Sizing Up College Degrees

Grab a tape measurer and let's go!

College degrees. Once an important document, now not even worth the paper it’s printed on. A fiat certificate if you will, that now has less utility than nipples on a man named Gary. This expensive higher education hurdle used to guarantee socioeconomic success in the 20th century but has been transformed into a racket within the last 25 years. An ante up upon entry into adulthood, your typical 4-year college degree has long been encouraged by the Baby Boomer Generation but now you can’t even land a decent job out of college with one. So, what’s the fucking point!?! Going into a lifetime of debt because your prefrontal cortex wasn’t fully developed and since you don’t know any better at the age of 18; a college degree simply doesn’t pay the dividends that you were once promised.

I find what’s more annoying than being encouraged that you have to go to college are the people that brag about where they went to college at. Whether a public or private school, people that have to mention their academic credentials in verbal passing always irritate me. You could be talking about Patriots Football and how Tom Brady is the GOAT and then all of a sudden, this random stranger you’ve been chatting with just has to make mention that he went to school at Harvard. He just had to let me know that he went to an Ivy League school for he can inflate his ego and engage in a dick measuring contest simultaneously. It’s the same group of people that brag about their GPA in high school or college. Once you get past that point people compare and contrast themselves to others by going the extra mile to spout out where they spent their university days. Sure, some schools are better than others, but when it comes to a run of the mill 4-year degree it doesn’t really matter. Cs and Ds get degrees and most importantly where you graduated or what your student performance was is no longer an indicator of future success. But throughout your 20s, when you’re just starting out in the professional workforce your fellow coworkers and so-called friends pass judgement on you of where you went to college and if you are worthy enough to hang out with them.

I personally went to an in-state school called the University of Montana. Thee U of M, not that godawful school in Ann Arbor. The collegiate experience was amazing, but the education was so-so. I learned a few things in certain academic arenas, but no skills were mastered. I had drunk the Kool Aid and thought that I was hot shit for getting a bachelor’s degree, but in the end, I should’ve gotten a degree in an emphasis that I liked. Fast forward several years and you may find yourself at a firm or corporate outfit where hypercompetitive Asians and douchebag Caucasians ask you where you went to college and what professional networks come with that big degree. When presented with this question I either lie or change the subject to a skillset that I have mastered and no one in the office could ever come close to this unique talent. A talent so beautiful, it’s what set me apart from the other 50 candidates and helped me land my dream job. Having ended up at the same place as my coworkers is mere coincidence, but being able to masturbate with my non dominant hand shows that I am smarter and work harder than all of those little Millennial pukes put together.

Starting out in Seattle after college graduation I was constantly bombarded with inquiries such as “where did you go to college?” “Did you attend school on the west or east coast?” “What did you study, and were you on the lacrosse team?” Flipping the script in a flash of brilliance I politely inform them that I went to a public school in the mountain west and can jack off with either my right hand or left hand. A muscle memory that was developed after hours of self-mastery in high school and college, I can now achieve orgasm in the same amount of time if I go lefty loosey or righty tighty. I’m a switch-hitter and my ambidextrous nature will take me further than getting an A in 18th century lesbian poetry. Explaining to the person that you may have gotten a better ACT score than me or may have been valedictorian, they’ve never been able to use their weak hand while beating their meat. Telling them that the college they went to sucks, I part ways by giving them a firm handshake with my non-dominant hand.

After working my way up in a mid-level firm, I found myself amongst the MBA mafia. I didn’t have an advanced degree but everyone around me did. When somebody started going off about their fancy schmancy MBA from USC, I piped up and explained that I can stroke my member with my left hand, upside down. Having had a broken hand once, and that I had to learn to milk the cows and milk my boner with my weakest link, the MBA braggadocio finally shut the fuck up about his accolades and achievements. Shocked at the conversational exchange, this jerk off finally realized that we were both on the same playing field and that I had saved a 100k by not getting some jagoff higher degree. Once you master the skill of cranking your hog with your weak hand, you tap into the cognitive reservoirs of both the left and right hemispheres of your brain. The hand eye coordination and recruited muscles needed while giving the nub a rub greatly enhances neural plasticity and makes you smarter. Making it easier to learn new tasks and getting ahead on the corporate ladder, it makes a lot more sense of spending your time and money on learning to masturbate with your weak hand than it does forking over tens of thousands of dollars to obtain an overrated degree.

