-oomers

It's not an -oomer!

Is it me, or do a lot of undesirable groups of people end in the suffix -oomer? Boomers, doomers, groomers, are all destructive subgroups interwoven into the American tapestry. You hear more about them than ever largely thanks to their negative contributions to society and within the informational ecosystem. Nothing good comes out of a collective of people or concept that ends in either -oomer, -umor, and -umer. Anything relating to these types usually relates to decadence, promotion of fear and division, and godawful personalities vying for your attention. I’m about to shine a light on these wieners and expose them for what shitheads they truly are. Join me and let us take a deep delve in examining these miscreants and everything they stand for.

Boomers, AKA the baby boomers, are the tip of the spear of the Me Generation. Self-absorption and narcissism came about at the exact time when the hippies metamorphosized into yuppies. Snorting copious amounts of cocaine in the 1980s this generation brought us items such as neon spandex, the Walkman, and Miami Vice. Inheriting power in the 1990s they will mostly be remembered for consumerism, materialism, environmental damage, AIDS, partisan polarization, greed, the Iraq War, Jeffrey Epstein, economic inequality, the last generation to get pensions, sacrificing the working man on the altar of free trade, repeal of Glass-Steagall, tax cuts for the wealthy, making higher education and housing unaffordable, triggering the 2008 depression, making boomerang generations mainstream, mismanaging the pandemic, having faith in the 24 hour news cycle, devaluing the dollar, and bankrupting the country. The boomers shouldn’t be remembered for being born lucky into favorable economic and political cycles but instead for blowing up the country. The boomers need to ingest copious amounts of psylocibin shroomers, AKA boomers, and engage into a personal moment of self-reflection. Going on the carnival ride, narrated by Boomer Esiason, they will see the error in their ways and hopefully relinquish power once and for all. A successful American empire was supposed to last three saeculum not one.

Groomers, contextually a confusing label. The mainstream version you commonly hear are the people who manipulate vulnerable teens by gaining their trust and cross over to sexual exploitation. These types can be found in Hollywood, recording studios, the halls of Congress, and members of the Epstein class. Essentially anyone in a position of power who takes advantage of a young person and abusing them in the end. It can happen online or when hot horny female teachers take advantage of unsuspecting high school boys. These creeps shouldn’t be confused with pet groomers who provide an invaluable service to your little dog nicknamed Mr. Muffins. These groomers give your domesticated dog a buff and fluff and can also clean his teeth and ears along with trimming his nails. They’ll make your pet smell wonderful even after your dog’s been rolling around in shit in the backyard. Dog groomers are wonderful people and are the sort of adults you’d let around your teenagers. Then there’s the kind of groomers who drive snow cats and groom the snow. Laying perfect corduroy after an overnight snowfall, these groomers manicure the mountain and only hang out with snow bunny groupies aged 21 or older. These men and women work the graveyard shift grooming snow and would never model their lives after R. Kelly.

Doomers are a collective of television and online personalities who hold a negative outlook on just about every topic at large. From the economy to the fabric of America, to the future of humanity, these speculators hedge on cynical perspectives just to draw attention to themselves. This is a form of click bait that is divisive with where the majority of these douchebag doomsayers are usually wrong. Fear and division are the name of the game and it’s really just one big psyop. From Wall Street speculators to political pundits, to negative Nancies, these discouraging sorry asses thrive on the gloom and doom. You wouldn’t want to be around these people in real life since they are the equivalent of a Karen with a massive yeast infection. These pessimistic and hopeless humans for some reason thrive online, but for the optimists amongst us I say doom on these people and don’t let them affect your mood.

Broomers are witches who go commando because it provides a better grip on the broom handle. Popularized in the Wizard of Oz, the Wicked Witch of the West, decided not to wear witch’s britches, deciding to be free and flowy. Broomers love to spread eagle while riding the broom handle to a housekeeping gig then taking that broom stick to sweep up the dust bunnies.

Zoomers are members of Gen Z whose entire existence has revolved around smart phones and social media. Their emotional growth was greatly stunted during the pandemic when they were placed on house arrest with their parents fielding Zoom calls for remote work. Typically, the grandchildren of boomers, the zoomers got screwed by the boomers, and their deferred adulthood will make all of them late bloomers. The members of this generation were assumers of massive amounts of student debt and the presumers say they won’t get jobs thanks to AI and our Boomer in Chief Donald J. Trump.

Roomers are people who rent rooms in shared housing or apartment scenarios. Since the American dream of owning a home is out of reach for the Zoomers, Larry Fink wants to force all young people to rent rooms from BlackRock and subjugate them as a permanent class of roomer consumers. These living arrangements aren’t necessarily for gamer bros who just want to play video games, slumlords everywhere are making a killing by renting out rooms to Zoomers on Airbnb and VRBO. Rumor has it that the Zoomer Roomers will rise up to remove the tumor that is Wall Street infiltrating housing on Main Street.

Lara Loomer(s) are MAGA whores who are political activists, spouting out controversial political commentary. They can usually be found wearing a red ball cap and having sexual fantasies involving POTUS. Making Islamophobia great again, they vow to end Islamic immigration, prevent Sharia law from taking place, and to apply chemotherapy to the cancer of Islam. They’ll also challenge Illan Omar to a celebrity boxing match with the proceeds benefitting Wounded Warrior Project. This isn’t’ just a singular personality, the cult of Lara Loomer is a popular way for hot young conservative women to gain traction on social media and spread awareness that Barak Obama once gave a member of the Muslim Brotherhood a high five on the basketball court.

-Oomers. Mostly abhorrent people with a few decent folks in their respective ranks. If you are classified in one of these sub-groups, chances are that you’re a vampire, feasting on the blood of the young people that you’re taking advantage of. Zoomers, roomers, and broomers get a pass, but I say doom on the doomer boomer groomers. America deserves better leadership than the -Oomericans. We all need to back off of our consumer and perfumer tendencies and gravitate ourselves towards Vroomer culture. If we can all find an affinity as muscle car enthusiasts, driving fast and taking chances while vrooming along in the carpool lane of life, our ultimate outcome will be better. Only that big vroomer energy will bring us together for we can have a circle jerk while binge watching the Fast and Furious Franchise. Vroom, Vroom, and let the vroomers be the guiding light as we propel ourselves into the future at 130 mph.

From the womb(er) to the tomb(er)

Brian Ss