Why I Started Going Back to Church.
Only 90 days until repentance
Church. A weekly tradition paying homage to the Big Guy in the sky. Growing up Catholic, I was forced to spend an hour every week in the pews and even had to attend a weekly religious education course. My household forced me to go up until the age of 18 as long as I was living under my parents’ roof. You know what they say, honor thy father and mother. It wasn’t all bad. In the pros department it was a good communal meetup with local families and friends. The biggest con was the reinforcement of the afterlife narrative to keep your ass in line and not sin your way into the fire and brimstone. Despite attending mass a few times here and there after college, I tended to stray away from the faith. It wasn’t necessarily that my relationship with God was on shaky ground, it mostly had to do with scandalous clergy seducing and making love to altar boys.
Having fallen out of favor with Roman Catholicism (the true chosen religion after Scientology) my life has been on a decent trajectory but find myself morally adrift from time to time. The mind, body, and soul of every one of God’s children has now become saturated with temptation through dopamine fixes and instant gratification. Social media and sinister distractions truly belong in the devil’s workshop and is a major disruptor of the Holy Trinity. Going through life now it seems that everyone has become morally confused with devious ideologies and have become spiritually empty. In the absence of God and church, whether you are a believer or not, most people will preoccupy their spiritual selves with alternative value systems that really only provide false narratives to living a good life. A centralized singular deity is a much better version of a world view than adhering to cultish groupthink and retarded doctrines. As the saeculum turns it appears that new age spiritual movements are dying out and people are starting to return to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Many people have described their “born again” moment when the voice of God or the collective consciousness speaks to you during a brief moment in your life. Sometimes it happens when you have hit rock bottom, or when you realize that the forces of evil have a stranglehold on humanity and Western Christian Civilization. Being force fed propaganda and mass media your whole life, it’s only when you get in touch with nature that you come to realize something is very wrong with the structure of our society. Some people will be saved but most will continue to be hypnotized by the devil’s distractions. Only recently did my eureka moment appear before me, demanding that I once again walk the righteous path through more consistent church attendance. After watching and consuming the first couple of episodes of 90 Day Fiancé Season 12, did the voice sound off in my head informing me that it was high time to go back to church and listen to the teachings of Christ.
90 Day Fiancé is a reality show on TLC and is a supreme example of decadence and decline of Western values. It’s where international couples go through the K-1 visa process and eventually have to wed at the end of the three-month grace period. With a 30-year age gap between couples, not to mention a massive cultural divide, arguments ensue making it world class trash TV. The kind that poisons your soul so much that Jesus makes an appearance in your life. When a Filipina twentysomething gets into a verbal altercation with her American sugar daddy, or when an African boy toy uses his American sugar mama for a green card, chaos ensues and it truly becomes unholy entertainment. It was said that Constantine Christianized the Byzantine Empire after witnessing the cultural rot that engulfed the Western Roman Empire. Bread and circus for the masses, with senators and generals engaging in immoral sexual practices, but it wasn’t until he watched an episode of 90 Day Fiancé where Cleopatra seduced a young Nubian man did Constantine decide to institutionalize Christianity transforming it into the Holy Roman Empire. Constantinople was named in honor of this great man, and 90 Day Fiancé was the catalyst for his implementation of monotheism on the former pagan Mediterranean coastline.
Like most unsuspecting dudes, you watch 90 Day Fiancé because your wife or girlfriend is a fan, but if you’re not careful, you’ll get sucked right into it. You think it’s okay to catch a glimpse or get a hit every now and again, but before you know it, you have a favorite couple. Becoming entranced towards this abomination after 15 minutes all of a sudden, you become a fan of Big Ed and know that he can do better than Rose. He may be short in height, but my main man Ed is a teddy bear and doesn’t take shit from no Filipina housewife. Walking with Jesus was the only way to break me away from this horrendous subplot. Or what about Gino and Jasmine? Gino being a dorky hat wearing guy from Michigan with Jasmine playing the role of Panamanian devil woman. The memorable fights and the meltdown caused by Gino’s trips to the strip club may be good entertainment, but it leads you away from the martyrdom of Christ. After an intense binge-watching session of Season 6 I need to go to go confession and confess to the priest that I have sinned by watching a TV program fit for the devil’s theater.
