Summer's Most Anticipated TV Show
Let me give you the skinny
With weather getting warmer and the days getting longer, you will still need television programs to watch in between your outdoor adventures. Despite less time spent indoors, compelling TV shows never stop coming out. It doesn’t have to be fall time, great new shows on FX, Apple, Netflix, and Prime always debut in June. Whatever genre you seek, be it a crime-drama, dark comedy, women’s empowerment, or dystopian sci-fi, there is something new for everyone. Some of these new shows are original scripts but most of them are rehashed ideas since Hollywood doesn’t take any creative risks anymore. It’s mostly all the same cultural crap they have been perpetuating for the last 10 years. I yearn for the programming of the nineties when it was authentic and pure.
One tactic that has been around for the last several years is race swapping. This is where Hollywood studios get around original storytelling, by taking an original plot and swapping the characters with people of color. This lazy adaptation doesn’t develop meaningful roles for minority actors but instead is a piss poor attempt at virtue signaling. Everything from the new Wonder Years, Little Mermaid, to the remake of Annie has been greeted with little fanfare and poor ratings. However, I envision a new summertime series that would go over well with race bending. We’ll take the original show Bay Watch and substitute the all-white cast with an all-black cast. And instead of taking place in Southern California, it will take place in Somalia.
Mogadishu Baywatch. David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson’s magnus opus will now be reengineered to be a drama starring lifeguards who patrol the mean beaches of Southern Somalia. With hard black bodies (since there are no fat people over there due to a lack of calories and the occasional famine) hitting the surf and running in slow motion, this rehashed classic screams action and sex appeal. Jimi Jamison’s classic intro “I’ll Be Ready” will be digitally remastered to reflect African Beaches in 2025. The series will star:
Faisel Ahmed Hirsi as Black Mitch Buchannon
Abroone El-Amin as D.J. Madison
Habboon Faroow as Ramon Martinez
Jookha Maandeeq as Donna Pomegranate
Sahal Dhabar as Logan Mustafa
Gamadiid Johnson-Smith as Todd Whitehead
Nashaad Rooda as Jennifer Reichart
And now, Somalian Baywatch……………………………………
On a sunny afternoon, scanning their sectors on Lido Beach, Mitch notices a distressed swimmer caught in a strong undertow. “Are you seeing this D.J.,” Mitch says to his fellow big breasted lifeguard staring through binoculars. “Roger that I got him,” D.J. acknowledges as she jumps off the watchtower with her orange floatie device. Running across the beach into the surf, in super slow motion as her red bathing suit gathers moisture from the ocean, she dives in. Swimming against the current, this buxom beauty makes her way out to the distressed surfer. Wrapping her curves around Ahmed, the local stoner surfer, she heroically brings him to safety upon the white sands of the Somali coastline. “Next time wear a life jacket,” D.J. says to Ahmed giving him a fair warning. “I will beautiful woman,” Ahmed says heaving. “Next time wear a burqa,” I do not wish to be saved by a woman who is dressed like a western whore.”
Just after the third call to prayers from the local minaret, the super-sexy Somali lifeguards are strutting their stuff, waiting for action. “It’s going to be a long weekend,” Ramon says to Logan. “How do you figure,” Logan asks. “Because it’s Khat Fest 2025. That and Rod Stewart is playing at the Olympic Stadium,” Ramon says explaining to his colleague. “That explains while we have these Yemenis sailing over from the Gulf of Aden,” Logan says realizing the error in his ways. “Oh snap, we got a shark on the prowl, cruising towards that fat albino man 50 yards out. Let’s move, let’s really move!” Peeling off their red coats, revealing their slender black torsos, the two lifeguards move with a sense of purpose attempting to save the middle-aged man in distress. Hopping in a dinghy, Ramon rows while Logan starts shooting at the shark with an AK-47. “Help me, help me,” the white devil says shouting at the top of his lungs. “Logan, use the RPG to finish that shark off,” Ramon suggests in the heated moment. Firing an explosive round and rendering the shark dead, the two crabcakes (they don’t qualify as beefcakes since they are too skinny) paddle over and save the distressed man. Breathing heavy from fear the man thanks the two lifeguards for saving his life. “Thanks guys, I thought I was a goner there for a second. My name is Tim Walz. Former VP Candidate and current Governor of Minnesota. I represent Little Mogadishu on the Mississippi. This is my first trip to this beautiful oasis. Thanks for saving my life.” “You are welcome white man,” Ramon says after receiving the praise. “Don’t ever think about interfering with our tribal politics again or Ridley Scott will be making a sequel to Black Hawk Down, you fat American pig,” Logan says warning the American politician.
