The Truth About Men With Man Buns
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Man buns are a cultural trend that have been normalized in America the last several years. It’s a male hipster aesthetic that presents the wearer as a sensitive artistic type. Jared Leto is often credited with starting the current fad, having crossed over into the mainstream. Critics point out that it’s a prime example of the decay occurring in Western Civilization. They state that the heterosexual matrix is being blurred and gender conformity norms have been shaken. Female admirers of this manly mane trend defend them as sumptuous and enigmatic. Young women champion their adoration saying it makes a man appear young, wild and fertile. Whatever your personified stance is of the top knot there is something you need to know. It’s been an open secret on the man bun circuit ever since 2015. Every man with a man bun is an organic butt plug enthusiast.
That’s right ladies, Darius is sporting a ginger root apparatus between his man buns as you speak with him. He fashioned it himself with a pairing knife and a potato peeler. He feels that he’s so unique that he can’t get enough vital nutrients through traditional oral consumption. So every Sunday night, he whittles down some fresh ginger he got from Whole Foods, fashions it into a torpedo shape, and gently inserts into his man butt. This practice may seem shocking, but it makes his longer hair shinier and his personality even more sensitive.
Zane used to be a collegiate athlete but now he’s crossed over to the realm of personal trainer. His pulled back follicles demand respect the instant he struts into the gym for a sesh. He can show you a thing or two when it comes to resistance training and power poses in the yoga room. He has officially been nicknamed the MILF whisperer by his colleagues. He disciplines his body, eats clean, and sports a honey glazed parsnip up his ass 24 hours a day. Zane shuns snacking and feels that packing healthy vegetables up his anus is the key to good health. Ever since starting this practice, there is no denying that his swagger is more visibly apparent.
Roscoe is a scarf wearing, aspiring song writer who collects vintage sweaters. He frequently makes appearances at spoken word events in and around Boulder, Colorado. His dark propped up hair is of the undercut fade style. Complimenting his signature look, Roscoe sports a short beard to further enhance his individualistic expression. When he spills his soul out on stage, with his amazing poetic lyrics and guitar riffs, college girls take note. What they don’t notice is that “Roz” has a home-grown zucchini so far up his ass that his digestive process is completely reversed. He feels that by doing this it reduces his stage fright and helps his natural flow of beautiful verses emulate from his soft lips.
By day, Byron likes to rock climb and stand-up paddle board. In the evenings he’s a waiter at a fine sushi restaurant. Given his active and on the go lifestyle, he doesn’t always have time to sculpt his appearance. His man bun is of the full messy variety. Instead of spending exorbitant amounts on hair care products he takes a simplistic approach to vitality. Dipping an eggplant in sesame seed oil, he gently eases it in through a soft sitting motion. Once complete, he can hike into the local canyon and engage in some impromptu hammocking. Byron swears the pressure placed on his prostate gives his manhood more of an emoji appearance. He may be a cutie pie, but he’s doing a significant amount of carrying in his pie hole.
Magnus is a professional masseuse and moonlights as a Peloton instructor. This heart throb goes with the loosely knit bun where strands of silky hair gives it that perfectly loose yet firmly tied look. His strong hands and puppy dog eyes melts the panties right off his female clients. He is a healer and a fitness guru of the highest caliber. When he isn’t engaged in a soothing deep tissue massage, he’s giving shout outs on Peloton’s interactive instructor module. Magnus believes in the 80/20 principle, where diet is actually more important than training. And that’s why he boils a beet, carves it into a heart, and swallows it whole (up is butthole). He accepts the beet into his anatomy where it greatly enhances his circulation and wellbeing. Sometimes after a long, grueling Peloton tutorial, the beet juices will leak out of him much like a Terrazas de los Andes Malbec that has been spilled on the dinner table.
Now ladies you may think that the unmanly man bun invokes rebellion and free-spiritedness from that guy in your yoga class, but don’t judge a book by its cover. While on the outside he’s sporting an aBUNdance of man bun, on the inside he’s sporting a sweet potato to enhance both his beta-carotene intake and his mood. Push comes to shove, Buddhists and Samurai can rock the high hair look, but having a small bundle of asparagus deep in their man cave violates their belief system. Samson never went along with the vegetable craze. To him it would violate his inner sanctum. Only the men of the 21st century in the western world would give in to this temptation. So the next time you see some wild stallion in a coffee shop, with his mane done up, just know that some sort of healthy vegetable is going along for the ride, up his saddle.
Brian Ss
