars and have a family lunch. On the other side of the road lies a forest. At the briefing they were warned that sometimes bears will wander out of the woodwork in search of food from the tourists. John MacKinnon watches his six to be bear aware at all times. Unpacking homemade sandwiches and tearing open a big bag of chips, Kelsey MacKinnon proceeds in feeding her children. Chewing food and watching the buffalo roam from a comfortable distance, the MacKinnon family are enjoying this iconic moment. From the tree line, two bulky men with rugged dispositions walk casually towards the family. Both are wearing jean shorts, leather vests, with no undershirts and a considerable amount of chest hair emulating from their masculine physiques. The older, larger man has a beard while the younger, slightly smaller one has a shaggy goatee.
“Hey folks how are you all doing today,” the older asks in a soft sincere tone. “My name is Sebastian, and this is my lover, Toby. Say do you have any food you could give us?” Perplexed at the recent development John is at a loss of words. “I see you guys have a family pack of string cheese, why not give us a couple of sticks. Toby is hungry little bear cub and needs sustenance,” Sebastian says tickling his companion under the chin.
“Who are you guys,” John asks with concern.
“Why we’re your resident bears. So, what do you say about sparing us some of those Lays Barbecue Potato Chips? We’re still coming out of hibernation and looking to get our girth up. Us bears need at least four thousand calories a day to maintain our beefy physiques and to make our fur shine.”
“Uuugh, we don’t have enough food. I only packed for the two and a half days that my family and I are going to be here,” John says defiantly. “Besides, Ranger Dan told us we can’t feed you guys.”
“C’mon man we need food for energy. Don’t you want us to be hunky and chunky for all of the park’s visitors? We can’t’ sing bearoke on empty stomachs. Constant snacks are what we crave for we can be funky and spunky on stage as we growl into the microphone singing It’s Raining Men.”
“You bears shoo, get away from the sandwiches,” Mama Bear MacKinnon says taking a broom to the two aggressive bears. Realizing that they’re unsuccessful, Sebastian and Toby bear crawl towards the next unsuspecting picnic party.
Within the gay community, certain men identify with common critters. It’s mostly based off of body type. There are many creatures in the queer animal kingdom. There is the otter, the wolf, the gym rat, the giraffe, the pig, the unicorn, the pup, the bull, and last but not least the bear. A bear is a larger and hairier man who embraces rugged masculinity. They shun men who exhibit effeminate characteristics. Being on the bigger side doesn’t necessarily mean they are obese or overweight. Their bulk is a fine balance between muscle and fat. Body hair is readily accepted. Full-fledged chest and back hair are always welcomed. Facial hair patterns whether they are beards, mustaches or shaggy goatees are another trademark of this burly subcommunity. But what makes a real bear is his acceptance and kindness towards others.
Every June, in solidarity with pride month, the National Park Service grants fifty thousand acres of Yellowstone’s pristine wilderness to the bear community. It is estimated that anywhere between eighty to one hundred thousand men attend the month-long extravaganza. The common misperception that bears only attend pool parties, beach gatherings, or go on bear cruises out of Key West is a long misunderstanding. Bears usually like to hang out in the woods where they can have raves, sculpt their bodies with heavy weights, and have hot tub parties. But what they enjoy is strutting their stuff and vogue for the onlookers. These beefy bears and their cuddly cubs get the most attention of any native Yellowstone species. The one challenge they always have is that they never pack enough food for their foray into the wilderness.
Resuming their lunch after the awkward interruption, the MacKinnons continue to finish their plates of sandwiches and chips. Second helpings of fruit salad are passed around freely. Out of John MacKinnon’s lateral vision two men wearing flannel cut offs, skimpy jean shorts, and rugged hiking boots aggressively prowl towards the family.
“Toodly doodly doo, how are you,” the older man of the couple asks. “I’m Ringo and this is my little Brazilian buttercup Carlos-Luiz. Are you beautiful people enjoying all of the wildlife viewing today?”
