Do you ever find yourself driving around and you come across a gas station stating that they have the coldest beer in town? It’s a bold statement and they audaciously advertise it with a big canvas banner outside or on their small business billboard. Bars and liquor stores alike always make these out of the world claims that they have the Coldest Beer in Town. Stroll around in their walk-in freezers long enough and you may catch a chill just walking around in them. Beer so icy cold you gotta wear a parka just to have a sip. You may even experience some esophageal frost bite down your throat because it’s the coldest goddamn beer in town.
But how do you really know it’s the coldest beer in town? Is there an intown committee certifying that the beverages the vendor sells is in fact the coldest? Is there any truth in these bodacious claims or is this just deceptive advertising? At any given moment, there are over forty thousand establishments in the U.S. stating that they do in fact have the coldest beer in town. In Gypsum, Colorado, both Oasis Liquor and a night club called the Manhole simultaneously claim that they serve the coldest beer in town. Is this to be settled with a county inspection or a coin toss? The Alcoholic Beverage Control Division needs to pay a visit with a thermometer and settle this dispute once and for all. I’m tired of everybody making these statements with no concrete evidence to back it up. There needs to be a reliable system, we can all agree on, to guarantee the beer that we are consuming is in fact the coldest within city limits. That’s why we need to place our trust in Dylan Mulvaney to certify that any given beer is in fact the coldest in town.
You remember Dylan. She/Her was at the epicenter of that Bud Light debacle that annihilated the Anheuser-Busch brand. Exuding her elegance as a little girl in fantasy land, she celebrated her womanhood by endorsing that half shitty beer in a blue can. Her documentation of 365 days of girlhood on TikTok is groundbreaking and heroic. Unfortunately, too many red blooded Americans, to include Kid Rock, were triggered by this social media ad campaign. Taking to the airwaves by shooting up Bud Light products with AR-15s, these country folks simply couldn’t understand Dylan’s beautiful transition into a Bud Light spokesperson. Miss Mulvaney has been a beer connoisseur for ten plus years and when it comes to the integrity of beer temperature, she’ll go toe to toe with any swinging dick. Regardless of where you stand on this polarizing issue, one thing is for certain, the bitch knows her beer.
Ever since she was crowned as Queen of the King of Beers, Dylan accepted various job responsibilities with her royal title. Being a spokesperson for such an iconic brand is an honor so that’s why Miss Mulvaney was delegated to travel from small town to small town to settle the score of who has the coldest beer in town. Arriving in a Clydesdale drawn horse carriage, you can usually find this “Woman of the Year” wearing an elegant gown or rocking a bikini. Stopping off in Walkerville, Montana, it is up to Dylan to decide who has the coldest beer in town. Both the Chrystal Slipper Lounge and Pizzer’s Palace are vying for the title. These fine establishments are both situated overlooking Berkley Pit, one of the biggest open pit mines in the world. It’s up to them to quench the thirst of miners with their coldest of cold beer claim to fame. Pulling up a barstool like a boss lady, Dylan orders up a Pabst Blue Ribbon tallboy from each respective bar. Taking off her lady glove she probes the tall can with her delicate fingers and presses the chilled aluminum container to her brow proclaiming, “Oh that’s nice.” Sampling the other one, clutching it to her breastbone, she pops the top taking a sip. Pouring it over her head and her hair extensions she states, “Oh, you sure put out my fire.” After careful consideration she declares Pizzer’s Palace the winner. Their liquid is 34 degrees Fahrenheit while Chrystal Slipper Lounge’s was only 35 degrees. Hopping back in her buggy, this femme fatale has more work to do.
Pulling in to Shitcreek, Oregon it is up to Dylan to decide who has the coolest cold beer in the Oregonian countryside. Wearing a fantabulous green dress from Vera Wang, Dylan saunters up to the county building where she will be sampling beers from the Tipsy Tavern and the VFW. Both owners of their respective establishments are adamant that they have the coldest beer in town. Today’s brand of tasting will be Modelo since neither bar will carry Bud Light anymore. Dylan is looking for something extra cold today since it is ninety degrees out and she’s experiencing hot flashes. Swirling the Modelo around in a wine glass, DM admires the coloration and then presses the cold liquid to her soft feminine lips. “Oh yeah, mama likes,” she says putting the glass from Tipsy’s down. Swilling the ice cold beer from the VFW she shivers saying, “You know how to give a girl a cold.” After careful debate and several temperature measurements it is declared a tie. Both beers come in at 33.4 degrees. For the tie breaker Miss Mulvaney starts sucking on a popsicle, to cool down her tongue. Blowing on each tavern’s aluminum can of Modelo with her icy breath, she gives the advantage to the VFW. “Winner, winner, chicken dinner,” she says jumping up and down in a cheerleader costume she just changed into for the occasion. Hopping into a limo Dylan hurries away for she can deliver a speech on “Girl Power in the Workplace.”
On a sweltering day in West Texas, the town of Badger is up in arms on who has the coldest beer in town. The rivalry is between Miguel’s Rancho and Bud’s Bar. Words are exchanged and guns are drawn on whose Natty Lite is colder. Swooping in on a Huey Helicopter, our heroine Dy-Lan fast ropes out of the chopper wearing a leather leotard fitted with guns and a whip. Inspired by Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider, her outfit and her expert palette will be the ultimate decider on who has the coldest beer in this town of 876 people. Struggling with a case of the classic BSTL, Miss Mulvaney decides to take a stroll in a walk-in cooler to experience some heat relief and cool off her bulge. Walking into Bud’s Bar like an Old West gunslinger, Dillion whips her whip grabbing ahold of the Natty. Taking a long swill off the hooch and placing the cold can on her crotch she says, “Oh yeah cowboy, this frigid piss will give a girl some shrinkage alright.” Having a taste tester of the chilled water at Miguel’s Rancho she says, “This is more like room temperature. Sorry but this beerski won’t get a girl like me all hot and bothered. Declaring Bud’s Bar as the official coldest beer in town, DM is picked up in a Pink Cadillac by Drew Barrymore and Kamala Harris. The three of them go full on Charlie’s Angels and make a run for the border. Tomorrow, Dylan will be the keynote speaker for the Women’s Liberation Front in Ciudad Juarez.
Rafting down the Colorado River with her entourage, Dylan and company pull off in Rifle, Colorado. Today she is wearing an iconic one-piece bathing suit with people suggesting she looks like Audrey Hepburn. Today the dispute for coldest beer in town is between Pooter’s Café and Shooters Bar and Grill. Shooters is owned by Rep. Lauren Boebert and claims it has the coldest Coors Light in town if not the state. Walking into Shooters like a model on a Milan catwalk, DM swaggers up to the bar in her designer sunglasses. Demanding a 24oz Coors Light for judgment purposes, Dylan pops the top of the man can and takes a long chug off the Colorado Kool-Aid. Recognizing the Rocky Mountain coldness Dylan declares to Lauren, “Oh honey this is the coldest beer I’ve ever had. I’m nipping out under my swimsuit.” After a warm embrace and titty bump between the two powerful women, Lauren invites Dylan to go 4-Wheeling and shoot squirrels.
Despite not having a Barbie pocket, Dylan Mulvaney is hands down the ultimate tiebreaker on who in fact has the coldest beer in town. Since wading into the culture wars, she has clearly demonstrated that her feminine mystique can decipher the centigrade measurement of any beer. Her classiness is an inspiration to women everywhere. If you ever need a referee in the battle of the beers or battle of the sexes, Dylan is your gal. If she can master 365 days of being a girl she can surely decide which lineup of shitty beers is the coldest in town.
Brian Ss