The Semaglutide Craze

Guys Losing Pounds-#1

Semaglutides. The hottest prescribed medicine in the United States. Originally developed for Type 2 diabetes, it has been hijacked as a weight loss shortcut. All across the United States, people (primarily women) have found a cure-all to aid them in rapid weight loss. No longer do they have to subject themselves to crash diets and endless cardio sessions. The GLP-1 receptor drug has already reduced the BMIs of millions of wealthy white women. It works by blunting appetite, slowing down the gastric process, along with controlling insulin and glucagon releases. Touted as a miracle drug it can be administered by oral tablet or through weekly injections.

Once Hollywood influencers flaunted their new slimmed down bodies, the semaglutide drug craze was born. Personalities such as Oprah, Kelly Clarkson, to Whoopi Goldberg now show off their svelte figures made courtesy by weight loss super drugs. Ozempic is the most recognizable brand name for this family of medications, but there is also Mounjaro, Wegovy, and Zepbound. For fuck’s sake the Kardashians are even launching an Ozempic-style supplement. They stay red carpet ready by manipulating their GLP-1 hormones to keep the baby weight off of their Armenian-American asses. This lineup of drugs is a God send for diabetics, but due to their over commercialization the prices have skyrocketed. Millions of fat-assed American consumers are now spending anywhere from $1000-$1500 per month to help them unload some junk from their trunks. Due to the law of supply and demand, the people that really need these treatments can’t afford them since they’re being outbid by Karens from coast to coast.

Since it is yet another billion dollar racket, sponsored by Big Pharma, more brands of semaglutides will be brought to market soon. One that is gathering steam is a brand made exclusively for men. Since men’s receptor hormones differ from women’s, a different chemical formula is needed. Meet Brozempic. It’s like Ozempic but exclusively for bros. This new and improved GLP-1 is like a wingman for that aging fat frat guy who always touted the term bros before hoes.

Once Sigma Nu, Chi, Omega, what the fuck ever, former frat dudes join the work force, they tend to maintain their old habits. Hard partying and bad diets tend to follow them throughout their twenties as they climb the corporate ladder and seek out intern ass. Once they hit 30 they’ve put on 40 lbs. and can’t fit into their Abercrombie and Fitch board shorts anymore. When Jake finally realizes that younger women don’t want to do shots with him and aren’t turned on by his Axe Body Spray, he thinks it is time to act. Getting a once a week injection directly into the dick, Jake starts getting results in 2-3 weeks. After 4 months he is back to his college body weight and pounding Natty Ice by the case. He’s back to fist bumping all of his fellow bros and the chicks are more receptive to when he asks if they have their tickets to the gun show. Thanks Brozempic!

Here we have Kyle. Kyle can’t help but thinking about his glory days in high school and college. He was something then, but in the real world he isn’t shit. Working at an insurance firm he is in his mid-30s and married with 2 kids. He has gained 70lbs of unsightly body fat in the last ten years. Once recognized for his bench max and massive biceps, this bro has gone soft. The only thing he has to look forward to is sports gambling on DraftKings and meeting up with his fellow aging bros once a month for a beer pong sesh/circle jerk. Unfortunately, Kyle’s growing gut has made it impossible to feel like his old self. This bro hasn’t seen his dick since the Obama Administration. After his last annual physical, his doctor prescribed him Brozempic. It’s been a seven month transformation but now Kyle is a sleek fuck machine once again. Wearing T-shirts that are too small, he regularly takes selfies at the weekend tailgates. Now when he jacks off in front of his friends after a brotastic game of beer pong, he does it with confidence and intention. Another Brozempic success story.

Logan is a walking, talking epitome of the finance bro. Sporting a Patagooch vest with Apple AirPods this guy thrives off of Red Bulls and laughing at his own jokes. He can usually be found getting mimosa drunk at a Hamptons brunch or kissing the asses of his superiors at corporate retreats. Living by the rise and grind credo, Logan prefers to buy low, sell high, and treats himself to Eastern European prostitutes once a month. Too many happy hours and not setting aside enough time to work out has made Logan fat and flabby. Since he’s too busy watching Asian markets and doesn’t always have time to get a pump, Logan has decided to give Brozempic a go. The results are staggering. Having lost 25 lbs. in three months, this finance bro no longer has to use cocaine to control his appetite and his mood is all Gucci. Since his clothes fit better he is always dressed to impress. Even after a 14-16 hour workday he can summon the energy to meet up with his fellow finance bros and partake in an elephant walk.

Rajiv is your stereotypical tech bro. Entering the scene as a nerdy programmer he has evolved into a mega millionaire douchebag. Selling his company that developed a networking app to connect industry specific bros, where fellow bromosapiens can transform into bromosexuals. This platform allows fellow bros to give each other bro jobs while they bro out from sunup to sundown. After earning a significant payday Rajiv went from serial entrepreneur to becoming a slapdick Silicon Valley VC. Nowadays you can find him active on the podcast circuit raving about crypto. Sporting a hoodie with flipflops and microdosing all day, Rajiv may be successful but at the age of 35 but the 80 hour work weeks have taken a toll on his health. No longer is he a “slim shady”, instead he is experiencing a diagnosis known as fatfuckism. Too many late nights and overindulging in the brotato chips has taken a toll on Rajiv. He can’t fit into his pants anymore and his man boobs are such that he needs the Cosmo Kramer creation the bro. Discovering that eastern medicine won’t fix his current condition he attends a clinic with a bro doctor raving about Brozempic. After only seven penile injections, Rajiv is starting to deflate and look better. With his confidence levels rising, he’s gone back to full brodom. Now he can keep on grinding, by buying stocks in Grindr, and verbally abusing his robotic Asian sex doll.

Chadwick “Da Champ” Jorgensen is a fortysomething consultant who longs for his alpha male days. He perpetuates toxic masculinity at work by telling sexist jokes and constantly saying “I’d hit that” to subordinates. Whether at an office function or slapping a guy in the dick at the health club, he lives and breathes bro code. When he’s not referring to himself in the third person, you can find him either at the strip club or giving high fives at Buffalo Wild Wings. Referring to his friends as Broseph, he’s always up for a fun time and to bro down at the hoedown. Traveling for work and drunken golf have wreaked havoc on Chadwick’s physique. At his last physical, his doctor informed him he needed to lose weight and cut back on the Busch Lights. Since Chad “don’t play dat” he takes the effortless way out and opts for weekly doses of Brozempic. In only four short months, he’s down 40 lbs. His self-esteem is sky high and he’s feeling like a self-righteous bro again. Now that his emotional maturity level is that of a 24 year old, he’s back to broing down with his boy Brody and hitting on high school girls at Hooters.

Brozempic is a wonder drug and is making middle aged bros feel like they are in their 20s again. Who needs White Claws and Viagra when you can get a weekly injection directly into the main vein. Once these douche-canoe dingleberries lose a few lbs. all of a sudden it’s always a special broccasion. The brofessionals quit brocrastinating and become broactive by getting with the brogram. Any brofessor knows that no bromance is brohibited. All these bros are yearning for is brostalgia and engaging in brohemian hedonism. Now whenever you see a former frat rat that got fat, one that still wears a popped collar at his white collar job, make sure to mention Brozempic. Once he’s at his former fighting weight, he can go balls out while doing a kickass keg stand with his fellow bros and go cruising for fat chicks.

Brian Ss