There are unlimited possibilities of what you can do for summertime fun. Everything from hiking, mountain biking, to standup paddle boarding, there are an infinite number of activities you could be doing in the great outdoors. From Memorial Day to Labor Day and beyond, tens of millions of Americans head outside to enjoy the beauty of this country by engaging in their favorite pasttimes. Whether it is an individual pursuit or a group meetup, the months of summer provide the appropriate weather and extended daylight to generate precious memories with family and friends.
Having lived in Colorado for the past twenty years, there are a multitude of outdoor hobbies one could engage in. It’s not all skiing and snowboarding. Come about early July, the backcountry opens up and the high country becomes nature’s playground. The common phrase they come for the winters but stay for the summers rings true for every legitimate local. I used to be big into day hiking but have shifted my time and energy into mountain biking and flyfishing. There are so many possibilities of extracurricular activities, it can be a bit overwhelming when choosing those one or two to be passionate about. Everything from golf, to whitewater rafting, to hiking 14ers, Colorado may very well lead the nation in its offering of awesome things to do in the midst of summer.
I tell people to be intense but be safe when heading outdoors to have fun. A lot of weather variables and possible danger lurks when one heads to the water or above tree line. One must plan accordingly by being prepared and scouting out the weather reports in the days ahead. No one wants to head outside and become a casualty by drowning or being struck by lightning. Mother nature can be a cruel bitch when you are outdoors or way off the grid. One must be aware for they don’t become a statistic. The biggest threat that has emerged recently in the Colorado backcountry no longer comes from adverse weather events but rather shotgun wielding hillbillies. From the trailhead to the fairway, outdoor addicts must be constantly vigilant for the heavily armed hillbillies that are stalking you and want to have their way with you.
The movie Deliverance illustrated that inbred hill people were most active in the backwoods. Since then, they have moved inland, more towards civilization. Just the other day at Eagle Springs golf course, just outside the town of Wolcott, four buddies were having the golf outing of their lives. Having to pull a lot of strings to get the round, the four proud Texas boys were in heaven playing at such a top tier golf club. On the 13th hole, emerging from the tree line, a pair of mountain men are determined to ruin the day’s fun. Aiming a shotgun at the party, the hillbilly with missing teeth and bad gums tells a guy named Cameron that he has a purdy mouth. Following a disagreement, the hillbillies force Robby to strip down to his underwear and make him squeal like a pig on the green. With the other members of the party held at gunpoint they are forced to watch their friend get ravaged in broad daylight. After the hillbilly is finished, him and his friend make a retreat down to the canoes paddling off with banjoes playing in the distance. Hopping in their carts to notify the authorities, the city boys are in shock at the events that just transpired. One moment they are golfing on a beautifully manicured course and the next they are witnessing their friend get butt raped by hillbillies.
On a beautiful day on the Colorado River, just below Radium Hot Springs, Braden and Austin decide to take their stand-up paddle boards out on the rio. With the heat wave that has taken ahold of the Western Slope, these boys head out for some much-needed heat relief. Lazily paddling as they sip White Claws and puff their vape pens, Braden and Austin are getting some rest and relaxation from having traveled up from Denver that morning. Floating around the river bend they witness a blind inbred child strumming his banjo with glee. “That was weird,” Braden says to Austin. “Yeah, almost like an ominous warning of sorts,” Austin says responding to his friend. Setting up shop at a sand bar the two friends are then then accosted by two river people. Toting a double barrel shotgun in a menacing manner, one of the hillbillies holds the Denver men against their will. “That’s the purdiest mouth I’ve ever seen,” one of the hillbillies says to Austin admiring his orthodontic work. “Hey boy, get down to your skinnies and start grunting like a pig!” Having been coerced to their demands, Austin starts crawling around like a beast in the sand. “Squeal louder boy!” Unbuttoning his overalls and making Braden watch, the hillbilly robs Austin of his innocence on a beautiful Colorado day. “See ya next week boy!” Stealing the men’s SUPs the hillbillies make a hasty retreat to State Bridge.
