The Brian Doctrine

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Throughout the modern era, American presidents are typically defined by their foreign policies and world views. Each president’s idealisms are shaped by invoking certain measures with the promotion of world peace in mind. Their cabinets and advisors traditionally hatch proposals on how to foster better trade relations and which countries to go to war with, preserving 20th century international order. Starting with Teddy Roosevelt’s Big Stick Diplomacy, an extension of the Monroe Doctrine, was a way to maintain stability in the Western Hemisphere and to prevent European intervention in Latin America. Military intervention was to only be used as a last resort. Then you had Woodrow Wilson. His Wilsonian principles of internationalism through the protection of democracy, maintaining open diplomacy and collective security through international organizations, was seen as a disaster. It involved America’s entry into WWI leading to the 14 Points and the birth of the League of Nations. The Wilson Doctrine’s attempt at starting a new international order will go down in history as an abject failure and ultimately leading to World War II. Whether isolationist or interventionist, America’s various leadership doctrines have been good, bad, and some outright ugly.

During FDR’s four terms in the White House, his doctrine constantly evolved. Starting with strict isolationism and neutrality he argued that only when democracy was threatened that the United States would intervene. Even before America’s entry into WWII, Roosevelt argued that we were the Arsenal of Democracy sending material aid to Britain and the Soviet Union for they could successfully fight the Germans. Only after Pearl Harbor did he suggest there needed to be a moral opposition to fascism. After fighting a war on two fronts, FDR was instrumental in laying the groundwork for a postwar world and the creation of the United Nations. FDR ultimately set the stage for American interventionism for the next 80 years with the United States leading the way as an empire in a bipolar world.

Then there was the Truman Doctrine, which was the beginning of the American strategy to contain Communism. The Eisenhower Doctrine, similar to Truman’s, but greatly expanded America’s footprint in the Middle East to exert influence over the Suez Canal and foreign oil supply. The JFK Doctrine used something called the “the flexible response” which sought to use the Green Berets and Peace Corps instead of relying on the nuclear arsenal. After Vietnam, the Reagan Doctrine went back to a style similar to the Monroe Doctrine. Communism needed to be rolled back instead of contained, with proxies and black ops utilized in the Iran-Contra Affair. The Bush II Doctrine was all about the neocon’s fantasy of using preemptive force and destabilizing the Middle East. Remember, you’re either with us or you’re with the terrorists. Then you have the Obama Doctrine, which was largely a continuation of the Bush Doctrine but in a more pussy ass manner. Then you have the Trump Doctrine, AKA the Donroe Doctrine. It started out as an America First strategy but has shifted back to a neocon interventionist clusterfuck by going to war with Iran. With multiple paradigm shifts going back and forth between various forms of involvement, and at times outright belligerence, it’s easy to see why U.S. foreign policy is a disaster and why a lot of the world resents us. It’s a high time that a new doctrine is introduced to maintain America’s standing in the world for the next American century.

I believe my world view, AKA the Brian Doctrine, will reassert American dominance in the world and win back our allies. Some friendships and regions will get left behind but in the end, it will only strengthen the republic, as we scale back the empire. We’re overstretched and waste entirely too much taxpayer money on client states when that money would be better spent on rebuilding our infrastructure. We need to quit drawing comparisons to Rome and reassert ourselves on the world stage.

First off, I would completely abandon the Middle East. The Middle East is nothing more than one gigantic turd, and when there’s a turd nearby you don’t pick it up, you just let it be. Instead of sending trillions of dollars and endless weapon systems over there to trigger Armageddon, I believe my ' ‘let the turd sit’ approach would save us constant headaches and thousands of lives. We have no friends over there, everyone hates us. We don’t need the energy reserves over there, there’s plenty in North America. My laissez-faire poo poo approach is completely organic and within thirty years the turd would decompose back into the earth, with that part of the world finally achieving a lasting peace. Such a component of the Brian Doctrine would be Nobel Peace Prize worthy, and champagne bottles would pop in Oslo, Norway celebrating America’s turd-free foreign policy approach.

