The Truth About Throuples

The triple will trip you up 3x

Throuples. Where two idiots decide to bring a third idiot into the romantic relationship. Basically, in layman’s terms it’s a couple plus one. Combining the word three with couple, you get throuple, which could quite possibly be the most genius term in the English language. These modern-day love triangles are all the rage and the building block of polyamorous relationships. Yet another conspiratorial plot to upend the traditional family and debase western civilization. Apparently, this dynamic has gained favor in both heterosexual and homosexual circles. Some of the time all participants get along and there’s no unfriendly competition between rivals. Remember the Schoolhouse Rock song 3 is a Magic Number? Well in the year 2026 that is the anthem for all the throuples out there.

Throuples have been around since the caveman days. They’re nothing new. In today’s modern context, these mashups started becoming more mainstream fifteen years ago. The behavior of these connected relationships goes back for thousands of years but nowadays it’s more visible and even celebrated. Every time I watch a movie or episode of 90 Day Fiancé, throuples seem to be the hottest relationship dynamic right now. In an attempt at “redefining traditional relationship norms,” the men behind the curtain are trying to bring more attention to more fluid relationship structures. They’re not always sexual, some of the times it’s loosely consensual and mutual involvement must take center stage with proper communication. Whether this is a good thing or a bad thing, is in the eye of the beholder, but I’m certain this is not Vatican approved. 2 women plus a man, that’s hot, but 2 men plus a woman, that’s icky.

Back in my day they called this arrangement bigamy. Most states don’t allow for a man to be married to two women. That is unless you’re a resident of Utah or Southern Idaho, there they’ll let you have upwards of 3-7 sister wives. Bigamy is a skipping stone to polygamy and unless you’re Mormon or Muslim it’s probably not going to work out in the long run. In the eyes of the law, throuplehood probably doesn’t constitute bigamy since not everybody in the relationship is formerly married. This is how these types thumb their nose at the State and towards God when the menage a trois becomes official. Polyamorous relationships are just the next phase after pansexuality, and in terms of identification pansexuals are nothing more than an uber-enhanced version of a bisexual. Man, people are so hip nowadays.

This setup may sound sweet and very nice in the beginning, but eventually it will probably catch up to most people. Jealousy and competition are within the framework regarding the laws of human nature. People are naturally going to get their feelings hurt when there’s only so much love to go around. It’s tough to be emotionally invested in two people simultaneously since its exhausting and robs you of your autonomy. Most people can’t even handle one partner let alone two. How the fuck are you going to deal with two women yelling you at the same time for something you were supposed to do but didn’t. What’ll it be like when you have to keep tabs on two men that disappear on the weekend and want to hang with their buddies? And what sort of situation will arise when three gay men can’t come to an agreement on what wardrobe accessories to wear and which restaurant to eat at? What about the economical foundation of the throuple? Now you’ll be paying for a regular couple plus one. Going out anymore isn’t cheap, and in throuplehood it will add 50% more to your monthly expenditures. You’ll have to get a second job as an Uber Eats delivery driver to make sure Brandy and Ellie’s needs are being met. Minus the sexual component none of this makes any economic sense for both your time and pocketbook.

Remember Three’s Company? Where John Ritter, Suzanne Somers, and Joyce Dewitt were live-in roommates? They tried to play if off that they were flatmates and close friends but in reality, this was Hollywood testing the waters for throupledom. Jack Tripper (John Ritter) pretended to be gay to confuse his family values landlord, but behind the scenes he was shacking up with Janet and Chrissy. Three was never a crowd with hilarity ensuing and television history being made. This series was really the landmark forerunner for 21st century throuples. And what about the Dukes of Hazzard? We all know Daisy Duke’s sex drive was too much for just one man. Between wild car chases and evading Boss Hogg, Bo and Luke Duke were constantly engaged in sexual relations with ol’ Dais. Growing up in Hazzard County, where there’s not much to do, Miss Duke became a full-blown nymphomaniac. They may have been cousins but in rural Georgia in the 1970s cousin fucking was way more common than throuples. An Alabama throuple may sound gross, but it is just the way southerners go about their business.

