It seems that California cannot get their shit together. Forget the overcrowding, water shortages, and the decadent glitterati of Hollywood and Silicon Valley. I’m talking about the absence of law and order while letting people get away with anything. Newsome has turned the state of California into a third world S-hole. Garcetti and Breed have respectively turned Los Angeles and San Francisco into Baghdad and Kabul. Once great communities and neighborhoods have become infested with crime and homelessness. People are now allowed to steal, kill, and engage in urban camping without a care in the world. What’s the answer!?! We can’t count on political party turnover. That’ll never happen. It’s too late for justice reform and refunding of the police. There’s only one option to consider when it comes to getting the Golden State back on the right track. That is why I’m suggesting we bring in ISIS and the Taliban to bring in their brutal form of Islamic Law to get California’s two biggest cities under control.
Fifty thousand ISIS fighters shall deploy to the greater Los Angeles area and fifty thousand Talibs will operate in a forward area in and around San Francisco. Bearded men, packing ak-47 rifles and riding in the back of pick-up trucks, storm the cities raising their black and white flags with little or no resistance. La-La Land will become a caliphate named Allah-La Land as the Bay Area transforms itself into the Islamic Republic of San-Fran. Collaborators of the old regimes are swiftly dragged out into the streets where they are shot in the back of the head or beheaded with machetes. Within 12 hours, Sharia law is declared, and all apostates are put on notice.
Out on patrol, a contingent of ISIS fanatics stumble upon the homeless tent cities of Venice Beach. Segregating the men from the women they force everyone to pray towards the Inland Empire. They make an example of a heroin junkie by blindfolding him and throwing him off a seven-story building. Open drug use is no longer tolerated. The men are forced to become violent extremists while the women are married off to the ISIS fighters. The tents and clutter are bulldozed while the good people of Venice are free to roam on the sidewalks again, rollerblading and eating ice cream. Problem solved in about four hours.
In San Francisco, Taliban enforcers cruise the open air on motorcycles. When they notice some degenerate defecating on the sidewalk, they take swift action. Detaining the man and forcing all bystanders to watch, they whip him viciously with multiple lashes. Since all bystanders had their smart phones with them, the incident is filmed and immediately goes viral. He is flogged to the point that his back bleeds and he pleads for his life. Immediately, street-shitting becomes a relic of the past. Street musicians and tourists can now walk S.F.’s sidewalks fecal free. Problem solved in less than 2 hours.
Back in Abu-al-Angeleno, the local street punks start to disrespect ISIS’s modesty police. Taunting them, spray painting their Humvees, and chanting “Fuck Tha ISIS Police,” the local Council Commander decides to arrest an entire gang. All of them are lined up against a wall and massacred by the bloodthirsty mujahids. The rest of the kafirs are forced to watch and then sentenced to trash collection and picking up litter for 90 days. Los Angeles has never been cleaner, and the streets are now immaculate.
In Frisco, local shopkeepers are pleading with the Golden Gate Shura to do something about the theft epidemic. The elders sympathize with the small business owners and dispatch a local warlord with his 150 loyal fighters. Over the course of an entire day, shoplifters are arrested and sent to the local Islamic court at Haight-Ashbury, where a sentence of hand amputation is imposed. Several dozen hands are chopped off and thrown off the Golden Gate Bridge. Scaring all the local subjects, another incident of theft doesn’t occur for five years after. Both shoppers and shop owners now engage in commerce in absolute tranquility.
In search of revenue from its local subjects, Daesh launches a jizya on all non-Muslims. They specifically target industries of vice. Levying a 91% tax on the entertainment industry, for exporting cultural porn and corrupting American values, ISIL raises billions of dollars to rebuild all of Allah-La Land’s infrastructure. Social services and investment towards the local citizenry takes place as well. The members of the Cal caliphate finally feel like they’re being listened to and that the current bloodthirsty regime actually cares about them. For the first time in twenty-five years, there’s hope on the horizon. From San Clemente to Ventura people take to the streets and chant, “Aloha Snackbar!”
On the hillsides overlooking San Francisco, Taliban fighters stream out into the streets. They intend to enforce the will of Allah. All rude people have their tongues cut out to enforce civility. Since everyone is forced to be friendly and smile the overall attitude transforms San Francisco back to its heyday in the sixties. The mullahs impose a 91% wealth tax on all of the local billionaires. All forms of tax evasion are met with the immediate sentence of stoning to death. Since all of the needs of the people are finally being fulfilled, the commoners grab each other by the hand and break out into Kumbaya.
For the first time ever, God’s Kingdom is allowed to flourish in California. Los Angeles and San Francisco serve as beacons of hope to the rest of the world. Sure, women are expected to cover their face with a black veil under the threat of violence. Sure, 10-year-olds are taken away from their families, indoctrinated at madrassas, and conscripted to partake in beheadings. But it’s a lot better than the way California used to be governed.
P.S. Seattle, Portland, and Chicago. You fucks are next!
Brian Ss
Another hilarious read from Brijest Digest! Keep it up Brian Ss!