May. The quintessential spring month that offers a sneak preview to summer. As April showers bring May flowers, May Day is the unofficial kickoff for motorhomes to start hitting the road. After seven months of winterization, with their big rig sitting idle, RV enthusiasts break out their thirty footers and take to the highways in the continental United States. The snowbirds start heading to southern locales within the sunshine belt in search of warmer temperatures. From the coastal areas of the Southeast to the desert lands of the American West, these retirees take their oversized recreational vehicles in search of memorable adventures. Touring national parks by day and living in their secondary homes at night, the RV culture always comes to life in May.
As the months become warmer, with more people hitting the road, one can’t help but notice that all RVs and campers have a branded nickname. Much like personal vehicles, the manufacturers of these senior citizen toys have decided to designate names to their whole lineup of fifth wheels. This classification system is good for displaying uniqueness between models. During the height of the pandemic, where everybody decided not to fly and embrace the so-called #vanlife lifestyle, a lot of decommissioned 80s RVs found themselves once again out on the asphalt. People were in search of freedom and good times.
Whether driving for a full day or half day, I guarantee you will witness hundreds of RVs and campers of all shapes and sizes. From front to back, side to side, one will recognize the labels brandished on RVs when out on a road trip. If you and your passengers ever find yourself bored out on the open road and need a little immediate amusement, identify incoming RV names and add the term anal in front of the title. You’ll laugh your ass off and provide yourselves with hours of free entertainment. May the madness begin.
Living on the Western Slope in Colorado, I always head west to the desert country of Utah in May. After a long hard winter, it’s always nice to warm my ass up a bit after experiencing ass freeze for the last several months. Packing up my Toyota Tacoma and heading westbound on I-70 I get to witness the RVs in motion. Piloted by the Silver tsunami, these baby boomers simply don’t recognize that their luxury toys provide endless amounts of laughter. Sneaking up on the backside of a 33-footer right before Glenwood Canyon, I spy with my little eye an RV emblazoned with the name (Anal) Sportsman. After a little snicker, I realize that the driver treats this not as a pastime but as an active sport. A few minutes later I encounter the (Anal) Odyssey. Whether exploring America or a new lover, the driver definitely embraces Homer’s ancient Greek literature.
Deep, deep into Glenwood Canyon, traffic is getting thick and the fifth wheels dot the highway landscape. Out of the corner of my eye I spot the (Anal) Sun Seeker. This guy’s obviously looking to get some sun where the sun don’t shine. Then I saw the (Anal) Passport. The proud owner of this rig can go anywhere and access wherever he damn well pleases. With the red rock features of Glenwood Canyon rising a thousand feet high, I view in awe. That’s up until I encounter the (Anal) Cougar. Sorry fellas, some geezer was at the wheel, not some voluptuous 47-year-old lady looking to pick up younger guys. Laughing so hard my face hurts, I pull over on the edge of town in Glenwood Springs and enjoy a grill and chill at the local Dairy Queen.
Driving onto the onramp and getting back on 70, I shout back to my backseat passengers, “Who’s ready for some anal!” Low and behold we stumble across the (Anal) Reflection. Seeing that the driver is a little squirrely I wouldn’t put it pass him to check himself out with the RV’s onboard vanity mirror. Outside the town of Newcastle we spot the (Anal) Hideaway. Seems like a quality RV if you like your space and need to stow a few extra items on board. Then there’s the (Anal) Airstream. With things warming up in the month of May, who needs swamp ass? My friend then points out the (Anal) No Boundaries, or NoBo. In today’s society, why should there be boundaries on taboo subjects?
After passing the town of Rifle, Battlement Mesa is at my nine o’clock. Our travel momentum is going full speed ahead. That’s when we stumble upon the (Anal) Momentum super-deluxe RV. Rumor has it that’s the same exact model Clarence Thomas tours the country in when he’s not writing decisions and getting kickbacks as a Supreme Court Justice. The (Anal) Momentum is hard-charging and perfect for people that want full control in the driver’s seat. As we enter the convergence zone with the Colorado landscape resembling a high desert, an energy drink is in order. Slamming back a Monster Energy drink, I spot an (Anal) Fuel dreamboat of a recreational vehicle. In disbelief, we catch a glimmer of an (Anal) Fleetwood Bounder. This is the RV featured in Breaking Bad. It’s where Walter White and Jesse Pinkman started cooking meth together.
Cruising through the town of De Beque, we decide to overtake the (Anal) Jamboree. This prototype is a head turner all the way down to the booty hole. These folks are taking it nice and slow and don’t want to violate the mechanical limitations of their (Anal) Jamboree. That would be nothing to celebrate. As I-70 Westbound follows the same exact contours of the Colorado River it feels like we’re experiencing an (Anal) drought. Winnebago viewing has gone dry, and we haven’t seen any notable big rigs for a bit. Nothing but commercial truck drivers hauling Conex trailers. Driving in the shadow of Grand Mesa we finally come upon the (Anal) Prowler right outside the town of Palisade. These folks typically drive at night and always go poking and probing where there’s minimal light. Based on the National Park decals proudly displayed on the bumper of this bad ass (Anal) Prowler, I’m guessing they’re making moves to head on down to Zion and meet up with their friends who pilot an (Anal) Pleasure Seeker.
