The Best Way to Combat Anxiety
It ain't easy being cheesy
As Americans, we are constantly bombarded by a variety of anxiety disorders. Stress from work, emotional uncertainties, and the constant bombardment of negativity from American news media, has gotten everybody stressed to the max. Within the last generation, social media has gotten everybody frazzled from the constant comparisons to influencers and full scale FOMOphobia. No wonder the United States is in the midst of a full-blown mental health crisis. With tens of millions of people suffering from anxiety and depression, nervous breakdowns and suicidal ideation has exponentially increased. We are in the midst of an epidemic, and the experts don’t really have a formidable solution.
Therapy and SSRIs can only do so much. The healthcare community does have a few options, but most don’t result in positive long-term outcomes. Some people need a holistic makeover which can be too expensive or unreasonable. Not everybody has the time and resources to go on a spiritual retreat to Arizona to rediscover themselves and get their head straightened out. Ever since the 1980s there have been a lot of bad actors looking to sell you goods and services to improve your mental health. Self-help books, meditation retreats, and non-certified gurus promise to help you out of your nervous breakdown but fail to live up to their promises. People that are mentally unwell want to get to that Zen zone, want to achieve nirvana, but most don’t know where to start.
Having suffered anxiety most of my life, I am here to tell you there is a way forward. It mostly stems from simple things like diet, exercise, spending time outdoors and having meaningful conversations with friends and family. It seems simple, but it works. Moderating caffeine and alcohol are also good options for people. Limiting your phone exposure and turning off political pundit hacks also makes a huge difference. But there are times when you need an immediate outlet for your negative emotions. It could be squeezing a stress ball, going to a yoga class or playing with your dog at the park. These are all good options but sometimes you need something instant to put your mind at ease. I find that when viewing images of a black man eating a grilled cheese sandwich, it keeps me calm and allows me to carry on.
Forget Japanese gardening, whenever I’m about ready to lose my shit, I stream YouTube Shorts of a brother enjoying a delicious grilled cheese. He doesn’t speak; it’s just him enjoying the cheesy yumminess sandwiched between two golden toasted slices of bread. Taking his time chewing and emitting feelings of facial satisfaction allows me to realize that everything is going to be okay. Beforehand I was a nervous nelly worrying about next year’s fiscal budget, but after witnessing Leroy polish down a hot sandwich made from 2 slices of white bread and Kraft Singles, it helped calm my nerves.
After a long day of worrying about a vast array of future items to do, I become irritable and hostile towards my significant other. A glass of wine and a THC edible fail to do the trick of pacifying my inner self. Knowing what I need, I get on Instagram and look for black dudes eating grilled cheese sandwiches in the search bar. Small visual bytes provide me with instant relief and an endorphin rush. As I stare at Javon eating smoked gouda cheese with grilled peaches on salted sourdough bread, my cortisol levels plunge. My blood pressure drops and I’m back at my resting heart rate. After taking down the grilled cheese, he helps himself to another one. Chewing to the harmony of the universe, Javon’s polishing off of the gourmet cheese sandwiches makes me think about fluffy white rabbits and helps me have a good night’s rest.
Obsessing about the road rage incident I had on my way home from work, I find myself wound up and pacing around my condominium. Some little fuckers in a Subaru cut me off and gave me the finger. I can’t think straight and become unproductive. Nothing helps me achieve tranquility, I become irritable and unpleasant to be around. When the fresh air and sunshine don’t make any difference to my psyche I turn to YouTube to help me chill out. Fortunately for me I stumble upon a gentleman named Alonzo passionately eating a pesto grilled cheese sandwich with tomato. Using a horseradish cheddar on a homemade multi-grain bread, my main man Alonzo is chewing with a sense of purpose. As the gooey goodness melts in his mouth, I find myself coming back to my baseline of emotions. I’m as calm as a Buddhist monk after watching that mofo Alonzo go low and slow on that Rachel Ray creation.
Being that I am a delicate and unique snowflake, I get triggered fairly easily when it comes to information overload. Whenever I see something that upsets the current cultural zeitgeist, I tend to lose my shit and suck on my adult pacifier to make the outrage go away. However, the anxiety inducement can sometimes go on for hours before I feel normal again. Witnessing a 500 lb. Samoan man vomit all over a little girl at the Chinese buffet sent me into a full-on panic attack. Having to heave into a brown paper bag I finally came around to looking up the IG account BruthasGettingCheesy. There I see Deshawn readying himself to eat delicious grilled cheese off a plate. Wearing a fedora hat, Deshawn gently nibbles on a sourdough wheat with prosciutto and pears smothered in a melted Havarti dill cheese. The spread is a fig grape jelly that compliments this artisan cheese sandwich. Consuming the masterpiece cheese sandwich with love, Deshawn finishes the main course and finishes it with a dill pickle. I finally relax and the day’s worries melt away. If it weren’t for black dudes eating cheesy goodness I’d find myself in a rubber room.
The outside world doesn’t always breed my anxiety attacks. Consuming violent and upsetting media sometimes will do the trick. Since everybody is a fucking pussy anymore, all streaming shows come in with viewer discretion advised warning orders. While watching the Netflix film LA 92, witnessing the LAPD Rodney Kinging Rodney King, I immediately go into cringe mode. Thinking why couldn’t they just serve that motorist delicious cheese sandwiches to counter his PCP induced euphoria I turn the channel to something with better vibes. That’s when I stumble upon a YouTube Short of Malik Shabazz Jackson eating the finest grilled cheese creation I have ever seen. My main man Malik is experiencing a mouthwatering cheesy delight made from thick cut artisan bread, homemade mayonnaise spread, 6 oz of grated muenster cheese, 4 slices of white cheddar, pickled onions, garden fresh rosemary, with a sprinkle of brown sugar. Using tomato bisque as a soaking sauce, Malik is experiencing the Shangri La of the cheese sandwich world with my nerves calming. Every bite he takes erases the upsetting imagery of Korean Grocers discharging their firearms at looters during the L.A. Riots. I no longer need a cigarette to postpone my PTSD, Malik and his mouthwatering sammich does it for me.
In August of this year, I was invited to be a keynote speak at the annual American Psychological Association convention in Denver. Speaking of my challenges with anxiety, I spliced together a slide show documenting how I combat this dreaded affliction by showing a viewing gallery of chocolate warriors going to town on fat stacks of grilled cheese sandwiches. Monitoring my vitals and medical data I prove to the psychologist community that the future treatment of anxiety and wellness won’t be prescription drugs like Prozac, it will micro exposures of watching blacks on grilled cheese stacks. Black Jesus says hell no to the fried chicken and hell yes to the grilled cheese. Showing a 90 second public service announcement of Barack Obama devouring a brie and caramelized onion grilled cheese, I win the experts over. The future of mental health won’t be a Freudian approach it will be much easier with black men getting cheesier.
Life is hard. It’s not easy being human. Things like daily prayers and meditation can help but won’t deliver results for everyone. Medication and self-medication are to be avoided at all costs. Sometimes you need a little more than being in nature and having meaningful conversations with loved ones. If you feel like you have no mechanism in dealing with the hellscape of modern society, do what I do, take a deep breath and experience black dudes eating delicious grilled cheese. The golden-brown bread and crunchy texture from every bite will melt away any intrusive thoughts that create stress. Watching Tyrone munch away on a bruschetta grilled cheese will evaporate your trivial mental disturbances.
Brian Ss