Interviewing for a new job, I was constantly grilled by both the HR and hiring manager jerkoffs. Impressed with my resume, they felt that I was lacking in academic achievement and demonstrated excellence in school. Explaining to them that college is bullshit, that it’s really young adult daycare with nice amenities, I told them how I once won the fraternity row circle jerk going lefty. With a thousand-dollar pot on the line I showed up and showed off how it’s done by going toe to toe with some of the biggest alpha male jerkoffs on campus. After successfully tossing a load and chugging a beer out of a red solo cup I was crowned the winner and paraded on the shoulders of my peers. Despite the fact that I didn’t go to law school, since nowadays it’s a complete waste of pud, the hiring committee decided to take a chance with me since I demonstrated that I’m good at both administrative and manual labor. Welcoming me to the team and extending their hand, I opted to shake their hands with my non-dominant weapon.

Working the room at a Silicon Valley mixer/professional circle jerk I maneuvered my way around the perimeter of the room(s) rubbing elbows with VCs and oracles. Being amongst some of the smartest people in the world I got to hear nonstop of who went to Stanford and who went to Berkeley. This pack of jerkoffs had their tickets punched with their uber fancy degrees but never came up with original ideas. Thankfully enough the most successful tech titans in this arena dropped out of school not seeing the merit of a traditional 4-year degree. With a chip on their shoulder, they had to prove their worth to their higher ups by coming at them with an amazing business idea or illustrating that they can wank with their weak hand. Take Mark Zuckerberg. He dropped out of Harvard and successfully launched Facebook all while learning weak hand masturbation from a Tibetan monk. This path has led him to making billions and becoming a successful jujitsu student. Steve Jobs dropped out of college after one semester, mastered the art of limp wristed masturbation during an acid trip and successfully built a company called Apple. Recognizing that he was getting jerked around by paying expensive tuition at the University of Chicago, Larry Ellison focused his mental energies on engineering Oracle software and cuffing the carrot blindfolded with his weakest hand. So, you see kids, most billionaires come to the realization at a very young age that higher education has become complete masturbation and the key to professional success is demonstrating to potential investors that you can go hefty lefty while choking the chicken in a Chik Fil A bathroom.

With the potential for AI to make certain white-collar jobs obsolete, there has never been a better time to engage in self-education and self-stimulation with your weak hand. What’s the point of taking out 200k in student loans when you can’t even participate in hand to gland combat since your restrained by the golden handcuffs? No wonder so many girls are on OnlyFans strumming the pink banjo with their non-dominant hand. There’s more dignity doing that than working in corporate advertising. When you are debt free, you are truly free, free to whatever you want, including making masturbatory gestures with your left hand. The entire higher education system is a racket. From the allure of the individual student getting “educated,” to the college recruiters screwing over the nation’s youth, your typical 4-year college degree is nothing more than predatory lenders draining your dragon. And when you enter the job market, with your pointless fucking degree in hand, nobody cares where you went to school, only if you can deliver high-performance results and if you can demonstrate that you can tickle the Wookie with your left hand.

The next time you find yourself amongst your fellow peers and you’re getting sized up for where you attended college, politely tell them to go fuck themselves and that you can fuck yourself by making beef stroganoff with the weaker version of your five-knuckle shuffle. Your college degree has become nothing more than a dick measuring contest and anyone that asks where you went to school is a complete dickhead. If you want to get ahead in the workforce and in life, woo your potential employers with the only skill that matters, jerking off with your non-dominant hand. I guarantee no algorithm, or software system can mimic that behavior. To become undeniable and bulletproof in the job sector, take the time and learn the knowhow of juggling the flesh flute with both hands. You’ll go further in life than any dipshit armed with a bachelor’s degree in business.

Brian Ss