Gender Equality in Florida
Battle of the sexes in the Sunshine State
Florida. Nothing but sunshine, alligators, and strange vibes. It’s warm climate and coastal population centers attract people from up and down the eastern seaboard and from foreign countries. This peninsular state between the Atlantic Ocean and the Gulf of America was named Florida by Ponce de Leon. Instead of finding the fountain of youth he found the land of flowers. Home of Disney World, various spring break destinations, and the world capital of boy bands, Florida hosts a whole lot of bizarre get togethers. Thanks to the swamps, old people, and it’s love of guns Florida is a weirdo’s paradise.
Florida is always a generation behind when it comes to certain movements within the cultural zeitgeist. They are slow adapters to the newfound norms conceived in the cosmopolitan parts of the country. Maybe they are old fashioned and situated on the outer edges of the Bible Belt, but Floridians in general take a little longer to come around to the latest and greatest cosmopolitan ideals from Manhattan and the West Coast. Only recently have they come around to the notion of gender equality. Tallahassee finally implemented legal protections on gender discrimination only about 25 years ago. Though they may stay in their own lane most of the time, Florida is finally getting with the program when it comes to the normalization of gender equality.
For the last couple of decades Florida Man has been getting all the headlines and all of the glory. Apparently, the men of Florida have a reputation for committing the most outlandish crimes, whether they be petty theft or felonies. The local newspapers and journalists have been chauvinist and misogynistic when focusing the majority of their energies strictly on Florida Man. Florida Man be pulling stunts such as getting arrested for DUI, while maneuvering a riding lawnmower high on PCP. Calling 911 on his cat for eating his tuna fish. And breaking into jail to wish his friend a happy birthday. The Florida Mans seem to be the center of attention. What about Florida Woman? Can’t the sisterhood of the Sunshine State catch a break in making a splash on the Orlando Sentinel? With all the sexism going on in Floridian crime reporting, let’s give Florida Woman some of the attention she deserves, you sexist piece of shit.
“Florida woman arrested for attacking boyfriend with burrito.” Aisha Massoud, 34, of St. Petersburg was arrested after throwing Taco Bell food item at husband during altercation at a birthday meal. Occurring just after midnight, the fast-food assault resulted in arrest and booking in the county jail. Mrs. Persad may be a low rent degenerate in the Florida community, but she’s breaking down barriers for women everywhere.
“Florida woman steals 1M worth of jewelry, hides it in diaper.” Ruby Kravitz, 74, of Del Boca Vista was arrested for stealing nearly a million dollars worth of rubies from Shane and Co. The senior citizen was detained, booked, and posted bond within a 24-hour period. Mrs. Kravitz marched during the first wave feminism movement fifty years ago and she still carries the torch until this day.
“Florida woman calls 911 because her sandwich was made wrong.” Shaniqua O’Neal, 41, of Gainesville was arrested by local law enforcement for filing a false police report. The Florida woman called 911 dispatch after the sandwich artist at the local Subway put tomatoes and mayonnaise on her sandwich when she requested those items be omitted. Mrs. O’Neal may be a dumbass but at least she’s contributing to the good name of Florida Woman.
These gals should be heralded as trailblazers in Gator country. No longer should women in Florida have to march for equal wages and fair coverage in the news media. Florida women are just as stupid, and just as ignorant as their male counterparts. Whether a failure of the education system or having dumb parents, Florida Woman is holding their own to Florida Man. Forget about gender equality in the space program at Cape Canaveral, it’s all about those 15 minutes of fame for committing a crime so absurd it makes national headlines. Instead of typing Florida Man along with your birthdate into a search engine, now you can type in Florida Woman with your birthdate to yield internet gold in search results. Women have now leveled the playing field with this viral internet meme. Florida residents with a double X chromosome have now proven themselves to be just as uncivilized and subhuman as the menfolk.
“Florida woman goes joyriding in convertible then proceeds to go get her clit pierced.” Mandy Hosin, 27, of North Miami allegedly acquired her neighbors top down Pontiac without permission, abandoned it, then decided to get a piercing in her cooch. The mother of 4 confessed to local police that she needed a little adventure in her life and decided to combine crime with accessorizing her body. Not even Florida man could replicate this action.
“Florida woman gets high on bath salts, then goes on rampage at alligator farm.” Theresa Mullet-Cooper, 36, of Kissimmee, Florida was reported of ingesting the illicit substance and deciding to fight full grown alligators at a public zoo. The career criminal stated to police that all alligators were demons, and that she was a demon hunter. Keep on trucking ladies!
“Florida woman arrested for sexual assault after raping man in Key West.” Brenda McNally, 47, of Palm Beach was arrested after a bachelorette party went too far in the vacation destination. After forcing a male stripper into intercourse without consent, the city council woman was arrested and charged with first degree sexual battery. Miss McNally is on the record for saying cocaine and martinis always fuel bad outcomes.
Despite being a low IQ state in general, Florida women have proven their worth to Florida men. Even though women are going to college more than their male peers, on Friday nights in the Sunshine State women are now far outperforming their male peers in random acts of stupidity. Idiocracy may have come out in theaters 20 years ago, but now Florida cities are living, breathing examples of it. It’s not all natives either, stupidasses from around the country are flocking to Florida for its climate, tax haven status, and to have an alibi to engage in behavior that is stranger than reality. Despite abortion being illegal in the state of Florida after six weeks, these determined women sporting their stank tanks are shattering glass ceilings left and right.
“Florida woman arrested after her pet anaconda kills neighbor’s goat.” Patrice Sutherland, 56, was arrested for animal cruelty after her pet anaconda escaped from her backyard and killed her neighbor’s pet goat. This being the second documented case of her snake escaping, Mrs. Sutherland pleaded no contest at her court hearing.
“Florida woman arrested after getting in a fight with a rotisserie chicken at Publix.” Maybelle Johnson, 69, of Boca Raton was detained and sent in for a psyche evaluation after getting involved in a public debacle with roasted chicken at the local supermarket. The grandmother of 3 is reported to have a history of mental illness.
“Florida woman shoots boyfriend to get out of jury duty.” Manu Pierce, 37, of Broward County was arrested last Wednesday for shooting her longtime boyfriend in the leg, apparently in an attempt to get out of jury duty. Not wanting to participate in her civic duty, Miss Pierce’s best alibi was to commit a crime for she would have to be in a hearing for another one.
Equality in the workplace, school admissions, and political representation, Florida Woman is now holding her own against Florida Man. You don’t believe me? Just look at the biography of recently fired Attorney General Pam Bondi. Before she went to law school and served as Florida’s AG, Miss Bondi had a wild streak of her own and earned herself a place in the Florida Woman’s Hall of Fame. “Florida Woman arrested after public urination at fast food drive-thru, while high on PCP.” In her younger days Pamela was a bit of a wild child, drinking, drugging, and getting into trouble at drive-thru lanes in Florida. Immediately posting bail after her most recent brush with the law, Miss Bondi went to a tattoo parlor, getting a cartoon portrait of Looney Tunes character Taz upon her left breast. Her actions may have outraged her local community, but she was more than qualified to serve in the Trump Administration.
Florida woman. Representing goodwill for all of her fellow wives, mothers, and daughters across the state and the country. Florida Woman has gotten so berserk for the first time they have surpassed Florida Man in most outlandish news titles. This is a milestone to be heralded and celebrated for a victory in gender equality everywhere. Women have been fighting their whole lives to be treated the same as their male counterparts, but in now in Florida they lead the pack.
“Florida woman arrested for cutting husbands testicles off and feeding them to her turtle.”
Brian Ss