“Uh, yeah sure,” John says timidly.
“We are as well. Say have you guys seen a black bear before in the wild?”
“Can’t say that we have,” John says playing along.
“Well, you’re in luck today. Carlos-Luiz’s dark complexion makes him the cutest black bear cub in the park. I caught one glance of his chocolate yumminess and rescued him down from the tree. We’ve been inseparable ever since.”
“That’s marvelous,” John says focusing on the range with his binos.
“So uh, do you have any extra food we could have,” the older bearded bear asks with puppy dog eyes.
“We actually don’t right now,”
“But I see a full spread of food laid out before you. Me and Carlos-Luiz aren’t looking for a full meal, just a little tasty treat or Scooby snack if you could spare it. I see some Slim Jims peeking out of your Yeti.”
“That’s food for the kids Ringo. “We didn’t pack accordingly to accommodate all of you bears.”
“Well gee-whiz mister. We worked hard all morning in building the stage for tonight’s DJ event and then we did strongman training in the woods. I tossed the kegs like nobody’s business and now my husky and musky physique demands mass calories. He had a little smoked salmon and honey this morning, but now Carlos-Luiz’s tum-tum is growling. We need to keep some chub on this cub. How about if I give you a nice bear hug and you’ll give us a few Oreos?”
“No way, we’re following park protocols.”
From the other side of the highway, a slight rustling emulated from a timber pile. A dark-haired man with a lean, muscular build, wearing a tank top with khakis began to sneak up on Carlos-Luiz.
“Wolf,” somebody cried out from the line-up.
“Oh hell no,” Ringo yelled out at the top of his lungs. What did I tell you yesterday, Billy!?! Stay the fuck away from my bear cub.
“I saw him first,” Billy said woofing aggressively.
Swinging his meaty paw, Ringo connects his manly hand to the side of Billy’s head, dazing him. The thick brown hair on his arms, shoulders, and back glistens in the violent struggle. Growling at the wolf, Ringo connects another paw swipe making Billy’s ear bleed and causing him to howl. After going full grizzly, he successfully protects his little black bear cub from the predatory wolf. After the ruckus, Ringo and Carlos-Luiz head down the road for better food prospects.
“Who’s ready for dessert,” Kelsey MacKinnon says asking Lindsey and Tucker.
“I am mommy,” Tucker says with glee. “Can I have a Klondike Bar?”
“You sure can my love.”
Tearing into the dessert wrapper, Tucker proceeds to shove the ice cream bar into his face. Dripping down his chin the vanilla ice cream and chocolate coating is a cute site. Unfortunately for Tucker the mess he has created has attracted two more bears to the family picnic.
“Greetings my fellow human travelers,” a tall sixty-year-old man gestures. Shirtless and wearing a pair of beach shorts modeled after the Bear flag, he sports a salt and peppered spiked up mane with a sophisticated beard. His body hair is mostly white, and he is primed to be the alpha at the event. Certain people may mistake this man as a silver fox or silver back, but he is a full-on polar bear. “My name is Artemis Octavius the III. I am one of the founders of this fine event. This is my Lil’ Panda Bear Xiong. I flew him in from China last week.” Speaking in a booming voice, Artemis commands respect from all that listen. His stature and presence make him look as if he’s from Atlantis. “Young man may I have a bite off that Klondike bar?” Tucker freezes up, not knowing what to say.
“No, you can’t have a bite off my son’s dessert,” Kelsey MacKinnon interjects. “What do you think this is?”
“Well can I have new one? Afterall the wrapper bears my image.”
“Sir with all due respect the rangers told us not to be giving food out to you bears. Besides, you’re not going to be taking food out of my children’s mouth’s either!”
“Xiong wait over there,” Artemis tells Xiong giving him a playful tap on his Panda backside. Look lady, I took a polar bear plunge in an ice barrel this morning to keep me revitalized. Do you have any ideas how many calories that burns? I ran out of kippered snacks and now I’m feeling so hyper carnivorous I could cannibalize Winnie the Pooh right now. At the very least, please give me one of those otter pops over there to share with Xiong.”