If I was ever in a throuple, which I have no immediate plans to, I would make sure to hire some help. Dealing with one woman is hard enough, but two would be hell on earth. That’s why I would hire a black midget named Rudy. On the surface, Rudy is a nice little person, but when the going gets tough, he can be a rude dude. Being armed with a bamboo cane at all times, Rudy will bust out a couple of licks when the other 2 people in my throuple get out of line. Whacking them on the knees, hamstrings, and buttocks Rudy’s corporal punishment will be enough to get these two talking heads off my ass. I prefer to be complimented and left alone, only disturbed when it involves food and outings. When one of your old ladies decides to get out of line, disturbing the balance of the throuple, Rudy will be on the scene to dish out a few licks and maintain order. Just another thing to think about if you plan on fully investing yourself into a fucking throuple.

What if there’s kids in the household? Is being in a throuple an asset or a liability? Sure, there’s an extra set of hands to make lunches and chauffeur the kids to soccer practice, but what happens when a child asks why that Beth the nanny sleeps in the same room as mommy and daddy? Childcare is expensive these days so maybe in throuplehood this could be a good thing. Having another set of eyes to watch the kids and occasionally babysit would be awesome. And having sex with the babysitter/nanny/ “mutual friend” is an added bonus. But in social situations it may be a bit weird. How’s the kid going to explain the live-in roommate to his fellow sixth graders? Do sixth graders even know what polyamory is? Try explaining that your mom is in love with two men since one dick won’t do the trick. Maybe I’m making it more complicated than it needs to be, but these are hypothetical scenarios that may pop off.

Whatever happened to having a mistress or a side chick/side dude? Back in the good old days it was common to have another lover, but you kept them outside of your normal day to day life. You didn’t want those two spheres to intersect, otherwise worlds would collide. Nowadays, there is no shame in bringing in a third wheel to the bicycle. It’s not even taboo anymore it’s a menage a trois gone public. Group sex partnerhood is so in right now that Magnus+Jamie+Pat can go to the Whole Foods with each other and embrace one another guilt free. Why have plus one when you can have plus two!?! The triad can only be completed if there are a third line and a third angle, this is what props up the structure known as the throuple. Tyler+Erin+Flo are the most terrific trio in the neighborhood and will always throwdown for the throuple.

Being a member in a throuple must be a recurring sitcom since there’s always double trouble in trying to configure three different outlooks. You may be waiting to use the bathroom to take a shower, but you can’t since your wife went first and now Rick is in there scrubbing his balls off. Meal planning must be a shit show if one member of the throuple is vegan and the other one is on the carnivore diet. You’re surfing around for something to watch on Netflix even longer, since Mary won’t watch Heat because Val Kilmer reminds her of her ex. Political and theological discussions go awry since having two partners will probably upset the duality of the cosmos. On the surface it seems that having two flavors simultaneously is the greatest thing you’ve ever experienced but that experience is short lived when three people have to share a queen bed and Belinda constantly snores and farts.

I’m a little weirded out when it comes to these new age lifestyles and living arrangements. What starts out as a 25-year old’s fantasy, that a throuple would be living the dream, quickly deescalates into a strong dose of reality. People think that it’s nothing but trysexuals attending triathlons and sipping Tres Commas Tequila, but there’s more than meets the eye when you go tri. Intimacy between two people dissolves when there’s another roommate/lover in the household. Between juggling more responsibilities and having to procure more resources, on top of that you’ll have to hire a black midget enforcer. Rudy may be an extra $75k a year to include room and board, but he is money well spent. There’s a lot of emotional labor if you want to maintain a healthy triad and most people don’t have the maturity to hack it. There’s a 3x chance that this triangle will collapse on itself and the Pythagorean theorem won’t hold up. Unless you're a member of the FLDS living the high life in Southern Utah with obedient sister wives, polyamory for the most part is a dumpster fire. Just stick to monogamy or swinger parties once a month. You’ll release your sexual desires and don’t have to cohabitate with any of these sick weirdos.

Brian Ss.