This same law applies to every Ford and Dodge model of automobile. There’s plenty of those car lineups out on our nation’s highways. Good ol’ American cars manufactured by Ford include the (Anal) Probe, the (Anal) Fusion, and the (Anal) Ranger. Anyone who drives those models of Ford looks a little freaky anyway. And those who aren’t cool with that there’s always the (Anal) Escape. And let’s not forget about Ford’s legacy models of the (Anal) Explorer, the (Anal) Expedition, and the (Anal) Excursion. This lineup can help move around the fat asses of any American in typical fashion. And let’s not forget about Dodge. The (Anal) Ram is the marquee model of this car company. That’s the truck Walker, Texas Ranger drives in when he goes trolling for bad hombres. If you need a commercial van, Dodge offers the (Anal) ProMaster. Whether hauling personnel or freight the (Anal) ProMaster is an expert at all things unconventional. And let us not forget about the (Anal) Attitude, the (Anal) Charger, and the (Anal) Journey. Always make sure to point and laugh whenever you seem some random asshole driving one of these on a road trip.
Finding ourselves smackdab in the middle of Grand Valley we spot an (Anal) Ford Fiesta at the Chik-Fil-A drive through. Giggling while eating a Spicy Deluxe we are ready to get back on the highway for the full on (Anal) extravaganza. Passing through the town of Fruita I notice the (Anal) Apex in full force. The shiny metal-framed exterior on this behemoth of a road warrior is the king of the jungle when it pulls into any KOA. It’s the perfect fifth wheel to get to fifth base in. Making our way through Rabbit Valley, coming up on the Utah State line, my passenger notices both the (Anal) Surveyor and the (Anal) Legend traveling in tandem. It’s quite obvious these retirees love exploring the wide-open spaces that America has to offer. Their conquests are legendary.
Pushing westward through the desert of Eastern Utah we begin to experience yet another (Anal) drought. Not as many cross-country vehicles as we witness more adventure vehicles. Tacomas, Jeeps, and 4-Runners are packed to the gills for endless weekend adventures in Moab. These thrill enthusiasts are getting their asses in gear for a multitude of activities amongst the red rocks. Only until we stumble upon Crescent Junction do we get to stare into the (Anal) abyss of RVs filling their tanks at Papa Joe’s Gas and Go. At pump one we see the proud owner of an (Anal) Voltage filling er up. He’s giving it an unlimited supply of gas. Then we see some guy pumping away on his (Anal) Challenger. He’s driven all day from Las Vegas and no roadblocks can slow him down. Out of my peripheral vision I spot the (Anal) Caveman. This Winnebago looks a bit older and prehistoric, but at least it’s out of its winter cave.
Traveling directly south on the last leg of our journey we are coming upon the (Anal) RV capital of the world. Moab may be located in the ultra-conservative state of Utah, but the Mormons always welcome (Anal) RVs. Bigger vehicles are needed to transport all of the sister wives and other members of polygamist sects. Cruising down Highway 191, the roadway turns into a full-on (Anal) RV viewing gallery. The (Anal) Residency has magnetic stickers of all of the states and national parks that this couple has visited. The (Anal) Rage’N appears to have been rented out by some frat boys who are looking to get their spring break on. Experiencing a mild bout of tunnel vision the (Anal) View finally comes into full view. I’m jealous of the (Anal) Envy since it would be the perfect vehicle to tour North America in. Approaching canyon country we see the (Anal) Wolf Pup, the (Anal) Pulse, the (Anal) Bighorn, and even the (Anal) Outback. The (Anal) Crusader makes a believer out of me as does the (Anal) Commander, the (Anal) Bigfoot, and the (Anal) Sprinter. The (Anal) Hurricane has weathered many storms, as has the (Anal) Shockwave, the (Anal) Dominator, the (Anal) Vengeance, the (Anal) Ace, the (Anal) Zinger, the (Anal) Pilgrim, and last but not least the (Anal) Journey.
Pulling into the outskirts of the town of Moab my crew and I have exhausted ourselves from too much (Anal) RV viewing. Snacking on string cheese and enjoying an Orange Fanta I notice my dogs are barking. Taking off my driving shoes and changing out into my pink socks and sandals, we are now free to check out the nearby national parks and get in some epic mountain bike rides. Storming out of his (Anal) Hard Charger, some baby boomer starts letting me have it for blocking him in. This guy appears to be a bit anal.
Happy RV season!!!
Brian Ss
Motorhomes can give you off-grid nomadic living and what if motorhomes can take to the sky? I mean flying motorhomes or flying RVs. This is what my Skyhome community is striving to achieve. Thanks.