Facilitating better outcomes during toilet time

It's the number 1 way to entertain yourself while going number 2

Toilet time. Something every American holds sacred whether at your home or at the office. It’s truly the one place where you can’t be bothered with mundane shit, where one can find peace and tranquility. A Zen zone for some, once the fan is on and you’re out of earshot from your significant other and office managers, you can finally give that Taco Bell burrito supreme you ate yesterday a sendy to a watery grave. If you’re lucky, you’ll have 2-3 of these “timeout” sessions per day averaging 10-15 minutes. You are truly blessed if you get upwards of 45 minutes a day in the bathroom to yourself. It’s good for the soul. Most stressed out Americans will only get 10-20 minutes of bathroom time and it’s not always a pleasant experience with the straining and not getting enough fiber in your diet.

Most people have their personal rituals when shitting in private or public. Some people light a candle, others pray, but most people consume some sort of content on their mobile devices. Whether reading or consuming visual content, what you see and hear can affect your overall bathroom performance. Looking at CNN.com will only constipate you and make your time in the stall unproductive. Reading the comment section on Reddit will upset your stomach leading to explosive diarrhea. One needs to find a happy medium if he wants to have a smooth and satisfying bowel movement. You can’t be stressed and experiencing angst when pushing one out, no you need to find envision yourself riding a white stallion on a Greek beach with Yanni playing in the background. This is the true path to gut health. But with the American gut biome destroyed by things like antibiotics, too much fried food, and Flaming Hot Cheetos it’s not always easy to have a harmonious shit. Lately I’ve discovered an amazing natural laxative that will put your mind at ease and get the “train out of the station.” It’s called Chinese propaganda. Whether old school from Mao’s era to modern day tributes to the dear party leader Xi, the classical songs, subliminal messages, and modern-day cartoons on YouTube helps relax my rectum and lets me unload on the commode. Going poo never felt this good and every time I hear a young Chinese woman singing a ballad to the revolution my bowels are completely empty and it’s if the act kissed my soul.

For years, I tried everything from completely changing my diet, utilizing Metamucil powder and taking a daily probiotic. Nothing seemed to work! Only until recently a friend confided in me that the key to taking the best shit of your life is turning on and tuning into the finest Chinese Communist Party propaganda displayed on just about every platform available. Curious at first, but in short order the song “Red Sun in the Sky”, a tribute to Mao Ze Dong, boosted my batting average to a 1000% a day. The dear leader didn’t have the luxury of growing up with modern day plumbing. No, he had to shit in a hole in the Chinese countryside. Only after he inspired the people and created a New China did Chairman Mao get to take a glorious shit at his palace in Beijing. I find that after a long weekend of eating Sonic Burger, consuming jalapeno burgers and drinking milkshakes, my insides weren’t running on all cylinders. Come Monday morning, if I don’t “waterboard the Huxtables” then I’m not myself, and it’s a bad way to start off the work week. Thankfully I had Lei Feng’s March of Steel playing gently in the background which showed me paradise on earth, both in in the Chinese factories and in my master bathroom.

Nowadays the Chinese Ministry of Information, nicknamed the People’s Official Organization of Persuasion, or POOP, has infiltrated the information space on platforms such as YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok to put out carefully crafted shorts to communicate the party’s messaging. These sound bites are meant to inspire worker’s revolutions around the world and facilitate your large intestine to move with a sense of purpose. With computer pixelized characters singing in beautiful Mandarin these animated music videos will have you saluting the Chinese flag. The message is so powerful, they’ll have you believing that having a centrally planned agricultural and industrial sector is the only way for the proletariat to achieve satisfaction. With people dancing and red balloons being launched into the sky, imagery of Chinese military parades, Potemkin villages, and future space domination has the potential to loosen up poop chutes. The makeshift pep talks by party leaders fires up the masses for a possible Taiwanese invasion and will have you dominating in battle shits at your boss’s private suite facilities.

