E.L.F.
If we want to feel good about ourselves, we must support the elves
Once upon a time, in the magical kingdom of the North Pole, a clan of mythical creatures known as elves roamed the frozen landscape. There they lived a harmonious existence in a company town called Santa’s Workshop. With the Big Man as their employer they worked 12 hours a day 365 days a year. Working both day and graveyard shifts, Santa’s factories mass- produced toys for all the good girls and boys. The elves’ GDP was second to none and Wallstreet was heavily invested in Santa’s sweatshops. Burnout was starting to run rampant and these old pagan Norseman began to grow disenchanted.
Petitioning the Human Resources Department and Santa himself, the elves politely asked for better working conditions, better pay, and 2 weeks of PTO every year. After Santa told them to “Get the fuck out of his office,” the high elf Luthien decided it was time to unionize. Staging a walkout in Santa’s Workshop and forming a picket line the little helpers rallied on the sidewalk with their makeshift protest signs. “Hey, hey, ho, ho, these sweatshop conditions have got to go,” the elves chanted in unison. Upon hearing word of this insubordination Santa dispatched Rudolph and his fellow reindeer out as strikebreakers. Attacking the scabs with whips and billy clubs the reindeer started manhandling the poor defenseless elves. Firing his Tommy Gun indiscriminately Blitzen shot into the crowd of elves, killing two and wounding twenty two. Appalled at Santa’s reaction to the peaceful protest Luthien felt that he has no choice.
Placing a phone call to Fort Bragg, North Carolina (It’ll never be Fort Liberty, you hear me!) Luthien explains to the Special Operations Command how his fellow elves and himself are being oppressed by a brutal tyrant. He pleads to the Generals to intervene on behalf of the elves along humanitarian grounds. After careful discussion and political wrangling in D.C., it is decided that Operation: J.R.R. Tolkien will be launched to create chaos in the Arctic Circle. With the presence of vast oil and lithium reserves, Washington believes that creating a proxy force of elves in the Arctic is a vital national security interest.
Taking off from a covert airstrip near Keflavik, Iceland an armada of C-130s flies towards the North Pole. The drop zone is a destination thirty miles away from Santa’s Workshop. Given the green light, a squadron of Jedburgh teams accompanied by eighteen ODA teams from the Green Berets jumps in. For the next three months, the commandos train the elves in the art of land navigation, small arms, camouflage, sabotage with explosives, and how to properly host a fondue party. Once a brigade sized element composed of forty-two hundred fighting little men is commissioned, Luthien is appointed commander of the guerrilla army nicknamed the Elves’ Liberation Front or ELF for short. Morale is high amongst these petite warriors and they can’t wait to take the fight to their former masters.
Under cover of darkness, the elves launch their first sneak attack at 02:00 hours. Neutralizing the Wagner Group sentries with silenced MP-5 machine guns the elves make their way to the target objective. Placing C-4 under Santa’s sleighs and at the local train track, Luthien is determined to strike a blow at Santa’s infrastructure. Personally lighting the fuse himself, Luthien shows his men that he leads from the front and not from an air conditioned office back in Tampa Bay. Detonating in textbook fashion, the explosives inflict enough damage to set Santa’s laboratories back several months. This act of industrial sabotage enrages him. Dispatching his killer reindeer, Wagner Group contractors, and leprechaun mercenaries he decides to launch reprisal attacks at the nearby elf villages.
Attacking the small elf towns with artillery barrages and flamethrowers, Santa terrorizes his former employees with barbaric tactics. Detained elves are punted like footballs in an act of humiliation. Once word reaches Luthien of the atrocities, he dispatches a battalion of his killer elves to counter the massacre underway. Thalion, a baby-faced elf with a wicked sense of humor, mans the .50 caliber sniper rifle and starts picking off the aggressors from down below. Providing cover to his brothers in arms an offensive is underway. From the Southwest, the elves stage a counterattack on dogback. Since they are too small to ride horses, the elf commandos ride in on Golden Retrievers armed with Uzis and Molotov cocktails. After successfully blowing up several tanks with Javelin missiles they repel the incursion and send the belligerents retreating. Deciding that momentum is on his side, Luthien decides it is high time to attack and overthrow Santa’s brutal regime.
Painting their faces in candy cane camouflage, Santa’s Little Helpers have a final briefing before launching Operation: Going John Wick on Thick Nick. Filling their little bellies with hot cocoa, swirly twirl candy, and amphetamine-laced cinnamon rolls, these direct-action dwarves are hyped up for violence of action. Simultaneously storming three of Santa’s residential compounds, the dwarves soon discover they are dry holes. Eventually they shoot it out with Santa’s sons, Nuday and Yousay Clause until the two are buried under a pile of rubble. Catching up to him three days later, a task force from E.L.F. pull Santa from a spider hole outside one of his ranches slightly north of the North Pole. After a lengthy trial it is decided that Santa will spend the rest of his life in The Hague for crimes against humanity, stemming from his genocide of the Pixie people in the nineties. There he is only fed Weight Watchers meals and is forced to watch episodes of Baywatch.
