The Ultimate Libertarian Paradise

Oppresso de Liber in Liberia

Libertarianism. An ideology college educated white boys flirt with throughout their twenties. Having made a huge comeback after the 2008 Financial crisis, this politico-economic worldview was popular with the Tea Party and is the official religion of Silicon Valley tech bros. A political philosophy that emphasizes unlimited rights and personal freedoms with no government oversight whatsoever, adherents believe that the free will of the individual supersedes any government institution. As long as the individual is not causing secondary harm to others when it comes to their personal choices, they should be free to do whatever the fuck they want without any consequences. Their belief system includes no taxes, no regulations, and that every service should be privatized. Basically, libertarianism is one step short of anarchy.

This movement traces its first wave roots back to Jeffersonian Libertarianism. Tommy Jefferson, America’s third president who fathered several biracial children with Sally Hemings, stated that those that want more liberty need to take on more personal responsibility. Wanting limited government, championing of individual rights, states’ rights taking precedence over the federal government, a republic over an empire, no monarchy whatsoever, and a decentralization of enumerated powers. These ideals were the forerunner of modern-day libertarianism, but Jefferson argued for this system to work the citizen needed to take on more individual responsibility and civic involvement if they want to enjoy more freedom. This is a far cry away from today’s crypto bros who want to do whatever they want and don’t want to perform jack shit for their county, state, or nation. The intellectual origins of 20th century libertarianism, which dominates today’s school of thought started in the 1940s by economists Milton Friedman and Ludwig Von Mises. The economic outlooks of these two academics set the tone for second wave Libertarianism which is justification for the self-proclaimed adherents of this philosophy to be selfish assholes and not repatriate anything back to society or the state. In a nutshell its the credo of the Me Generation and to hell with the We Generation.

I myself am guilty in dabbling in this -ism at one point in my life. I probably had a libertarian streak for 3-5 years before realizing that it was nothing more than an anarchist dystopia. I read the Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged on a monthly basis and had a super-sized photo of Ayn Rand over my bed which I consistently masturbated to. She wasn’t as hot as Vanna White, but by golly her theory of objectivism and man being responsible for his own happiness was enough for me to achieve orgasm several times a week. Sure, there’s a couple of redeeming features to this ideology but in the end it will never work. It’s a major component of the wealth gap in this country where the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and the middle class is slowly eroded. There is absolutely no justification for trickledown economics. Tax cuts for the rich make about as much sense as the pregnant man emoji. Reagan and the GOP’s fantasy economic system has hollowed out this country and gutted the social contract. Instead, you have trickle up economics best demonstrated during the pandemic where 4 trillion dollars was stolen from the bottom and made its way to the top 1%.

Most people would believe that Silicon Valley is the capitol of the world when it came to Libertarianism. I mean with such personalities as Peter Thiel, Mark Andreeson, and Mark Zuckerberg calling the shots how could it not be? Despite the anarcho- capitalist nature of the Bay Area, with zombies engaged in open air drug use within San Francisco’s city limits, you can basically do whatever you want. Both the billionaire class and the street level hobos can rewrite history and engage in public defecation because there’s no centralized authority around to tell them what they can and can’t do. But there is one place in the world that is the ultimate, ultimate Libertarian city state where there’s no centralized government to be found and you can do whatever the fuck you want. Where free will supersedes any sort of civilized outlook. Where tech titans are buying up beach front property and avoiding the 5% wealth tax proposed by Gavin Newsome. I’m not talking about Miami, the Silicon Beach of the East Coast, I’m talking about Mogadishu, Somalia.

Mogadishu, AKA the Mog, is the Galt’s Gulch of the 21st century. If Hank Reardon were alive today, he’d vacate his sanctuary from Ouray, Colorado and move it to this East African gem on the Horn of Africa. This exclusive economic zone has no taxes, no fee for entry, and you can handle your business and tribal disputes by blowing someone away with an AK-47. Despite all the potholes on the neglected roads and overall lack of economic infrastructure, because public works don’t work and everything should be privatized, America’s oligarchs are fleeing the Western Hemisphere to this sanctuary on the Indian Ocean. It’s beautiful beaches, tax-free haven, and white stucco buildings pockmarked by decades of civil war, have America’s oligarchs flocking here for they don’t have to pay taxes despite the fact that most tech innovation was created by taxpayer subsidies. These bros are no longer parking their wealth in Switzerland or Panama, instead the Federal Republic of Somalia is the global capital of libertarian tech goons in the year 2026. Because in Somalia you can do whatever you want, to include no Western government oversight, open seas piracy, and forcing your rivals to play Russian roulette until one of them blows their head off. No Sharia Law here, just good old-fashioned Libertarianism in a land where they have never known liberty.