With sophisticated animation hitting the airwaves, Chinese nationalism is taking centerstage. Now they have a carefully crafted cartoon named Year Hare Affair catered to people as young as 5. With little cute animals representing power struggles between great nations, this Sinocentric series will have you glued to your screen and shitting ecstasy in no time. The great nation of China is represented by a cute little bunny dressed in Maoist attire. The evil eagle symbolizing the United States as the belligerent and takes on a gangster persona when selling weapons to the world. India is represented by an elephant and Russia is a teddy bear. Episodes include total war scenarios where hare fights eagle and hare launches a demographic destabilization into bear’s den for Chinese anime characters can take over Mother Russia’s vast resources in Siberia. Once you are hypnotized by this CCP psyop you become convinced China is on the right side of history and will have you giggling so much it shows that bird is the word and will help you stir up a turd. This hybrid form of entertainment also serves as a relaxing laxative will have you shitting silk.

Be aware of the poorly made DPRK propaganda coming out of North Korea. It doesn’t live up to the hype of Chinese props and won’t help you shit excellence. The songs and music videos are okay but instead of the witty cartoons, it’s all AI deep fake videos of Kim Jong Um’s head superimposed onto Donald Trump’s body. This AI slop is nothing more than Kim Jong Um placed into erotic scenes with American girls demonstrating the superiority of North Korean society over the American system. Instead of acting as a relaxant, it’s a bowel irritant, and won’t help you unload that load of shit bricks from your tum-tum. The production value coming out of Beijing studios is far superior and guarantees consistent regularity when it comes to daily deliveries.

In Operation: Chasing the Red Dragon, an original propaganda film directed by Harry Wu, Chinese shock troops jump in behind enemy lines and set up shop in California. Eerily similar to Band of Brothers, narrated and translated by John Cena, the film contains as much action as any Michael Bay feature film. The action sequences and battle scenes are most memorable and will help you defecate as you consume the content in a handicap stall at work. This amazing cinema will have you turn on your country and be susceptible to Chinese blackmail operations concerning industrial and economic espionage. An influence campaign such as this is so powerful on a Yankee mind and will assist the round eyes in achieving glory during toilet time. China is not the enemy and if we want cordial relations for the rest of the 21st century we must give them Taiwan, Hawaii, and surrender San Francisco for their North American beach head.

Then you have brave and noble leader Xi Jinping who displays glorious revolution by singing his national anthem in a music video montage. With an entire division at parade rest in Tiananmen Square, the soothing voice and lyrics of Chairman Xi will soothe your intestines into making soothing poopy. Watching Xi swan dive off a waterfall with cheerleaders cheering him on, he is making the East red again and is the people’s great savior. He is the guide and is making the Chinese dream a reality against the imperial Yankees. It is said that great readers make great leaders, not only is Xi a voracious reader but he is greater reader to the people. Hurrah, as he marches along the Great Wall and tells the Japanese Prime Minster to go fuck himself on a live karaoke battle. This grandstanding is what my soul demands and relaxes me as I blow ass on my state-of-the-art Japanese toilet technology. Chinese propaganda set to the lyrics and song of Chen Lei and Sylvia Wen, will have you brainwashed as you entertain yourself in the bathroom having a once in a lifetime sheen. Recognizing the sound frequency of Chinese sing along songs as inspiring, I’ve now decided to take up Tai Chi and learn Mandarin, hoping to one day obtain a Chinese passport and never be constipated again.

Next time you are feeling a “little backed up,” pass on the prune juice and the dried apricots. Do yourself a favor, grab a page from Mao’s Little Red Book or bombard your fragile mind with Chinese propaganda videos off YouTube. Not only will you be entertained/indoctrinated, but your innards will also be moving and grooving so much so you’ll feel 10 lbs. lighter. Your newfound “light as a feather attitude” will lead to better gut health and you will gain a better perspective on spreading the revolution to the third world through Maoist insurgencies. Look, the western diet has too many preservatives and is pure decadence through obtaining mouth pleasure. Look to the Chinese diet of pork, bok choy, and rice as mainstays of a superior nation. The party has declared there’s no such thing as constipation in Mother China; the people achieve nature’s call through staying educated and feeling harmonious through the wisdom of Mao set to beautiful harmonious music. Regularity rituals are for stupid white man, heed the call of the fire breathing dragon, and digest premiere Chinese propaganda to fill the time in the shitter and become all shitter no quitter.

孔夫子说，听从毛和习智慧的人将会获得大量排便的‘祝福’ (Confucius say, those who listen to wisdom of Mao and Xi will be blessed with massive turd output.)

Brian Ss