Zeitgeist Guy
I’m a zeitgeist guy, a spirited guy of the times. Asleep at the wheel yet fully woke. A heterosexual homosapien, sapiosexual magnet, in vehement opposition to the metrosexual agenda. I’ve sought truth in advertising on false reality TV, I’ve posted pro-socialist comments on anti-social media. I’m a materialistic minimalist! A monotoned, bipolar triathlete, that always exceeds in the fourth quarter.
I’m squared away yet embrace circular logic, taking the short bus for the long haul. I’m a wrongheaded, self-righteous son of a bitch, wrongfully accused but always right on. I Netflix and chill, farm to table food I fix and grill, therefore I’m optimistic, pessimistic and every now and again a little eastern mystic.
Light-hearted with a dark sense of humor, light-headed from dark beer, moving at light speed for the dark meat. I listen to Lil Wayne, Lil Xan, Lil Kim, and Notorious B.I.G. I’ve got no need for the freak of the week. I’ve got no shame in my game. I’m a self-motivated, team-player, hands-on jerk off. A low-key, high-volume, detail-oriented individual who loses focus of the big picture. A fast-paced performer. A slow and steady wanker. I guzzle IPAs, I drink APAs, I sip OPAs, I piss on CPAS. I’m a full-on hangry FOMOphobic, JOMO lover that bros down with cisgenders. Anti-Probiotic. Pro-Antibiotic. Behind the scenes and moving forward.
I’m a heart breaking, love making, soul shaking, flaking and perpetrating shitlord. Victim-blaming, slut-shaming, and mansplaining. You can’t deactivate my triggered face. You can’t bomb my safe space. I’m practical, I’m tactical and hard alcohol gives me a soft penis.
I’m a tight ass hanging loose, clean cut with a dirty mind. LOL, LMFAO, OMG, YOLO, FloYo, FroYo? GTFO! Shaky with what’s at hand, giving high fives on the down low and pounds for an ounce of kindness. I drink White Claws, I shun black face, I watch Greys Anatomy. I’m a regular man child when it comes to adulting, without a single, solitary fuck given.
Avoiding the uppers, confronting the downers, tolerating the out of towners. I talk the talk, I walk the walk, always giving hard knocks to the cockblocks. I’m a corporate yes man that says no to drug addicted women. I’m an A-bomb, the B-Man, that uses the C-word, on the D-list, delish.
I’m a 90s man who likes 80s ladies with 70s bushes and big ass tushes. I drink white wine with my black friends, I shoot black tar with my white friends. Keeping it on the down low in LoDo, I drink SoCo in SoBro, I got a BOGO on my GoPro, and I killed a hobo at the HoJo. An overly sensitive, semi-evolved, chillaxin’, cray-cray, GOAT, hundo-p urban hipster.
I’m soy free, gluten free, dairy free, sugar free, GMO free, wheat free, high cost food stuffs, free range free bird, Freedom isn’t free!
I’m a man with a plan, never a soy boy. A fly guy! Bucket list? Fuck this! High flying and low riding. Insane in the membrane I drain the main vein, got pep in my step, I go rep after rep. Hustling and bustling, finding and grinding, rumbling and tumbling, wining and dining. I go cruising for a bruising, putting bros before hoes. I drink Highlifes with lowlifes and Sunday is fun day. I’m always on, look to the side and cough, and this is me signing off.
Brian Ss