With the “free market” alive and well in Bakaaraha Market, the billionaire technocrats and criminals from Wall Street can now engage in the free exchange of commerce unlike the overregulated markets of America. Finally, these job creators can spend their hard-earned crypto on things like anchovies, bandoliers of 7.62 rounds, khat, and forged Kenyan passports. For far too long the sensible regulations in the American experience has hamstrung these oracles from harvesting your 7 year old’s biometrics and data and obtaining lucrative government contracts that are directly financed by your taxpayer money. It didn’t matter if they turned you into a product or were massive recipients of corporate welfare, these self-made geniuses deserved every penny that they earned even though those trillions of pennies were taken out of a Walmart employee’s paycheck. Speaking of Walmart, even some of the Waltons are moving to Somalia in mass for their net worth can be $385 billion vs $380 billion. In Somaliland, Allah rewards the makers not the takers.

The great thing about Somalia is you can hire a private army. With Alex Karp’s most recent home purchase there, he now has a battalion of mercenaries at his disposal for he can roam freely and cross-country ski wherever he damn well pleases. With 300 killers outfitted with Russian fifty cals and RPGs, he’s free to skate the white sand beaches as he pleases. Then you have Mark Cuban. With the Dallas Mavericks out of the playoffs, the Cubes has been on a rampant spending spree as of late. Parking his yacht named the Fountainhead at the port, he was able to navigate his way to this Libertarian paradise by paying off the local pirates. Setting up shop and going on a lecture series circuit around Somalia, Mark loves to hear himself talk down to people who barely have enough grain for their daily sustenance. Despite the high infant mortality in the countryside this Ayn Rand disciple preaches his message through African TED talks. By grifting such talking points as the importance of private property, the unreliability of public goods, the necessity of corporate privilege, and the non-aggression principle, Mr. Cuban’s message is lost on the illiterate shepherds in his audience. After giving everyone a copy of the Fountainhead and saying this book is the holiest of the holies, Mark is chased out of dodge and forced to hire Blackwater for his personal protection detail.

Who is Mohammed Farah Aidid? A Somali warlord so powerful that he makes both John Galt and Howard Roark look like a bunch of fucking pussies. Having faked his death in the 1990s, Aidid and his powerful network of clan commanders not only run Somalia, the Gulf of Aden, and Minneapolis, but it is said he runs the world. Growing jealous of Aidid’s anti-monopoly message in the early 1990s, Bush Senior committed American troops to Somalia, not to stop a genocidal famine, but to kill or capture the father of third wave libertarianism. Despite evading capture from air mobile infidels, Mr. Aidid chose to go to the underground to preach his world view of freedom of choice and that tribalism far exceeds big government bureaucracy. Though this dimension of the story was personally omitted from Black Hawk Down, the true reason for Washington committing troops in Operation: Restore Hope was that post-Cold War libertarianism was seen as a threat to the New World Order. National governments and global governments will do all in their power to persecute their own citizens but will never succeed in squashing the free will of human individuality.

Even the Koch Brothers are getting in on the action. Inheriting their father’s business empire, Charles and Bill say no to an inheritance tax and yes to billionaires destabilizing democracy. Buying elections and throwing money at libertarian causes such as the Cato Institute, these Kochsuckers are hording swaths of land on the Somalian coast to build a castle with a moat dawning statues of Ayn Rand. This construction undertaking is projected to be more extensive than the Vatican or Versailles palace. It is a living monument to Ayn Rand that will be bigger and better than the Taj Majal. Even though Alisa Zinovyevna Rosenbaum spoke harshly of third world people in underdeveloped countries as savages, her moving monuments will be right at home just outside the promised land of Mogadishu. Despite being enrolled and receiving benefits from social security and Medicare until she died in New York City in 1982, the idol worshipping of this hypocritical cunt will go on for centuries. Somalia is now her new burial site with Mogadishu being renamed Ayn Rand City.

Let’s face it people, it’s not easy being a millionaire-billionaire-trillionaire. Once your bank account hits eight figures everyone wants a piece of you. Individual achievement in capitalist societies is what makes the world go round, even if your accrued wealth is accumulated by bribing officials and corrupting politicians in the public sector to help you make your kleptocratic nut. A select few in Silicon Valley and other industries have truly busted their ass for 18 hours a day, seven days a week to create innovations that benefit mankind. They should be rewarded handsomely and use those earnings to buy unlimited beachfront property in Somalia. Why buy up islands in Hawaii, when Ellison and Zuckerberg need to be taking their game to East Africa? Low tax business zones such as Singapore, Dubai, and Monaco invite the uber-wealthy in making those areas their own personal playgrounds, with their fancy yachts and private airplanes. But those destinations are yesterday’s Galt’s Gulches while Mogadishu is tomorrows. The next time you get some ants in your pants after reading some Ayn Rand and get motivated to make billions, do yourself a favor and buy up Somalia for pennies on the dollar. It truly is paradise for the producers where you can tell California bureaucrat moochers to suck it. Seeing Larry, Sergey, and Jensen riding stallions on the white sand beaches you’ll also run into Jeff Bezos pumping iron with Lauren Sanchez flying Katy Perry and Illan Omar around in her Blackhawk helicopter.

Brian Ss