Becoming enamored with Danielle and Mohamed Jbali from Season 2, I knew I had a serious problem, and it was time to return to the faith. Addicted to the storyline of these two lovebirds, every time I watched them bicker, I was living in original sin. Accusing her Tunisian boy toy that is half her age of being a user and a loser, threatening to get him deported, this mother of 4 from Ohio constantly went ballistic on Mo for his social media activity. Recognizing that Mohammed was so desperate that he had to have sexual relations with Danielle in order to obtain a green card had me running to the closest cathedral and self-baptizing myself in holy water to get rid of the cultural filth I had just witnessed. Then there was Elizabeth and Andrei. Despite the fact they married, had children and remained married, Andrei’s gruff accent was always memorable when arguing with Libby’s family members. Season 5 was a wild ride, but Andrei’s blunt responses always offended Libby and especially her father. Witnessing the mail order groom business where Moldovan men are married off to American women left me confused and searching for answers. Luckily enough I was able to join a men’s scripture study every Thursday at 6 pm to wash the sin off from watching too much 90 Day Fiancé.
Born in original sin I attempted to live a virtuous and pious life for the first 22 years of my time on earth. Saying my daily prayers and attending church on a weekly basis, I felt that I was at least making an attempt to live in the image of God. The doctrine of the Vatican was the glue of Western Civilization for nearly 1500 years, so they at least had some sort of grasp of keeping the masses in line. I was an adherent all the way up until the story broke of the church’s failure to defrock a priest of molesting upwards of 200 deaf boys. Divorcing myself from this institution I unfortunately was susceptible to toxic ideologies and mass entertainment. Eventually bad habits and experimentation led to risky behavior such as drinking cheap whiskey and watching 90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days. Every Friday after a long week of soulless work, I’d retire to the couch to sip Kentucky Deluxe and watch Kimberley and Usman "Sojaboy" Umar’s courtship hit rocky patches. The young Nigerian entertainer was a familiar fixture that was featured with both Babygirl Lisa and Kimbaaaaly. Consuming this crap for two consecutive years I had an epiphany in a dream where Jesus came to me and told me to come back him and ditch 90 Day Fiancé. The next morning, I went to St. John’s, got rebaptized and became born again.
Slipping up and falling victim to 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way I became mesmerized with Kenneth and Armando. These two lovebirds with their dry humor and social commentary had no problem with PDAs whether they were in the U.S. or Mexico. Their legendary pillow talk sessions were quirky, always poking fun at their 26-year age gap. Breaking down barriers as a power gay couple this daddy and daddy chaser at least didn’t bicker as much as the fat and old American women with their rapper beaus hailing from West Africa. Despite their happiness and positive outlook on life, I eventually snapped out of the stranglehold this reality TV series had on me. Recognizing that it was all cultural rot, where producers manipulate couples to fight since manufactured drama sells, I heard the voice of God commanded me to move to an island in the Philippines. There I married into the local tribe and started my own dioceses converting the local heathens into good Catholics. Becoming a man of God AKA Brother Bishop Brian, I recognized becoming enamored in 90 Day Fiancé was the catalyst for me to run back to the Church. Reality TV and social media are tools of the devil’s broadcast and despite the sins of the Catholic Church, I feel enough time has passed for the altar boy scandal to be forgiven and only the Vatican’s new leadership can deliver us from evil.
Church attendance has been on a downhill slide since the middle part of the 20th century. Presence in the pews has been slipping since about the late 1940s. Our secularized societies don’t lead to unity instead it leads down the path of fragmented tribalism that is toxic for both local communities and nations. A certain amount of spiritual strength and nationalism are fundamentally necessary in preventing our brothers and sisters of falling victim to 90 Day Fiancé. Western Civilization has hit rock bottom and is entering the new dark ages. If we are not vigilant now, it will never come back. Temptation is real and the only thing worse than binge watching Season 12 of 90 Day Fiancé is getting off to midget porn. Heed your spiritual calling and head back to church. Once you are forgiven and are able to forgive others you truly are living in the image of Christ. All are welcome, whether in a place of worship or the Heavenly Kingdom, all you have to do is repent from violating the 11th commandment of Thou Shalt Not Watch 90 Day Fiancé or any of its spinoffs. Amen.
Brian Ss