Plumbers Unwinding After a Busy Week
It's gonna be the shit
Plumbers. The guys that you call when your pipes are in need of repair. Whenever there is a leak or a line backed up, you look to the Yellow Pages for a man that can come over at a moment’s notice. He can pump, fit, or repair anything that is causing a hindrance to your household’s circulatory system. This blue collar trade is taken for granted but when the shit gets deep, they provide a more valuable service than lawyers do. Whether you need him to lay some pipe, watch him handle his iron rod, or you’re in need of a good old-fashioned pumping, a plumber on-call will come on over to do the dirty work.
Being a plumber is a respectable profession and a decent way to make a living. After 18-24 months in trade school, you become a journeyman and get mentored by a professional plumb daddy. Great Americans such as Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, AKA Joe the Plumber, found their calling in getting down and dirty in other people’s toilets and septic tanks. Being wrist deep, ankle deep, even knee deep in shit is a job where you should be well compensated for. The money is usually good, with flexibility in scheduling, but there is a soul crushing aspect to this profession. When you are deeper in the shit than a MACV-SOG volunteer, sometimes you need an escape mechanism to feel better about yourself. This is why the international brotherhood of plumbers hits the whiskey after a shitty week of work.
Sipping and savoring the brown water is the only way an on-call and overworked plumber can unwind. Taking a whiff and tasting a classic bourbon is how Rudy the Plumber can forget about treading in shitty water after a septic tank burst in the Cordillera neighborhood. The sweet hints of oak from the whiskey barrel opens up Rudy’s nostrils and make his senses come alive. First sipping, then swilling the expensive brown water in his mouth is how Rudy disassociates himself from getting a mouthful of sewage after that pipe burst on 17th street. Feeling relaxed and unbuttoning his pants to air out his plumber’s crack, he lets the brown water soak into every cell of his being.
Dale the Plumber has had quite a day. Getting called out to the Alpha Delta Pi sorority house he had to contend with a horror show of blockage issues. Everything from feminine hygiene products to massive bowel movements has AD Pi’s pipes backed up. After the overflow on the second-floor bathroom, he had to put on waders and brave through a pool of turds just to turn off the water. That’s why on this Saturday evening Dale pours himself two fingers of Blanton’s Silver Edition Bourbon. At four thousand dollars per limited edition bottle, you damn right Dale earned the right to gargle this expensive brown water in his mouth and esophagus. He works a shit job where very few people would answer the call. The shit show at sorority row that he just responded to was something Mike Rowe wouldn’t even document on his show. Attending to the facilities a day after the sisterhood had a fried chicken feed, should be commended as an act of bravery. Glasses up Dale! You deserve multiple pours of that top shelf brown water. Let it relax you and drip down your chin.
Vern the Plumber just completed a once in a lifetime job. After responding to a Taco Bell in Little Rock, Arkansas he is completely wiped. Corroded pipes and an overkill of toilet paper, utilized to combat the mud salsa, has this particular Taco Bell in a world of shit. Since it’s 99 cent chalupa week, the shit has hit the fan for on-call plumbers near any Taco Bell. After several hours stuck in Brown Town, Vern kicks his feet back in his La-Z-Boy recliner with a fine glass of Japanese Whiskey. He is enjoying a Hibiki Suntory Whiskey, aged 12 years. After nearly drowning in a pool of shit 3 hours ago, Vern now looks to drown his sorrows with an upscale export. This stunning 12-year-old blend from samurai land, is matured in plum encased casks. The lovely malts from Hiroshima, and grains from Nagasaki has this award-winning blend taking home several awards from the 2023 World Whiskey Championship. After getting shit in his face from the fast-food Mexican restaurant, our working-class hero proceeds to get shitfaced as he downs half the bottle.
Not all plumbers are men. Every now and again you will come across a redneck woman who is brave enough to go fishing for brown trout. Nelly McDuff is such a bad ass that she does her job without the luxury of protective gloves. Manually manhandling obstructions that put the poop emoji to shame, Ol’ Nell can man handle any meat chud she comes across. Saying that industrial labor gloves are for pussies, she’s more than happy to get elbow deep in your commode. Working sixty-hour weeks takes its toll and that’s why our heroine Nelly finds comfort in high-end Southern Comfort. Undressing in the bathroom, this natural plumber soaks her worries away in a bathtub full of Jim Beam (shitty whiskey). Closing her eyes to forget about the monster brown trout that she yanked out of a luxury vacation rental used by the Kardashian family, Nell detoxifies her entire body with the bath of JB. Putting on a silky robe she heads to her rocking chair outside where she pours herself a double Eagle Rare Bourbon. Aged 25 years, this ultra-aged bourbon hints of raspberry, smoked oak, dark chocolate, that is quite pleasant on the nostrils; the palate is a balance of vanilla bean, exotic blackberries followed with lingering notes of nutmeg, and artisanal peppercorn. Getting buzzed up from this intoxicating brown water, Nelly gets to hit the reset button and forget about her occupational demands for a while. Gently rocking back and forth in her custom-made rocking chair, she can forget about Tuesday’s upcoming job at Starbucks.
After a shitty week of work, Ernie, “Don’t take no shit from no one” Pallister lounges on his leather couch. When the plunger don’t work, Ernie is the kind of guy you have on speed dial. Making a decent living he is growing weary of the same shit different day mantra. The pile just keeps getting bigger and bigger. Doing this for 30 plus years has this blue-collar hero experiencing an existential crisis. Gently sipping a Pappy Van Winkle’s 15-year Family Reserve, he truly is an aficionado at both fine bourbon and poo. Thinking to himself why can’t people flush twice. Why do they gotta use so much gadang toilet paper, he gently sips the elegant and sweet aroma of the caramel corn finish. Humanity would be better off if we all shit in ditches, Ernie keeps swilling the brown water around his tongue, enjoying the notes of leather and complex fruitiness. Questioning his career choice and philosophizing I’m tired of getting called out for code brown emergencies. I’m tired of people’s shit, their shit for brains bathroom rituals, and their shitty attitudes demanding me to unclog their poop spackled porcelain throne, he continues to savor the smooth notes of citrus and oak tannins. Sitting in silence an epiphany strikes Ernie like a bolt of lightning. Why don’t I quit this shit and go into the whiskey business? I have money saved up. Plumbing and manufacturing fine bourbon both revolve around piping. I got this. My brown water will be the ultimate experience. I will win awards at whiskey festivals and my product will be the shit! Taking the last sip of the fancy brown water Ernie smiles and can’t wait for his career pivot.
Plumbers may be overlooked working professionals, but they know their shit. From the men’s bathroom at Yankee Stadium to the oak casked barrels at a whiskey distillery in Kentucky, these brave men and women have their shit together. They can tackle the day after an Applebee’s fajita night or serve as judges at the Nashville whiskey festival. They are the shit. They have their poop in a group and have earned their right to get poop faced every now and again. This sophisticated class of people may have their jeans hanging halfway off their ass, bending over as they do it all for the dookie, but afterhours they raise a glass of the finest bourbons. Their palettes are the most highly trained in the world as they taste test the finest brown water that truly is the shit. So, the next time you look down on the people that engage in the plumbing profession, just remember they have more refined tastes than Sean Connery.
Brian Ss