Jeeping has always been a classic pastime in the Colorado alpine zone. Offroading one of Colorado’s high mountain passes is both scenic and a testament to man and his machine. Having set out early in the morning 4 dear friends from Texas are hoping to go up and over Engineer Pass. Disembarking from Lake City the 2 Jeep jamboree hopes to be having lunch in Ouray once they go up and over the 13000 foot mountain pass. After passing the ever scenic Uncompahgre and Wetterhorn Peaks, this group of good ol boys continue switchbacking all their way up to the divide. Arriving at the tip top of Engineer Pass, the lifelong friends take a round of photos and dish out high fives. Being distracted by their recent accomplishment, Cledus and his cousin Jeb sneak upon the crew from behind the abandoned woodshed. “That gotta be the purdiest mouth I’d ever seen West of the Missippi,” Cledus says admiring the Dallas dentist’s grill. Zeroing in on the chubbiest member of the group, the two hillbillies dehumanize the Texan tourist by stripping him down to his underwear and make him play pig. “You looking good on all fours boy! Squeal for me now,” Jeb says as he keeps the shotgun barrel close to the man’s head.” “RRRRRrrrrreeeeeee, RRRRrrreeeeee,” the humiliated man repeats trying to emulate swine noises. “Hey Cledus I’m gonna pork this porker. We gonna make be makin’ bacon boy! Keep squealing!” Satisfied with their rapist escapade the two mountain men hop on a dirt bike heading towards Silverton. For the Jeep enthusiasts and the man reduced to being a little piglet, it’s sure to be a bumpy ride down all the way to Ouray.
On a beautiful Saturday morning, hundreds of people flock to the REI store in Denver, Colorado. Millenial yuppies in this state like to look the part of outdoorsman by purchasing fashionable outdoor brands such as Patagonia and stocking up on camping accessories they may use once. Perusing the tents and sleeping bags, good friends Tyler and Skyler are in the market for come equipment they hope to use in the coming weeks. “Hey Ty, whatcha think of this one,” Skyler says motioning towards a green mummy bag. “That looks bad ass Sky,” Ty says supporting his buddy’s decision. From behind the Thule rack section, a couple of gruff hillbillies sneak upon the eager consumers. “Did you just whiten your teeth boy, cuz that’s the purdiest of purdee mouths I’ve ever seen,” one of the hillbillies says to Skyler. “You boys finding everything okay,” the armed one says. “You may as well be shopping for new clothes after we’s done witcha.” Forcing Tyler to strip down and start squealing, the mountain men start to take advantage of the wannabe mountain men. “Your ride the Greek saddle boy!?! You beggin for a peggin’? You get to squealin’ now boy.” “RRRRrrrreeeee, RRRRrrrreeee,” Tyler says sounding off. “Hey Huck, grab me some barbecue sauce for this lil’ piggy, we gonna split roast this boy and put him on display.” Motioning from behind the cooler section a man with a compound bow steadies himself, taking aim at the ruckus. Drawing a deep breath and pulling the bow back, he launches an arrow at one of the perpetrators. Hitting him in the lung the hillbilly drops dead as the other one runs off. Looking up from the floor, Tyler recognizes the man. “John Elway?!?” “That’s right boy,” says Captain Comeback. “Better ice that butthole and take it easy for a couple days. And never let hillbillies sneak up on you at an REI.”
Summertime in Colorado is always magical. Enjoying great views with a couple of brews, it’s almost an advertisement for a Coors Light commercial. The Centennial State may be famous for its ski slopes in the winter, but the real meat and potatoes for outdoor adventure lies in the summer season. From the designated wilderness areas to the golf courses, everyone makes it a point to get outside during an iconic summer day in Colorado. If you do venture outdoors make sure to pack water, sunscreen, and always watch over your shoulder for armed mountain men. Getting ass raped by hillbillies will always ruin your outdoor adventure and put a damper on the day. Be intense but be safe.
Brian Ss