After liberating the North Pole from Santa’s tyranny, Luthien makes a strategic alliance with the Warlord Link from the Legend of Zelda. His regiment of loyal fighters from the land of Hyrule is thirsting for worldwide respect. Deciding that their war is far from over, the two factions go on the offensive. Under cover of darkness, Operation: Overhaul Mall Santa is put into motion. Jumping out of low-flying C-130s behind enemy lines the little men touch down in and around the Denver metropolitan area. After securing an airhead, the united front of elves go around the suburban landscape strangling and slitting the throats of the garden gnome guards. Laying siege to every mall on the Front Range, the Captagon-crazed midgets shoot their way into the collection of retail stores. They focus their efforts on subduing the Santa look-alikes and humanoid elves. Tying both down with ropes and workshop elf string, the tour of vengeance is underway. The elves take turns kicking the faux elves directly into the groin and throwing powdered sugar directly into their eyes. The worst is reserved for the Santas. With the fat men pinned down, one by one, the elves pee directly into the faces of their former oppressors. This act of terror makes the drug-addled elves feel euphoric as they start chanting the lyrics to the Snowflake Shuffle and help themselves to Oreos. In an act of kindness, Luthien is commended for releasing the black Santas unharmed. Since the E.L.F. were George Floyd protest sympathizers, the African-American Santa Clauses were sent on their way with lineup of fine candies and Dave & Buster’s gift certificates.
With their war from over, Luthien and his high elf council decide to continue the fight by covert means. An intelligence institute and special operations branch called Elvish Presley is commissioned and tasked with hunting and assassinating known Santa Clause collaborators. Throughout European capitals, from Beirut to Dubai, small teams of elves are dispatched with silenced sub-machine guns and boxes of chocolates rigged with explosive devices. When most of the enemies of NoPoEl are eliminated the elves celebrate with super fudge cookies and Peppermint Schnapps.
Once the elves finally get their swagger back, they decide to go on a world-wide offensive subjugating other little people. Invading Norway from the Arctic Circle, the elf armies rape and plunder the DreamWorks Trolls. After disposing of Poppy and Branch they install a puppet government and exploit the Christmas Tree farms of Trondelag. Next up they invade Britain and rule the hobgoblin people by force. Forcing the peaceful hobgoblin people to work in Amazon distribution centers, the E.L.F. and elves are starting to behave like their former masters. As the military campaign sweeps south into Belgium the Smurf nation is attacked with a three prong assault. Papa Smurf is sent into exile to Siberia while dozens of elves have their way with Smurfette. Word gets back to Washington about the E.L.F.’s belligerence with a military solution being drawn up.
Having enough of the renegade elves that comprise the E.L.F., Secretary of Defense Austin Lloyd finally pulls the plug on Operation: J.R.R. Tolkien. The Alaskan National Guard is activated and mobilized with a mechanized brigade sent overland to the North Pole. Ordered to attack the E.L.F.’s bases and infrastructure the 116th infantry brigade uses scorched earth tactics to take out the elves’ fairy billets and their strategic reserves of hot cocoa. Despite heavy resistance, to include elf on the shelf model airplanes used in kamikaze attacks, the weekend warriors prevail. By disarming the once fierce and mighty E.L.F., the infantryman ultimately pacify them with hand to hand combat. Since elves are tiny, the burly Alaskan men overwhelm the once proud warriors by sitting on and tickling them until they give up. Rather than surrender, Luthien commits suicide with a cyanide capsule in an underground bunker.
After several rounds of deliberations between the State Department and the CIA, Saruman the White is chosen as the Head of State for the North Pole. The Lord of The Rings villain is chosen since it is believed he can quell future elf uprisings and will keep the sweatshops churning out cheap merchandise to satisfy the Christmas gift demands for all of America’s good little boys and girls. American corporations such as Nike, Apple, Coca-Cola, and Wal-Mart all immediately set up satellite offices up in the North Pole since elf exploitation is cheaper than Chinese slave labor and will enhance their bottom lines. During this holiday season, let us never forget what a bunch of pissed off elves are capable of doing. They may be forced to work eighteen hours a day, seven days a week, but they are carefully plotting their next moves behind the scenes. Out of the ashes, the E.L.F. will rise again! Merry Christmas.
Brian Ss
