Futuristic Cigarettes for Modern Day Cowboys
Because Real Tobacco is Whacko!
Vape sticks are all the rage these days in the tobacco and marijuana industries. They’re futuristic, clean-burning and above all hip. They don’t emit annoying second-hand smoke that offends others within a five-foot radius of obviously the coolest person in the room. But despite this awesome 21st century development, I feel that the Marlboro Man has been left behind and slow to adapt to the craze. You never know though, maybe he’s already gotten on board.
He wakes up early before anyone else on the homestead. In his one-piece pajama suit he fires up the griddle. He gets the flapjacks going with the eggs and bacon sizzling. Still a little sleepy he makes straight black coffee. After a slow slip off his cup he reaches for his vape stick and takes a long drag off Bermuda Rain.
He’s made his way to the barn now where he’s milking the cows and collecting the eggs from the chickens. It’s back breaking work to get milk and protein for his family. His initial buzz from breakfast has worn off and next up he has to hose the shit out of the stables. Before he does this, he needs to take five. So, he reaches for his vape stick in his back pocket and finds relief by hitting a vape mist called Lemon Berry Tart.
Now it’s on to saddle the ponies. He has to mount up for he can ride on the open range and rustle up the steers. The stang he’s trying to get on for he can cowboy up down yonder bucks him off. The Marlboro man suffers a full body heave and hits the ground hard. He’s sore to the bone, face down in a mulch of hay and manure. He doesn’t know what hit him. After gathering his senses, the vape stick makes his way into his mouth where the nicotine flavor of Blueberry Pomegranate Goodness will see him through in breaking in the wild stang.
The sun is up illuminating the entirety of the open range. The steers dot the landscape like a scene from Lonesome Dove. Our hero summons his ranch hand Cody after spotting a young bull out in the distance. They both agree that they will have to do an improvised branding on this wild boy since there may not be a second chance to do so. With a fast approach they rope the steer in question and wrassle it to the ground. The Marlboro man gets up breathing heavy since he’s getting too old for this lifestyle. They heat the branding iron and imprint the animal with the ranch logo. The smell of burning flesh permeates the nostrils as the steer uses his back leg to kick the rancher square in the nuts. Grimacing after the swift kick it takes him a few minutes to come to. Declining to ride back to the barn for medical aid he decides to seek comfort in his pen. Changing the cartridge, he opts for the Tropical Passion Infusion mixture with hints of both Guava, Mango, and Pineapple. This flavoring is mostly reserved for pussy ass bitch boys, but it’s our cattleman’s fave.
After a hard day of tending the land, he thanks the Good Lord for being above ground for another day to do his service. The Marlboro Man is all tore up after an afternoon spent digging and planting fence posts. The bales of barbed wire fencing poked through his gloves cutting up hands which may affect his livelihood for a week. His little lady patches him up and he finally gets to enjoy a moment of solitude in his rocking chair. He eases back and forth slowly with the wooden rockers creaking ever so gently. Picking up his growler he takes a long pull off the handle with the harsh whiskey burning a fire all the way down from his throat to his stomach. He is satisfied with his day of hard work. But no day is complete without nicotine infused propylene glycol concoction of Creamy Cucumber Melon Mint conveniently nicknamed Green Calypso Dragon. Smoking this concoction is so badass, anything else would be comprable to John Dutton smoking Virginia Slims while he’s watching his daughter Beth getting her ass beat by Rosie O’Donnell.
Brian Ss
