It happens every Spring. To the dismay of most Americans, Daylight Saving Time is forced upon them not just annually, but semi-annually. Clocks are advanced to better utilize longer daylight hours. DST has been utilized by societies, both past and present, to better manage both agrarian and industrialized economies. Daily work routines and personal productivity are said to be enhanced by the extra hour of daylight made attainable to the average worker. Whether for farming efficiency or decreasing household energy consumption, DST always has Americans grumbling about having their circadian rhythms thrown off for two weeks every spring. Spring forward, fall back, winter’s more northward, kiss my Summer’s black azz.
According to QAnon, DST is a diabolical satanic tactic utilized by the government to mess up your sleep cycle in the name of GDP and energy conservation. Every six months or so, our reptilian leaders continuously elect to fuck with their constituents by making them have to adjust their alarm clocks by an hour. While this accusation is partially true, the rest of it can be explained in simpler terms. Ever since 1919, dairy farmers, factory workers, and transport companies have lobbied Congress for 60 minute clock adjustments as a better way to utilize daylight hours. Milking cows, assembly line production, and interstate commerce all benefit with more daily sunlight. With these job capacities diminishing it is argued for the abolishment of DST. Next to nobody milks cows, manufactures widgets in a factory, or drives a truck anymore. Growing restless, the broader civilian populace is demanding an end to DST at a state level. It is not up to the states to decide. Such a decision comes from the federal level.
Year in and year out, we the people demand an end to daylight saving time, but every time it gets struck down. It is suspected that a big-monied special interest group is always behind the veto, but no one knows who. There’s been speculation that it could be Big Oil, Big Pharma, even the Military Industrial Complex, but the shifting of daylight doesn’t affect the MO of any of these major conglomerates. The AFL-CIO, NRA, and even the Association of Trial Lawyers of America have all vehemently denied any interference in trying to get the law changed. Recently a shadowy group known as CLAMS has come out and said they are putting up the dark money to prevent this standard practice from being overturned. They have stated that they will filibuster this until the bitter end. The Coordinated Legion of American Male Strippers will fight tooth and nail to keep the current DST system alive and well.
In 1971, the initial charter of CLAMS was established to give a collective voice to male strippers, gigolos, and prostidudes. Once the organization gained membership and became a political voice it was decided by the upper echelons that springtime DST was good for business. That extra hour of nighttime daylight would always be good for earned tips through dick waving and lap dances. Tens of billions of dollars are earned every hour by the “gents of the night.” The unreported revenue earned by a bunch of stud ponies, wearing G-strings and shaking their schlongs, is the biggest industry in the black market. The culmination of $1 and $2 dollar bills far outearns drug traffickers and gun runners.
Come that dreaded Sunday morning in March, macho dancers around the world do a reset the night before. Tucking away their purple crayons an hour early they know it’s time for a seasonal changeover. Thee It’s Raining Men weather pattern blows out one hour early for all of the Duke lacrosse players can run home and get their beauty sleep. Upon awakening an hour earlier, millions of male strippers hit their local gym and engage in intense weightlifting and cardio. Male strippers have to be in top condition for they can wave their banana hammocks around the faces of recent divorcees. With their lean muscular physiques already primed they can be Chippendales ready before anyone else is even out of bed. After their intense morning workout, they all meet up at Denny’s where they indulge in animal protein and green smoothies.
Since they are one of the only work cultures up and at ‘em at that hour they dominate the economy. “From sundown until noon the next day we run the world,” says a male stripper who only wanted to be identified as Mantana. “We’re the only ones putting in work by ripping off our sleeveless shirts and waving our flesh wands at birthday girls in the Hunk Oasis. After an intense night of earning fat stacks of five dollar bills, we go out for an intense weightlifting sesh followed up with a muscle building meal courtesy of Denny’s. This is how I maintain my chiseled abs and spectacular buttocks!” It is said that male strippers dominate law enforcement circles under code names such as Officer Nasty, Officer Swinging Dick, and Officer Shaven Balls. This civil servant affiliation helps them in infiltrating political establishments thus affecting policies that benefit CLAMS.
With the changeover in daylight it is speculated that DST has a positive impact on female hormones. The oven clock may say it is 9 pm but your vagina is saying it’s only 8. When this is the case you do what any sensible woman would do. Call up your girlfriends and order up some male strippers. Whether it is a private show at your home or heading out to see the sexiest of sexy men that ooze sexiness at the Thunder Down Under, you are primed to have an enjoyable time and spend more money. When a Mexican American stripper named Magica Miguel gives you the dry hump of a lifetime, you are obligated to give him a little extra. March and April are the most popular months for bachelorette parties. When women are still adjusting their circadian rhythms and sleep cycles, dudes wearing nothing but cowboy hats and cowboy boots spring into action. Drowning their “twisted steel and sex appeal” physiques in whipped cream they give all the sex crazed ladies an unforgettable night. With an extra hour to work with this stable of man ponies earns an additional 20% thanks to DST.
Every male stripper is required to tithe 15% of their earnings to CLAMS. Money earned by exposing your bulge or showering dick confetti goes directly to the syndicate. Male stripper operatives use sexual blackmail in compromising members of Congress. Once photographic and video evidence is recorded, of young men gyrating their hips and love muscles at both male and female Senators, it has allowed CLAMS to dictate daylight saving time policy for the last fifty years. There really isn’t any direct need for DST anymore, but since the male stripper community stands to lose big, they lobby hard and petition even harder to keep the money flowing. Even women’s groups such as NOW, the NLWL, and NAWOLG ally themselves with CLAMS since an extra hour of male stripper availability is a win for women everywhere.
DST has become a real pain in the ass to the people of this country. If male strippers can run on solar power and thrive on an extra hour of nighttime delights, good for them. Not everybody else in society needs to suffer while some exotic male dancer named Julian is granted an extra hour everyday to prance his penis around in a cheetah thong. I’m tired of these special interest groups benefiting from government legislation that benefits only them. They are all a bunch of whores and need to be stripped of their right to petition. While it takes most Americans two weeks to adjust to the clock changeover, male strippers and their clientele are out there having a good time at your expense. CLAMS and the clams of their customers have no right to profit from your lost hour of sleep. Repeal daylight savings time today!
Brian Ss