Do you ever find yourself showing up to social gatherings and not being overly impressed with the attendees? Business conferences, networking events, or dinner parties where the people are uninteresting and out of this world boring? In a world of phonies it’s always nice to connect with the most interesting person in a social setting. There’s always one man in a room, out of 20-25 dipshits, that you yearn to converse and get acquainted with. He can always articulate a genuine and unique perspective through his tender humdrum. His conversationalist skills displays that he is an adventurous storyteller and always captivates his audience. He’ll transform your evening from ordinary to extraordinary.
Not only is he a humble converser but he is also a good listener. The advice he gives can help you in solving life’s problems. His genuine outlook on life shows that he is authentic and a down to earth human. The aura that he emits lets you know that there are no lies and exaggerations in his speeches. His open-mindedness displays nothing but positive vibes as he attracts people from all walks of life. Women want him and men want to be like him. We are all friends or have crossed paths with somebody that fits this description. He can work a room or a crowd like nobody’s business. The magnetism that is emitted from his body language reminds us of the positive qualities of human nature. I have a lifelong friend that meets this criterion. His sense of humor and quick wit always charms those around him. I’d like to introduce to you my near and dear friend Mike Hunt.
Mike Hunt, he doesn’t like the formal name Michael, is well read and has had many life experiences. Mike Hunt was born a miraculous birth in the State of Montana, sometime in the early 80s. He was conceived by his virgin mother and the power of the Great White Spirit without sexual intercourse. Not wanting to keep her baby or put him up for formal adoption, Mike Hunt’s teen mom Tara, put him in a reed basket and floated him down the Missouri River. Being sniffed out by wolves, Mike Hunt spent the first two years of his life being cared for and breastfed by a she wolf named Seiko. At the tender age of two a wildlife expedition stumbled upon Mike Hunt gently placing their hands upon thee. Being put up for formal adoption, Mike Hunt was adopted by a loving couple who were teachers at the local high school.
Mike Hunt’s upbringing was mostly spent outdoors. The clean air and water that he was exposed to made Mike Hunt’s existence pure and fresh. His adoptive father took him hunting and fishing where Mike Hunt always got down and dirty in the woods and grasslands of Montana. Excelling in academia, Mike Hunt eventually took a big juicy gap year before attending university. Working the Alaskan fish boats for two summers, most of Mike Hunt’s most valuable life lessons were spent getting pounded by the waves and stretched by a tyrannical fishing boat captain named Barry McCockiner. Exhausted by 20 hour workdays, the daily gang bang Mike Hunt absorbed always left him chafed and reeking of fish. But the life experience and hard circumstances that he faced would help Mike Hunt give birth to a lifetime of anecdotes.
Giving college a whirl for a few years, Mike Hunt experimented with psychedelic substances and engaged in sexual exploration. Shoving many new ideologies into his whole existence, Mike Hunt always shrugged off the ones that didn’t feel like a natural fit. After two years at the U of M, realizing that higher education is a complete waste of time and money, he wasn’t going to allow student loans to financially bleed out Mike Hunt. Searching for true meaning in life, Mike Hunt decided to sign up for the Peace Corps where he can spread his wings and fly. Landing in the African continent, Mike Hunt was assigned to the nation of Gambia where he befriends many friendly African men. Building wells and playing beach soccer all day, Mike Hunt always feels tired and sore after getting schooled by all of his newfound friends. Jumping into the ocean after a long day, Mike Hunt would always get wet and salty just to feel alive.
Throughout his twenties Mike Hunt continued to explore the inner crevices of his existence. New experiences helped him stroke his ego and helped him learn more about himself through self-exploration. Volunteering at an animal shelter in Northern California he always took pleasure in petting the kittys. Doing an apprenticeship in Nashville, Mike Hunt learned how to master handcrafting and strumming finely tuned banjoes. When he worked for six months as a line cook in San Antonio, Mike Hunt learned how to make epic Mexican food by tickling the taco. Functioning as a technician with Geek Squad, Mike Hunt really got into double clicking that mouse. And when he found himself protesting against global warming, the counter protestors actually spat on Mike Hunt.
After many years abroad and transforming himself into an interesting fellow, Mike Hunt’s life experience emits an aura of sweat, urine, and inviting curiosity. Always stroking his beard gently with two fingers, Mike Hunt is always gentle in his seductive conversations. When you ask him for advice on whether or not to pursue a relationship with a ventriloquist, the warm air coming out of Mike Hunt will help you in deciding. Mike Hunt’s soft and moist lips will give you the proper consultation on whether you should go to Albania or Puerto Rico for vacation. On matters of landscape architecture, he’ll tell you to forgo the Japanese rock garden since Mike Hunt always prefers a full bush. And when you ask Mr. Wonderful if a hot tub is the best form of hydrotherapy for achy muscles, Mike Hunt always says the “wetter the better.”
Upon entering a room, have a deep gaze and see if you can catch a glimpse of Mike Hunt. If you don’t see him at first you can always attempt to sniff him out. Since he always keeps himself groomed with good hygiene, chances are you could probably catch a whiff of Mike Hunt. His posture is never loosie goosy, Mike Hunt always stands upright and keeps his game tight. Rocking a five O’clock shadow, Mike Hunt can usually be seen drinking a Squirt on the outer perimeters of a room. He’s usually situated against a wall scanning the audience. Mike Hunt is always aware of who comes and goes, upon entry and exit, since Mike Hunt reserves the right to know who in the audience inserts themselves and pulls out of the nightly event. Since he is so interesting and humble one could feed upon Mike Hunt and his treasure trove of short stories.
I don’t know about you, but I am getting sick and tired of the lack of intellect in today’s modern conversations. Just overhearing any group of 4-6 people chatting away, I guarantee it’s fucking boring. It’s usually 2-3 lame-ass millennial couples talking about crypto and the HBO show White Lotus. No worthwhile life experiences being shared. That’s when you desperately need to catch a glimpse of a Mike Hunt type for you can speak with someone that actually reads and provides substance to the conversation. Talking millennial couples suck while Mike Hunt fucks!
Museum galas, corporate sponsored work parties, even real estate agent networking events/orgies, just make sure to keep an eye out for Mike Hunt. As the wine soaked night continues to get increasingly boring, Mike Hunt can give you an interesting tutorial on exotic cheeses. Grab on to Mike Hunt since he wears a kick ass scarf and is never a douche when giving optimistic political opinions. Getting ahold of Mike Hunt will help you achieve nirvana and ecstasy. Say his name three times as loud as you can: Mike Hunt, Mike Hunt, Mike Hunt. The world definitely needs more Mike Hunts around. Everybody will benefit when Mike Hunt is the centerpiece of social hour. Like Mike, if you could only be like Mike. Be like Mike (Hunt).
Brian Ss