“No mister! Take the trip to Gardiner and replenish your own resources. If you and your den of bears are out of food, drive the hour north, and go crazy. We didn’t plan ahead to provide for strangers!”
“Don’t tell me to go crazy, for Pete’s sake lady I’m bipolar. Look, Xiong ate all of his bamboo bars this morning. We’re out of the bare necessities. I gotta keep his tummy tubby to keep my cubby chubby. Just give me a little sugar to take to my sugar bear. Don’t ruin the bruin!
“The answer is no. Now leave us alone.”
Slightly pulling down his trunks Artemis reveals a tattoo on his hip flexor of the universal bear paw. “You see this lady? It means I’m a made man in this sanctuary of beardom. “I could have any gruffy and scruffy bear here! It’s a bear market, but I choose to be with Xiong since he’s an endangered species. Don’t make me sick the leather bears on you and your family.”
Feeling threatened, Kelsey Mackinnon being the mama bear that she is, unholsters the bear spray and hits Artemis directly in the face.
“Ah, fuck you goldilocks,” Artemis says screaming in agony. Plunging his head into the nearby creek for relief the chemical agent still irritates his eyes. Corralling Xiong, the two nudge their way back into the tree line where the Slip ‘N Slide and Super Soakers are in full affect. The Bear Fest continues to get more and more hairier.
“Should we just go already,” an annoyed Mr. MacKinnon asks his wife. “These bears are starting to get on my nerves and now they’re nagging the kids for food. That polar bear almost mauled Tucker for his ice cream bar.”
“Now John, you said that you wanted the kids to see a real live bear in the wild before we set out on this adventure. We haven’t had the best luck as of yet but I’m sure if we hang on, we’ll see one soon enough.”
The situation becomes even more animated as a new cast of characters keep on showing up and making their rounds. Stumbling out of the woodwork Yogi and Boo-Boo come on to the scene and make their presence felt. Yogi is wearing a fuchsia Hawaiian shirt as Boo-Boo sports a tank top with the phrase BILF Bait. Their bear wear is the best anywhere and everywhere. “Hey, hey folks how you doin’,” Yogi says asking the MacKinnons how everything is going. “Mighty fine day, wouldn’t you say?”
“That it is,” Mr. Quinn says with warranted suspicion. “What’s your guys’ story?”
“Well uh, me and Boo Boo met in Chicago on GROWLr.”
“GROWLr?”
“It’s like Grindr, but for us bears. We met up at a bear bar and split a growler. That is where our relationship started. Sharing a love for Chicago sports I took him to a Bears game while he in turn took me to a Cubs game. As our courtship progressed, we would attend Justin Timberlake concerts, and we fell madly in love. We took summer jobs out at Jellystone Park and have been together ever since. As of now, we are showing solidarity with our fellow bears.”
“Yo-gi,” Boo Boo says whining in the background. “I’m hun-gry.”
“Don’t you worry Boo-Boo. Papa Bear is working on it.”
“You’re not getting any of our food,” Mr. MacKinnon says defiantly. “I never would have guessed that we had to bear proof our provisions from you probing bears.”
“Ah C’mon mister, can’t you see my little Boo-Boo needs some foo-food?!? He’s diabetic if he doesn’t get some calories in him, he’ll go into shock. You don’t want that on your conscious now do do you?”
“It’s not happening.”
“Is the pope catholic or does a bear shit in the woods, utilizing Charmin? I see the abundance of sandwiches you have in that picnic basket. How bout sparing some cold cuts for my Boo-Boo to normalize his blood sugar?”
“Absolutely not. If you were smarter than the average bear you would have come prepared!”
