The war on -man- is alive and well in modern society. It’s being waged in both overt and covert manners. Manifesting itself through many mediums, this toxic ideal has become sheer mania. Micromanaging this chaos through manipulation of language, the powers that be are attempting to dismantle traditional gender norms. We must not let them. Either we go full on commando, or the manslaughter will continue. It’s now or never man.
Throughout our history, there’s been multiple instances of a kind man benefiting mankind. Traditionally, it’s been a man with a plan contributing to the field of semantics. The Romantics of the Classical Era were always supplying a woman with pipe-dream fantasies. The Shamans of Mangolia put you in a man trance to nudge you towards Nirvmana. So you see, manswers have been around for centuries if not millennia.
It is in his nature for a man to make contributions. He can be as solid as a mantel when he must tell a man that the Mickey Mantle jersey he is wearing will never work. He can be as gentle and loving as a manatee when he provides another man a tee at the homeless shelter. At church you find him praying harder than a mantis. If you forget your daily fruit in your paper bag lunch, he will always give you his mango, manzana, any form of manna, manana. Without even being asked, he’s always cleaning the manure out of the man stable. Political bargaining is no challenge to him for he has the ideological prowess of Nelson Mandela. And after manicuring the bushes, he’ll embrace gormandize in cooking you manicotti.
Man is always expanding his horizons by traveling to far flung man lands. From the Isle of Man to the Cayman Islands, to Oman (oh man), Amman (amen), man loves geography to help expand his internal almanac. Man likes to walk all over but where is a man to walk in Manitowoc? Afghanistan, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, and Manistan, helps man better understand man’s masterplan. Attending a Manchester United game, viewing Roman ruins, or hitchhiking in Manitoba better helps man maneuver the great unknown. The more places he goes his knowledge goes up manyfold. Staring at the skyscrapers in Manhattan, avoiding the ladyboys in Manilla, consuming a sausage from a street vendor in Mannheim, or pondering what a man is to do as he wanders around Katmandu, man manufacturing his own worldview is mandatory.
An individual man is a delicate and unique creature. He must be treated gently with a calmanco. He’s not a slab of man candy to slobber all over. Never mangle his feelings, be an informant to his soul. Man is not always manwhorish or does exotic dancing gigs under the codename Mantana. His demands are basic. Nipple play via manual stimulation helps dismantle his manic manometer and makes him feel mantastic. Only after a manscaping will be feel confident enough to engage in a manspread. He will only be your manservant if you make him feel like a mangel.
Like a salamander, man can also be a silly creature when the demand is placed. He’s a claimant to humor much like a mantelope grazing upon the man plain, simply mansplained. He can mantasize about living in a manor much like Marilyn Manson’s mansion. But sometimes you must reprimand that nonsense on command and permanently dismantle it.
Ever since he came straight out of the manger, nefarious forces have tried to dismantle the performance and conformance of the code of manliness. The egomaniacal elites are trying to upend the man commandments. If society feels it mandatory to make a dude a man-child, that this is a mandate that will not stand. This dangerous game of brinkmanship and upmanship will only cause everyone with a Y chromosome to hop in their man ship and ready for battle. Adamant manticipation is the only response we can give when we feel outmanned. We are adamant with our demands. If we’re forced to go full on Comanche, then so be it!
If masculinity is to survive and thrive man needs to emancipate himself from bad habits. He must reprimand his vices and demand his devices. Manginas need to be untucked and allowed to flop around in their natural state. Being mandsome all the time is not a requirement, being mangy will suffice. No longer do you need to engage in upkeep of your man bun. Shave that shit off my fellow manotaur! If you have man boobs, don’t get a managram Manola. With proper diet and exercise you can eviscerate those things like a sun dance at a Mandan powwow. Don’t go overboard with so-called man brands. Use your man hands to craft your manmade look. Never watch the Mandalorian for it will turn you into a Manchurian candidate. Don’t let a woman named Amanda and Samantha (maneaters) lead you by your mandingo. Whoa man! If you’re going to be a womanizer, practice disciplined swordsmanship in the code of the yeoman. You are mantastic in your own image. Let your manolantern shine on.
Now man has come to an intersection in his existence. Where does he go? What is his destiny? Manxiety is real. Not every man out there can be a cackermander like Peyton Manning. He wants to be thee man on the moon, but not everyone can be a claimant to that. Be The Man in the Arena. Praying to the many manas and manats can sometimes make you more adamant in securing your own mangrove in Eden. To command discipline you must emanate skills like playing the mandolin, composing a mandamus, learning Mandarin, crafting a diamante, or cooking an amandine. To embrace your inner manticore, apply a soothing touch to your manubrium. By delicately manhandling yourself, you can continue to grow like a germanium or manzanita.
I call upon every sportsman, adman, axman, iceman, fireman, lawman, bowman, sportfisherman, coastguardsman, statesman, congressman, longshoreman, warehouseman, spokesman, businessman, outdoorsman, craftsman, cameraman, Dennis Rodman, ombudsman, midshipman, lobsterman, groundsman, chairman, craftsman, anchorman, minuteman, strongman, muscle man, boogeyman, jury foreman, tribesman, superman, marksman, nobleman, corpsman, mailman, frogman, Manny Pacquaio, caveman, man van cruiser , kinsman, Manute Bol, lineman, mad man, tax man, The Man, gunman, assemblyman, bellman, bat boy, bagman, birdman, bushman, deliveryman, foreman, Gene Hackman, hangman, journeyman, jazzman, manly men, manufacturer of man purses, milkman, oilman, Pacman enthusiasts, salesman, seaman, semenman, spaceman, snowman, weatherman, watchman, wiseman, wingman, infantryman, special forces guy, airman, deliveryman, gasman, groomsman, henchman, horseman, ironman, asexual mannequins, Norman Mailer, plowman, point man, yes man, stuntman, and Zig Zag Man to stand his ground and protect his personal pronouns at all costs. Be proud of your identity. Keep your head up high with your man mane flowing ever so gently on a breezy afternoon.
For every man out there listening, emancipation is drawing near. Don’t let evil forces gerrymander us into permanent servitude. I call upon every fella out there to come out of there dormancy cycle from within their mancave. Keep your mandible chiseled and your man chin pointed towards Valhalla. Shed the invisible manacles, achieving manumit, and make Manu proud! I’m a man and I want you to be your own Iman. Let your man mayonnaise flow thicker than ever. To hell with Purdue University! Shed your mandilion and look upon the brahman for guidance. Walk the path of Manichaeism. Be a man now and embrace the Manitou. We must chant our mantra every day! It is up to us to write a manuscript with our very own penmanship. Be your own Manfred. Proclaimance is nigh. When man finally achieves his manifest destiny, he can have a man fest with his fellow man.
Brian Ss
