Proud of My Pride
There is no lyin' in Brian
June. The most fantabulous month of the year. The sixth month of the Gregorian calendar hosts the Northern Hemisphere’s summer solstice, marking the beginning of longer days and nicer weather. Memorable holidays such as D-Day, Father’s Day, and Juneteenth fall within this 30-day span. Recently the entire month of June has been designated as Pride Month. The observance was officially designated in 1999 to commemorate recognition of LGBTQ contributions to the immediate community and culture at large. The foundations of Pride coincide with the Stonewall Uprising of 1969 where the first pioneers championed queer activism into a political movement. Annual parades began to take shape in the early 1970s commemorating the anniversary of the Christopher Street Liberation Day. During this era, June 28th was the designated day for marches and recognition of the fight for Gay and Lesbian rights. Once the Mensis lunius hits at 12:00 am midnight, I guarantee that there is no hiding my pride!
Out on the African savannas, where grasslands and sparse trees dot the landscape, prides of male lions mingle together where they stalk prey, eat meat, and engage in homosexual orgies. The Panthera species may look masculine, but their manes make them sexually dimorphic. Make no mistake, there is no gender fluidity or bisexuality here, these Leos are here to hunt and maintain their power top status amongst their pride. After a feast of fresh zebra kill it is time for them to listen to the Village People and break out the baby oil. It is the lion’s philosophy that women are for babies and men are for pleasure. June is significant for lions since it is the one timespan of the year where they are allowed to finally come out of the closet and enjoy a choo choo train in the lion’s den. Here are a few of those brave lions.
Simba. Groomed by the Disney corporation, Simba was a fuckboy up and down sub-Saharan Africa throughout the early 2000s. He may have been a promiscuous twink whore, but he always kept his affairs discreet. Only until his lifelong friend Nala encouraged him to make public that he “walks on the other side of the street,” did Simba make an official announcement. That he is a proud homophile lion and that he is here and he’s queer. Nowadays Simba grazes the plain with his husband Jeremy and their two adopted kids Ralph and Meghan. He is proud to be out but sometimes misses the good old days when he was sporting skimpy jean shorts in Botswana and plowing male lions all night long.
The MGM Lion. Growing up in Tanzania it was only until Leo moved to Hollywood that he came out as gay. Realizing if he wanted to be a Hollywood star, he would have to let top Hollywood producers and studio heads have their way with him. If you want to make it in the movie biz you have to succumb to the pederastic whims of Hollyweird. The Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer mascot didn’t see any issue with it since it opened doors for his career, and he didn’t have to turn tricks as a circus performer. Embracing his role as a circuit queen, Leo always enjoyed partying it up in Palm Springs at gay guy foam parties. Getting crazy on the weekends his interests included sipping vodka martinis and flipping straights for some old-fashioned funky butt loving.
The Cowardly Lion. This Wizard of Oz character was a 20th century dandy always seen accompanying his BFF Dorothy. Since he feared being discovered for his lifestyle, he always winced at what the Scarecrow would think of him. Having a crush on Tin Man, Cowardly Lion always fantasied about making love to Nick Chopper, with the winged monkeys looking on. Sometimes making detours off of the Yellow Brick Road he would secretly attend Oz’s hottest gay nightclubs such as the Rainbow Rendezvous, the Velvet Vault, and the Manhole. Finally coming out in 1979, Cowardly Lion dodged both the AIDS crises and the Moral Majority. Upon retirement, moving to the Kenyan countryside, he is actively composing his memoirs and enjoying afternoon romps with his boy toy Darrell. There is no lyin’ in his passion for his much younger companion.
Snagglepuss. He may be only a pink mountain lion but he’s gayer than a $3 bill playing leapfrog with a $2 bill. Wherever he goes, he books a first-class ticket on the Greek saddle. His exposure on Hanna-Barbera cartoons in the 60s made him a gay culture icon in the 70s. Always recognizable when he was in San Francisco and New York City, Snagglepuss said no to the puss and yes to the cock sandwich. His time at Studio 54 was spent doing lines of coke and doing lions from the Ringling Bros. Circus.
Lion-O. The leader and the Lord of the Thundercats. A Japanimation legend in his own right, Lion-O hit the height of fame in the late 80s and was romantically linked to Panthro. After being in and out of rehab for a decade, stemming from a cocaine habit that devolved into meth abuse, Lion-O has since retired and lives in Key West with his husband He-Man.
Cecil. Once a prominent fixture in Zimbabwe’s Hwange national park, this lion was beloved by park rangers and spectators. It was said that he was Africa’s most famous lion. Cecil was tragically killed by an American dentist in 2015. While in public he maintained a consistent and friendly demeanor, but behind the scenes, deep in the African bush, he was a lion lover of epic proportions. With his body count rumored to be in the thousands, it is said one glance from Cecil would make any lion entertain thoughts of bicuriousity. Despite the tragic circumstances of his death, he remains a martyr to the homosexual lion community.
The Detroit Lions. One of America’s worst sports franchises ever. Despite their losing percentages they are the pride of Detroit. Critics have often cited bad front office management and incompetent head coaches for multiple winless seasons. However, no one chalks up their miserable performances to the real reason. The real reason being that every player for the Lions, past, present, and future is really a gay dude. They have no interest in the pigskin, but rather slapping skins with their fellow teammates. It’s tough to coach a winning football team where all the players aren’t interested in practicing and playing but rather meeting up in the locker room and showering with one another. If these tomcats actually watched film and took their Sunday games seriously, they would be championship contenders every year. Instead, the only game these fellas are interested in is a game of hide the sausage.
All by himself, a gay lion is nothing, but a pride of gay lions is a force to be reckoned with. The dom males and their power bottoms always show up in Detroit every June to take the pride parades by force. Showing their true colors, these Leos wave the rainbow flag with the utmost pride. With Eminem blaring in the background, the lions dominate the streets with their homoerotic feline floats and gay cat innuendo. After the nonstop celebration they’ll retire and attempt to seduce an artsy hipster in the sauna at one of Detroit’s many gay bathhouses. Known as the San Francisco of the upper Midwest, Detroit is always welcoming towards the gay lion community.
Same-sexual activity has always been alive and well in the animal kingdom. Within the last 20 years that number has grown 10x. NatGeo’s Ultimate Explorer profiles gay animals every June and the Lion always tops the list. It truly is pride month in every sense of the double entendre. Why should humans have all the fun and garner all the recognition? It is high time to recognize this species of big cat as the gayest on the game range. Whenever the pride takes shape, I guarantee these lions are wired to go in for the kill and ride the rainbow. When you decide to go on a safari trip to the African Outback take note of the lions. They will probably be out napping, but that’s only because they are tired from getting frisky at one of Diddy’s three-day freak offs.
Brian Ss