Fifty feet away an oblivious tourist lights up a cigarette and starts puffing. A hulk of a man barrels out of nowhere to confront the idiotic sight seer. He looks like a sasquatch but upon closer examination he becomes a familiar face. “ONLY YOU can prevent forest fires,” a fella by the name of Smokey says lambasting the tourist. Tall, handsome, sporting blue jeans with no shirt and a brown round, Smokey is smoking hot and doesn’t date scrubs, only cubs.
“Yogi Berenson,” Smokey says recognizing a familiar face. “I knew our paths would cross again, you bastard. What the hell are you doing here? Trying to flaunt your bare ass again? You’re a disgrace to what you did to the bears back in ‘05!”
“You two know each other,” Mr. MacKinnon asks hastily.
“Yogi thought it was a clever idea to bear false witness against me when we were at Bear Fest in Glacier National Park in ‘97. He accused me of stealing huckleberry pies and stole my boy toy Paddington away from me. The humiliation was unbearable. All these years I’ve exercised forbearance, but it’s been tough to get my bearings back. Yogi was once thought of as a torchbearer for the community, but he betrayed me by being the bear-whore that he is.”
“Ah cam on Smokey, that was a long time ago,” Yogi says pleading uncomfortably. “From what I’ve heard you’ve been a chaser ever since you signed up for the Dancing Bear Strippers. Let bygones be bygones.”
“You took the love of my life you son of a bitch. My life was barren for years after that. Taking another man’s cub is the ultimate betrayal. Any now, I suppose I’ll take your cub. I’m going to put the voodoo on your Boo-Boo. Come here lil guy, daddy’s got some Corn Nuts.”
“Run to the hills and up a tree Boo-Boo,” Yogi says screaming at his lover. “Smokey wants to schlub the cub!” Taking off in bear crawl fashion, Boo-Boo hops up an embankment along the road.
“Get over here you little bitch,” Smoky says defiantly. “He’s mine! I’m taking him bare back!” Stumbling up the embankment Smokey eventually gets to full stride, gaining momentum. Jumping off the terrace and into the road, Boo-Boo weaves in and out of the oncoming traffic. Looking over his shoulder, seeing a lustful Smokey, his pucker factor is high. Getting close enough for a swipe, Smokey is now within striking range of Boo-Boo. Pivoting slightly, Boo-Boo changes trajectory to avoid the unwanted advances. Taking a few more steps he is hit head-on by a Kia Telluride. Convulsing, his little body eventually succumbs to the trauma and is lifeless on the road.
“Boo-Boooooooooo,” Yogi says running over to his companion. “Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy!?!
“Now you know what it feels like Yogi,” Smokey says casually with his arms folded. “No need to boohoo your Boo-Boo.”
Gritting his teeth and belting out a growl Yogi squares up to Smokey. “You bastard! You murdered the love of my life.” Pulling out a .44 magnum from his backside, Yogi takes center aim at Smokey, blowing his head off. Hitting the ground and bleeding profusely the look in Smokey’s face is one of shock. Standing over his bear body Yogi unloads five more rounds into Smokey. “This is what happens when you take away a man’s bear essentials! Only you can prevent gunfire in the forest, you bottom bum bandit son of a bitch!”
Witnessing the entire violent sequence in real time, the MacKinnons’’ mouths drop in horror. The dead cub’s body on the highway leaves them shell-shocked and in disbelief. Attempting to explain to their children what they just witnessed is futile. “C’mon Kelsey, grab the kids and let’s go,” a disillusioned John MacKinnon says shaking his head. “Next year we’re going on a Caribbean cruise. I can barely hold it together. I don’t ever want to see another bear again.” Piling into the Subaru, the MacKinnons head north and out of the park. No member would ever set foot in Yellowstone ever again.
Let this tale be a warning to all of you wildlife tourists out there. Just because you have a surplus of food and want to dish it out to bicurious bears, don’t even think about it! If we want to preserve the bears for future generations, it’s best to let them forage for their own food. Never cave to the caloric demands of gruff men and their cubby boy toys. They can fend for themselves in their bear sanctuaries. Don’t you dare put spread on that bread. For a fed bear is a dead bear.
Brian Ss
