Forest Fire Prevention Enforcement
Grin and bear it
With the West on fire again, local, state, and federal agencies are taking extreme measures to prevent new forest fires from starting and spreading. With a record low snowpack, lands west of the 100th meridian are experiencing a catastrophic mega drought. Lake Powell is at its lowest watermark in decades with exceptional water rationing measures being taken. With the lack of water, the soil and vegetation suffer, and every national forest is now a tinder box. As fires rage from the West Coast to the Rocky Mountains, air quality is compromised and outdoor summer activities are ruined.
According to various studies, 80-90% of fires are started by human activity. Natural causes, such as lighting only account for a small percentage of forest fires. Unattended campfires, discarded cigarettes, fireworks, downed powerlines, vehicles emitting sparks, and arsonist influencers on Instagram are the major causations of forest fires. Ignorant and criminal behavior by bad actors is usually what causes fires to take off and raise your homeowner’s insurance towards preposterous premiums. Unfortunately, human nature and bad behaviors continue to persist from the campground to the roadway. Most law enforcement agencies can only deter risky fire behavior. Citations can be issued, rangers can step up patrols, but in the end all it takes is one stupidass to burn hundreds of thousands of acres to the ground. Fortunately, heaven has sent us an enforcer to prevent more forest fires from starting and spreading. A man with the physique of a god who can dole out justice at a moment’s notice. Women want him and men want to be him. Born in 1944 and succeeding in his trial by fire in the 60s, Smoky Bear is here to prevent any would-be forest fires and will kick some fucking ass in the process.
Summit County, Colorado. Shirking the no campfire signs posted all over the campground, 5 fuckfaces from Denver decide they’re going to have an outdoor fire, and nobody is going to tell them otherwise. Thinking that they are above the law, the stage 2 restrictions don’t apply to them and that they can do whatever they want. Drinking beer and smoking marijuana around the campfire the Denver 5 continues to flout society’s conventions. Wandering in from the tree line taking decisive action, Smoky unzips his jeans, proceeding to take a gigantic piss over the embers until the fire is completely snuffed out. “Hey what do you think you’re doing,” the one they call Mason says protesting to Smoky. “Only you can prevent forest fires,” Smoky says cocking his head in a retort. “Fuck you bear,” Mason says taunting Smoky. With his jeans still unzipped Smoky lunges towards the REI hipster, bending him over on the hood of his own Subaru Outback and raping him in front of his friends. Ravaging the disrespectful little brat Smoky puts an end to the possible fire danger and sends a message to all of the shocked campers. “Tell your friends what happens when you have unauthorized campfires. Remember………. Only you can prevent forest fires and getting anally raped by a bear. Take care now.”
Smoky may be an octogenarian but he can still kick ass. He’s all natural and is way scarier than that senior citizen Sylvester Stallone. For decades he’s dealt street justice to those that start unnecessary wildfires. When the Forest Service isn’t present and game wardens are away on another call, that’s when you call in Smoky and the big guns. His methods may be unconventional but by golly he gets the job done. When citations don’t serve as a deterrent to stupid human behavior, Smoky will manhandle any dipshit camper or arsonist. When the word gets out, everyone looking to light off fireworks has to look over their shoulder to make sure they don’t summon Smoky and get a paw up their ass. He is humble and fair. After a long day of dealing with fire starters, Smoky heads home to his lover(s) Yogi and Boo-Boo. Being a proud Bear gay, Smoky’s throuple is conveniently nicknamed Two and a Half Bears.
San Bernadino, California. At a gender reveal party up against U.S. Forest Service land a married couple of knuckleheads decides it would be a good idea to shoot off pink industrial sparklers in celebrating the announcement that they will be having a little girl in September. Starting a small wild grass fire, the activity has the potential to jump into the forestland. Once again Southern California is a tinder box and no one wants a repeat of the L.A. Fires of 2025. Despite this, people think the rules don’t apply to them and without law enforcement society turns into Lord of the Flies. LAPD is currently preoccupied with multiple homicides and can’t answer the call. Jumping in with the smoke jumpers out of a C-130, Smoky and his crew leap into action. Peeing on the fire and snuffing it out Smoky lets the hot shots put out the remaining hot spots. Assessing the situation and finding out who started the fire, Smoky pounces on the expecting father to be, raping him in front of all the party goers. The sexual assault is so violent it makes Leonardo Di Caprio’s bear mauling scene in The Revenant look like a Sunday picnic. Finishing himself off, Smoky scans the audience reminding them, “Only you can prevent forest fires. Remember……….FAWFAGRBAB.” (Fuck Around with Fire and Get Raped by A Bear).
Spokane, Washington. After finding out some miscreant purposefully burned down a forested neighborhood to pave the way for an AI data center, Smoky is furious. Besides burning down hundreds of structures and destroying the livelihoods of thousands, the forest fire emits toxic smoke and ruins the Air Quality Index for millions of people downwind. This aggression will not stand especially when it was the work of an arsonist. Paying a visit to the accused suspect’s jail cell the guards look the other way as Smoky punishes this evil doer by violently raping him for hours. Dressed as the Gimp, Boo-Boo is watching in glee as he is dressed up as a BDSM Leatherman. Streaming the event live, Smoky hopes to send a message to all aspiring arsonists out there that you can run but your tight virgin butthole can’t hide. The wrath of the bear is real, and your bare ass is no match for Smokey.
Missoula, Montana. With two dipshit Californians driving their H2 Hummer westbound on I-90, they’re smoking and joking without a care in the world. Since smokers make for the worst offenders in the littering department, a cigarette butt gets casually tossed from the passenger side window starting a grassfire on the side of the highway. With the action being recorded by U.S. Forest Service spy satellites Smoky is dispatched to dish out some pain. Snuffing out the fire with his magnificent urine stream, Smoky then jumps on a chopper in hot pursuit of the two suspects. Catching up to them near the Montana-Idaho border, Smoky rips the passenger from the SUV and proceeds to penetrate him in every orifice off the side of the highway. “Mommy, what’s that bear doing to that man,” a curious young child asks.” “Oh, he’s punishing that man. It’s like getting spanked but only worse. That’s why you never play with fire Daniel. If you do, Smoky Bear will have his way with you, six ways from Sunday.” After finishing the session of cruel and unusual punishment, Smoky rewards himself with a honey mead and huckleberry pie. His work is done for the day, but he’s always on call.
The next time you see posted signs warning of extreme fire danger, whether they’re along a highway or campsite, heed the ominous warning. The fire danger thermometer with Smokey Bear posing alongside the current restrictions is there for a reason. Forest fires suck and errant human behavior is almost always the likely culprit. A bad fire season can ruin everyone’s summer, not to mention people’s private property. Most people are responsible and abide by the restrictions. But for the few that don’t, just remember, Smokey will find you and when he does, he’ll violate you in every way imaginable. The only way people learn from irresponsible fire activity is when Smokey arrives on the scene and lights a fire up and under your ass. Enjoy the great outdoors this summer and be safe when it comes to outdoor fires. There are consequences to your actions. Remember…………Only you can prevent forest fires.
Brian Ss