“How’s the shift going Donna,” Lifeguard Jennifer asking as she looks over the beach crowd. “As of now calm, but our intel suggests otherwise?” “What do you mean,” Jennifer says asking in a serious tone.” “We’ve heard chatter that there are armed gunman trolling the marina looking for booty.” “Well, everyone looks for booty here at Lido Beach.” Unbeknownst to Jennifer booty is code for pirate plunder, not the well-developed glute muscles of some beach babe. Ever since she dyed her hair blonde, her IQ level has dropped fivefold. This Somali beauty may be strong in the water and in the sack, but cognitively she is a ditz. Spotting a dinghy boat with four armed gunmen, Donna sounds the alarm as the pirates ready themselves for a full assault on a Carnival Cruise. “All lifeguards on duty, we got 4 tangos heading towards that docked Carnival Cruise! We have to save those fat westerners,” Donna says shouting with a sense of purpose. “I’m on it,” Todd Whitehead says acknowledging while jumping on a jet ski. Plowing through the mini waves hitting full throttle, Lifeguard Whitehead is a one-man army, determined to thwart piracy in his beloved bay. Fast approaching the 4-pack of amphibious skinnies, he jumps off at the last possible second, crashing the wave runner into the makeshift boat. Stunning the armed gunman and climbing aboard their destroyed vessel, tall, toned and tanned Todd finishes the evildoers off with punishing roundhouse kicks. “Take that ass pirate,” Todd says shouting as he continues his ass kicking. “Not in my bay!” With crowds gathering and overlooking the railing at the astonishing feat of heroism, Todd catches the attention of one particular Carnival Cruiser. Sally Struthers may be a Hollywood has-been, but she was active in the Horn of Africa in the 80s saving the lives of countless orphans. Boarding the cruise ship and receiving a hero’s welcome, Todd is automatically granted a sexual invitation by Miss Struthers. “I like my men like my coffee,” Miss Struthers says complimenting Todd. “Hot, black and nasty in the sack.”
Some episodes will feature celebrity cameos. Famous people such as Minnesota Congresswoman Ilhan Omar will sometimes make guest appearances in Somali Baywatch. Rollerblading down the street in her hijab, Miss Omar catches the immediate attention of lifeguards Logan and Jennifer. “Congresswoman Omar is that you,” Jennifers says inquiring with excitement. “It sure is kiddo,” Ilhan says as she plays herself in the Baywatch reenactment. “What brings you down to Lido Beach Congresswoman,” Logan asks starstruck. “I’m here as an envoy for the Trump Administration in combating female circumcision. For too long, girls have been subjected to genital mutilation to preserve their honor. As a Somali American I am here to tell the Somalian warlords to quit authorizing the cutting out of clitoral glans and removing the labia of girls in order to control a woman’s sexuality. But since I have a few hours of down time I figured I would rollerblade on the boardwalk and get some ice cream.” “Girl power,” Jennifer says acknowledging the politician and giving her a high five. “Just don’t go skating by that Wahhabist school down the street, they may throw stones at you.”
Somalian Baywatch will be the hottest show on television this summer. It can be streamed on both Paramount and HBO Max. Since David Hasselhoff is too old, he will be passing his pretty boy torch off to actor Faisel Ahmed Hirsi. The Somalian edition of Baywatch will once again become the biggest show in the world. Germans from all corners of the Fatherland will be glued to their television sets as they soak in the Somalian sex appeal. They will become horny for the Horn of Africa. It’s not the beaches of Southern California but the beaches of Southern Somalia where toxic waste and bodies of infidels get dumped. Watch it in in super slo-mo as these super sexy Somali lifeguards save lives and kick ass on the East Africa coast.
Brian Ss