Next up Europe. It’s time to quit breast feeding those countries with our foreign aid and massive military installations within continental Europe. They’ve been on the teet long enough, dating back to the Marshall Plan. NATO is more worthless than nipples on a man and the United States finances 90% of it. Ever since the end of the Cold War, European countries have done next to nothing to pay for its own self-defense. You bit the breast and you done messed around with the rest. Putin and Russia are not necessarily the boogeyman. You need to normalize relations with the Kremlin and resume the once prosperous trading relationship you had. What’s the point of defending Europe if it’s committing cultural suicide through mass migration and Islamization? That’s your biggest enemy. The Trojan Horse of demographic decline is the biggest turd in the punch bowl and until you people get your shit together, there is no reason for the United States to subsidize your civilizational suicide. The Brian Doctrine states that all Army and Air bases need to be vacated by the end of 2027.

One exception to this rule is Switzerland. I think we need to bomb the living shit out of it. It’s remained neutral for far too long and is nothing more than a protectorate enclave for bankers. The people are cunts and a little too snooty for my liking. Carpet bombing Bern may be a good start but eventually we could expand our aerial campaign to Zurich and Geneva. Air dropping commandos into Davos, the special forces troops could disrupt the World Economic Forum meetings along with raping and pillaging Lil Miss Swiss Miss’s village. Switzerland has been holding the world hostage for far too long with its chocolate exports and expensive fondue cheeses, it’s finally time for some payback. A key component of the Brian Doctrine would be a strong Fuck Switzerland approach.

Canada. I think we need to launch a preemptive invasion there to seize British Columbia and forge a land bridge all the way up to Alaska. We may also take Alberta Province, but we certainly don’t need the empty interior. It’s nothing but a bunch of yodeling sheep fuckers anyway, and we don’t need to annex that into Greater America. We’ll take the resources but don’t really need any of the cities or the French Canadians. Canada must be liberated before it becomes a leftist dictatorship. The Brian Doctrine clearly states a 12-point plan of bringing prosperity to our brothers up north.

Latin America and Mexico. The Southern Border Wall must remain, and human trafficking must cease and desist. America at the moment is full. It’s like a sold-out movie theater; you bring in any more people you’re running the risk of a fire hazard. The global south needs to unfuck itself and provide its own restoration for law and order. The only commodities we really need are the rare earth minerals in the tri-state area of Peru, Bolivia, and Chile. We must actively expel all undue Chinese influence in South America and prevent them from owning ports in the Western Hemisphere. We will only act militarily if any big-booty Latinas are endangered. Big-booty Latinas make the world go round and could be a potential replacement for the flat and sagging butts of American white girls. It truly is Latin America’s greatest export. We will only act militarily, with tomahawk missiles and launching amphibious invasions with U.S. Marines, if and when the big-booty Latinas are under threat. This goes above and beyond the Monroe and the Donroe Doctrine, the Brian Doctrine vows to protect that ass at any cost.

Africa and Asia. We don’t need anything from either one of them.

The Western Pacific and China. While the United States must continue its dominance over the shipping lanes of the Pacific Ocean we don’t need to get in a world war over them. The Chinese Navy is on the rise and has Tawain in its sights. But in all honesty, what the fuck are we going to do about it? Taiwan may be able to hold off for weeks or months but resupplying it from its eastern shores is not worth getting into a massive military confrontation over. Taiwan should not be treated as a sacrificial lamb, but who the fuck is going to enlist to fight the Chinese over Taiwan? The Brian Doctrine proposes sitting this one out and eating Chinese food on the homefront. Why get blown away in a faraway land when you could be sitting at home and eating dumplings with some Egg foo young.

Antarctica. We’re not going fuck around in there, that’s where our alien overlords have their forward operating base at.

American foreign policy has been an outright disaster since 1945. Sure, we contained Communism and did some kick ass things, but most of our decision making has been made by special interest lobbies, not through the consent of the people. We need to weaken the empire by strengthening the republic. We must resort back to neutrality over hyper interventionism. There are too many military installations abroad and not enough strategic outposts on our own soil. American taxpayer dollars shall be insourced, not pissed away on the Ukraine or in the Middle East. We must extract ourselves from these lose-lose situations and go back to more sensible foreign policy objectives. Protecting our borders, engaging in friendly competition with China, and telling Europe to go fuck itself are all reasonable strategic aims. If Pax Americana wants to survive the 21st century we’re going to have to implement a more reasonable foreign policy approach. We need to completely abandon the Middle East and Europe refocusing our energies on big booty Latinas whenever they are threatened.

Brian Ss