The Side Hustle of a Jimmy John's Employee

Freak nasty fast

Side Hustles. What was once called a part time job is now an economic necessity for the majority of working-class people in this country. Corporate careers, salaries, and hourly wages are no longer sufficient for normal folks to make ends meet. The hyperinflation brought on by the pandemic has made things infinitely worse. Grocery bills have gone up 30%, social services such as healthcare and education have become rackets, and I’m wondering when this country will have its let them eat cake moment. We’re all in denial that the economic system is rigged to benefit the billionaire class. The citizenry has been conditioned to think that this is okay, so they put up with it and surrender to the fact that they just need to make extra income.

In order to have the same standard of living that our parents had thirty years ago, most Americans have to work a second or third job. New sidelines have emerged where apps such as Uber and Lyft allow rideshare services for drivers can earn some extra income, when they’re not working their full-time job. It’s non-career-oriented employment but it helps folks pay their bills and keeps their heads above water for they don’t drown in debt. Our economy has devolved into a gig economy and we can all thank the Baby Boomers for steering our once great economic engine right off a cliff.

Chase is a 23 year old college dropout. Recognizing that higher education wasn’t making sense and that student loans were a path to a lifetime of indentured servitude, he did the smart thing and quit school to go work at Jimmy Johns. Jimmy Johns is the most brilliant assembly line of sandwich production in the world. They crank out delicious sandwiches in freaky fast fashion. General Motors could learn a thing or two about Jimmy John’s freakish stealth when constructing an Italian Night Club sammie. They have a great corporate culture and employee morale is high. Whether making the sandwich or delivering them to the employees at the local library, Jimmy John’s and their wonderful workers are fucking freaky fast.

Our hero Chase works hard but his monthly rent is criminally high. His slumlord just jacked his rent up 20% last month so he decided to develop a side hustle just for he can survive. Jimmy John’s is a great employer but they simply don’t pay their sandwich engineers enough. Chase has decided that he will take his freaky fast skill set and apply it to delivering baby oil to Puff Daddy’s freak off parties. He figures he can work a few hours a day, up to 10-15 a week, in delivering sexual lubricant in freaky fast fashion to one of Diddy’s sexual orgies.

Sean Combs may be in prison, but his freak offs live on. Ordering baby oil by the pallet, he always needs multiple 5-gallon buckets to ease the sexual friction when people are getting their freak on. Whoever the freak of the week is, once they’ve been drugged and properly lubricated, multiple freaks and geeks take advantage of them while it’s all being recorded. Chase provides a valuable logistical service to East Coast rappers. When it’s 2 AM and the lube supply has gone dry, who ya gonna call?!? Don’t freak out call Chase! He’s a known speed freak and his freakish speed delivers for you can have all the necessary lube to continue getting your freak nasty on.

Chase stays in the zone by listening to Freakonomics for he can impress his ultimate Freakmaster, P Diddy. Chase can usually rake in $500 a shift when he is prompt with the baby oil gel containing aloe and Vitamin E. Sometimes you need the enhanced product when gang bangs go on for 4 days straight. That is some straight up freak power at the freak off. These freaks of nature will end the multiday sesh by going on a freak streak across one of Diddy’s recording studios. But with his violent temper, Love will freak out at the women and throw them to the ground.

Much like Rick James, Chase has become a super freak in his earning potential. He is now making bank and will someday be able to afford his dream car, a 1971 El Camino. As long as he keeps that gravy train of baby oil flowing to Diddy’s freak show, there will come a day when there is no longer a need to be freaky fast at Jimmy Johns. Diddy is such a freak that he has been accused of sexually assaulting both men and women. There’s always a demand for truckloads of baby oil when you’re attempting to get your freak and creep on with multiple John and Jane Does. Chase now rents U-Haul moving trucks for his weekend transports of vats of baby oil. His guarantee is that if he’s not there in 30 minutes or less he will volunteer to be an unwilling participant in the freak off. Fortunately for Chase he is a control freak and takes a tight assed approach to his business model.

Taking his side hustle seriously, Chase has commissioned a FRee Evolutionary Algorithm Kit or FREAK, to help streamline the nonstop Diddy orders. He’s got to stay on top of the economics of baby oil. Since the Diddy demand is so high, the supply price can skyrocket on the NYSE. Reading the business book FREAK, Fantastic Rebellious Economically Amazing Karen, Chase is becoming more and more of an entrepreneur by the day. His freak power is impressive and he knows he can’t be weak, he’s gotta be a freak even while taking a leak. He will never freaking drive for Uber since that fucking corporation is friggin not cool to their drivers.

Even with Poop Daddy heading to prison for 4 years or so, the orders will still keep happening. If Daddy wants to smuggle contraband up his ass, he’s still gonna need some baby oil to ease the entry. When the new iPhone 18 Max comes out, he’ll need a fuck ton of baby oil to get that thing up there for the guards don’t suspect anything. With his kids visiting weekly and bringing presents, Puffy D will need even more lubricant to get the Candyland board game deep up his ass for it’s not confiscated. When Justin Bieber comes to visit, multiple buckets of baby oil will be needed to stage a wrestling match where he and the Diddler can tag team their fellow inmates in a plastic pool. Our freakishly fast side hustler Chase will always be there to meet the challenge and make enough cheddar to finally purchase that 71 El Camino.

Sean Combs, Puff Daddy, P Diddy, Diddy, Love, whatever the fuck you want to call him, is a sick fuck. His freakish freak offs would make Adina Howard cringe. She’s the kind of sistah that would get her freak on from late night to the early morn, but even she can’t go for four consecutive days and nights. Having spent tens of millions of dollars on baby oil, Did He purchases it by the trainload. When’s he’s in a pinch and needs buckets of that Diddy oil, he knows he can rely on a Jimmy John’s employee to make a freaky fast delivery for the muthatruckin’ cuckin’ and yuckin’ can continue. Both the sandwiches and the orgy action can be considered “freaky fresh” to “tasting is believing.”

Eventually Chase intertwines his two jobs and the slogans become synonymous with each other. From 10-6pm he’s living up to the hype at the sandwich shop by being “freaky fast and freaky good.” That credo also compliments his ability to get lube to a Diddy afterparty for the Diddler can have his way with an aspiring young artist. “It takes a freak to make a sandwich that’ll make you freak,” but it also takes a freak to procure enough baby oil for a Diddy freak off that’ll make you freak. “Eat, Drink, and be Freaky” where Daddy P assures you to eat, drink the spiked beverage he gave you, and be freaky while you are drugged. Chase delivers at both his main job and his side hustle and that’s what it takes just to survive in American these days.

Never judge a person on how they make a living. Some people have to grind it out in 2-3 jobs just to eat and pay rent. Walk a mile in their shoes and see how you like it. There’s nothing wrong with being an Uber driver or an Amazon delivery driver to make a few extra bucks for you and your household. Side hustles within the gig economy are the new norm. Just remember it can be very lucrative to be on standby to deliver baby oil to that bad boy 4 life, Puffy Daddy. He’ll eventually get out of prison or be pardoned by Trump, but there are beaucoup bucks to be made in delivering sex lube to a Diddy party in freaky fast fashion.

Brian Ss