What Happens When a Chik-Fil-A Employee Forgets to Say "My Pleasure"

For those that avoid pain and seek pleasure

Chik-Fil-A. The best fast food business model of all time. This well oiled machine is an efficient dynamo when it comes to churning out chicken themed food items. Everyone loves this restaurant. Even former LGBTQ protestors from 2012 have come back around and can’t deny the Fil-Ah’s yummy goodness. Morale is always high amongst employees. They are so well-trained to a point where sometimes the franchise feels a little cultish. I feel that one of these little blonde hair, blue eyed teens could outperform 98% of the professional workforce in Washington D.C. Stopping by a location the other day (Grand Junction, Colorado represent) both the cashier and my server rapid fired the phrase my pleasure without missing a beat. Whenever I’ve had an exchange with one of CFA’s employees I don’t think I’ve ever heard them miss it once. It can get a little monotonous at times, but it usually gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling. It’s always a more pleasant experience than dealing with a bunch of shitbag employees at the drive-thru of a Taco Bell.

This branded catchphrase has been around for over two decades. It’s an alternative way of saying you’re welcome or no worries. My pleasure also has a southern hospitality ring to it. Being a private Christian business from Georgia I wouldn’t expect to hear anything less. Perhaps a God bless you child may be in order every now and again. I hear my pleasure more than I hear amen at a Sunday mass. Chik-Fil-A has a wonderful employee training program where all of their little helpers are on the same wavelength and are overeager to fuck you up with a my pleasure. But what happens when an employee forgets to say that beloved slogan? They say it hundreds of times every day, surely there’s been a few hiccups and SNAFUs in the past. The answer lies in CFA’s internal correction methods and how they discipline their floor workers. This system is so effective that even the clumsiest employees will never forget to add my pleasure to the end of every customer interaction. The dire consequences are something that no one ever wants to endure again.

First offense. Trying to nip the problem in the bud, Chik-Fil-A’s corporate governance board suggests that the new trainee who forgets to say their golden motto be subjected to the punishment of spanking. It is the store manager’s responsibility to remind the trainees of their grave misgiving and to take them out back. Once there, they will be instructed to pull their pants all the way down to their ankles. With their bare ass exposed they are instructed to accept their punishment. The store manager administers fifteen hard iterations of taking their hand to the bald bum of their subordinate. Once the skin is red and flustered, with pain being inflicted, the employee can now pull their pants back up and head back to the front of the store. It is expected of them to never forget to say my pleasure ever again.

Second offense. Be it a trainee or a multi-year employee, every now and again people make mistakes. That is why Chik-Fil-A has a severe punishment program in place. To ensure it never happens again, and that all the happy families can continue to eat their chicken dishes and waffle fries, the second infraction is a little more severe. After an employee forgets to say the mantra a second time, punishment is reserved for after shift. After punching out for the day, the employee is then directed to meet the store manager out in the parking lot for a good old fashioned whipping. Once the shirt has been removed the store manager is expected to dish out 30 lashes to the insubordinate little shit who forget to say my pleasure. Once the back is bleeding and that scar tissue is ensured to take shape, the employee can put their garment back on. After the same infliction of pain that Jesus had to endure the CFA employee is expected to tighten up their verbal cues at work.

Third Offense. Sometimes you need to get cruel and unusual when it comes to doling out corporal punishment. When Billy keeps fucking up on the floor, by mindlessly forgetting to say it was my pleasure, corporate communicates to the franchisee that more drastic measures need to be taken. Neglecting Chik-Fil-A’s holy slogan once or twice is forgivable, but a third time demonstrates unacceptable habitual behavior. Time to turn up the pain and humiliation factor. Since Billy just doesn’t get it, he is forced to strip his clothes and coerced into running the gauntlet. With his fellow employees forming two rows, armed with rubber chickens and dildos, they swing violently with their makeshift weapons forming welts all over Billy’s body. Billy is made to run back and forth until he collapses from the pain and fatigue. Thanking the staff members for course correcting his criminal behavior one of them says “it was my pleasure” before hucking a rubber molded penis at him with all his might.

Fourth Offense. For the habitual employees that don’t seem to get it, a Pavlovian approach is introduced. Remember the movie Clockwork Orange? Specifically the scene where the protagonist Alex has to endure classic conditioning at the asylum? For the Chik-Fil-A personnel that can’t seem to remember a simple fucking my pleasure, when delivering a strawberry milkshake to Mrs. Whitaker, it is recognized and notated by his fellow employees. The employee will then be forced against his will to be tied down with buckles, strapping a cranial apparatus over his head, and having his eye lids pried open for he can watch a disturbing propaganda reel. Just like in the original movie, dominated by shorts of Nazi parades and blitzkrieg footage, to be combined with non-stop footage of chickens meeting their demise at a slaughterhouse. The psychological manipulation is supposed to make the Chick Fucking-A employee nauseous and experience abdominal pain when they forget to say my pleasure. Imagery of Hitler walking on the Nuremberg parade grounds, interspliced with chickens getting their heads chopped off with industrial blades, should condition the employee to never ever forget to say my pleasure again. The negative stimuli is meant to expose the young person to such horrors that they must do everything to preserve Chik-Fil-A’s good public standing.

Sometimes there are folks that just can’t be coached to better outcomes during Chik-Fil-A’s business hours. Despite aggressive counseling and tolerating a certain level of it was my pleasure neglect, there are a select few that just can’t be reasoned with. Three strikes of physical pain and humiliation, to include an added layer of psychological torture borrowed from the Ludovico Technique, doesn’t always lead to more desirable outcomes. Once the trainee is considered “undesirable for Chik-Fil-A food service” they are immediately terminated and expelled from American society. The male rejects are then sentenced to a tour of duty on the Eastern Front of Ukraine until they are either killed or captured by the Russians. Since they can’t get the message of saying it was my pleasure they are then trucked to a forward area near Kharkiv where they will be engaged in a bloody stalemate for the rest of their miserable lives. The female rejects are then sold to the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. After being fitted for prairie dresses and indoctrinated by false prophets, the newly adopted hardcore Mormons will become concubines for Warren Jeffs and his fellow seed bearers. Since it was too goddamn hard to say it was my pleasure after delivering two packets of ranch to a family dining in, these young ladies were begging for an even more severe punishment. It doesn’t get any worse than this. One day you are a 16.5 year old girl working for Chik-Fil-A, trying to save money to buy a car. Before you know it you are enslaved as a sister wife, carrying the child of some guy named Brigham Blodgett. If only you didn’t forget to say it was my pleasure.

With original chicken dishes and superior customer service, it is no wonder why Chik-Fil-A is one of America’s most admired corporations. Their customer loyalty is through the roof due to their well run restaurants and employee training program. Whether dining in or going through the drive-thru, the Chik-Fil-A customer service approach sets the industry standard. The constant it’s my pleasure is the lubricant to this finely tuned machine. The internal disciplinary policies are enough to scare the living hell out of any applicant, but once you are on the Chik-Fil-A team and say my pleasure five hundred plus times a day, you are a made man. So the next time you are enjoying a delicious #2 Spicy Chicken Deluxe with a peach milkshake, take a minute and listen. Nobody ever forgets to say my pleasure after every customer interaction and now you know why.

Brian Ss