Driving Under the Influencer

Do or die on the DUI

Influencers. Legitimate public figures or hucksters whoring themselves out to brands? These new age “celebrities” have infiltrated every aspect of your scrolling space. Getting in your face to trigger click and rage bait, you ultimately have to listen to their product pitch. With Hollywood and Madison Avenue losing their prominence over the past few decades, Big Tech has introduced you to a new lineup of personalities that explode every time you decide to check into your social media apps. From nano, to micro, to macro, to mega, young people no longer want to get a real job, they aspire to be an influencer to influence your ass.

The problem with these people is that they’re not everyday heroes. They’re not somebody you should aspire to look up to and model your life after. Instead, you should be influenced by Bill, the guy who runs a hardware store and volunteers his spare time to coaching his little league baseball team. Or Brenda, the woman from church who spends her free time helping out the homeless at the soup kitchen. But instead, we now enamor ourselves with the Paul Brothers, the Tate Brothers, the Liver King, and every one of the Kardashian Sisters. These people sell you a false reality and shamelessly advertise their energy drinks, manhood programs, supplements, and cosmetic products. Everybody nowadays is so overinfluenced that they now lose touch with reality, and it impairs their judgement. When one is so influenced by influencers it’s tough to navigate through life and drive an automobile. People nowadays are getting pulled over left and right and being harshly punished when they’re driving under the influencer.

Here we have Cheryl. After a night out with girlfriends, sipping mocktails since she refuses to drink alcohol, Cheryl and company have been chatting it up at a local bistro. Talking about everything from Timothy Chalamet’s bulge to which body lotion works best, the conversation turns to social media influencer and podcaster Alix Earle. Since Cheryl and her fellow girlfriends constantly consume the content of Alix, mostly regarding relationships and dating, celebrity interviews, and embarrassing personal stories, all five gals have been dumbed down by this hot young influencer. Becoming intoxicated and drunk off this false idol, Cheryl decides to go home hopping in her Tesla. After getting pulled over by the highway patrol, Cheryl fails the roadside sobriety test since she can’t walk a straight line after being overserved on gossip from Alix Earle. Having blown a 0.00 she is arrested anyway since her eyes are bloodshot from watching too many TikTok videos of Alix talking about her favorite move in the bedroom. The arresting officer informs Cheryl that she is being arrested for suspicion of D.U.I aka Driving Under the Influencer.

Having just finished his finals, and set to graduate in May, Tony goes out to celebrate with his boys. Since he’s Gen Z and has sworn off alcohol, this LDS stud muffin decides to head on down to a root beer kegger with his fellow jack Mormons. Getting hyped up on sugar and tutorials on the looksmaxxing influencer Clavicular, Tony unfortunately has become obsessed and hypnotized by the manosphere streamer. With his eyes glazed over from Clav engaging in jaw smashing, Tony then decides to get behind the wheel of his 1989 Ford Bronco. Swerving all over the road from being brainwashed by an influencer, this straight edger has developed a non-homosexual crush on the one they call Clavicular. After being stopped by a local sheriff and being falsely accused of consuming both drugs and alcohol, young Tony is then cuffed and stuffed in the back of a patrol car since he’s being charged with a DWI. Though he’s never touched the bottle or a drug, the state is charging this upstanding young man with Driving While Intoxicated (on douchebag male influencers). Tony was looking forward to the next chapter in his life but now he has to spend the night in jail and perform 24 hours of community service.

Clarence is a local town pastor who’s a devoted husband and father to five wonderful children. This Christian DILF hasn’t had a drink in nearly 20 years and plays softball once a week with other men from his ministry. Still wanting to socialize, Pastor Clarence limits himself to two Michelob Ultra Zero beers per game where he can sip N/A beer and still have fun. He walks the walk and could pass any walk and turn test in a roadside sobriety exercise. When in the dugout brother Clarence consumes the content of Jeffree Star, an androgynous cosmetics influencer, for he knows what makeup to buy for his twin daughters’ upcoming birthdays. Having watched this dude’s content nonstop for 40 minutes, Clarence has become influenced enough to by $200 worth of eyeliner from Jeffree Star Cosmetics. Mesmerized by Jeffree’s style and fashion choices, Clarence wraps up his game with a homerun proceeding to drive home. Being stopped at a DUI enforcement checkpoint, Clarence fails the roadside sobriety test, passes the chemical test, with the arresting officer charging him with DWAI, Driving While Absolutely Influenced (by a YouTube/Tik Tok superstar). Clarence vows to fight the charges and will present his case all the way up to the state supreme court.

Sister Mary Katherine has been a devout nun for nearly fifty years. She’s remained celibate and sworn off every vice to be in service of the Lord. The only mischief that she gets into is going down the rabbit hole on social media sites. Lately she’s been following Joel Osteen on Facebook, Instagram, X, you name it. Joel truly is a wolf in sheep’s clothing mesmerizing his flock with his bullshit self-help books and a monetized message. He’s been an influencer long before the smart phone and this Houston based “Man of God” has been hucking his bullshit for far too long. Unfortunately, the good-natured nun can’t resist this snake in the grass for he is an influential influencer to the nth degree. The devil is in the details, and Mary Katherine has become drunk off this man’s pride. After watching and listening to him on his views of tithing, this number one nun gets behind the wheel of her church’s short bus and decides to go for a joy ride. Swerving all over the road, the CHP finally pulls her over and places her in the back of a patrol car for driving dangerously from being under the influence of Joel Osteen. A quick search yields her web browser history of Brother Joel, and it’s decided that she’ll be sent to detox and undergo an exorcism. Ridding her of the demons that are the words of Joel Osteen, Sister Mary Katherine has been charged with OWI, Operating While Influenced. Being sentenced to 30 days in county lockup, the nun will have to attend TA (Televangelist Anonymous) for 12 months as part of her punishment.

You may think influencers are harmless, but in actuality they are part of a massive influence campaign. Distracting you with their little dances and speeches, they bait you in with their wanton desire for attention. Before you know it, you’re drunk off of their content and under the influence of their trendsetting gimmicks. The best thing you can do is just say no. Don’t fall prey to this distraction by design. The more time you spend scrolling and going down the rabbit hole, your BAC (Browsing Addicting Content) goes up astronomically. This puts you at potential risk for getting in trouble with the law and becoming dumber in the process. Never binge watch content on Instagram and hit the road, you may be putting yourself and others at risk.

Don’t let Silicon Valley’s enabling platforms put you under their spell. Be above the influencers, never under the influencers. Dopamine is the body’s natural cocaine and you’re much better off by quitting your phone. Instead, naturally influence yourself with things like vodka and vaping. You’re better off wasting your time and life with these gifts from the gods than doom scrolling hot young fitness influencers trying to get you buzzed on their camel toe and energy drinks they’re trying to sell you. If you do happen to find yourself too much under the influencer, never get behind the wheel of a car. Designate a driver, call Uber, or take a long walk home to sober up from all the influential influencers. For those that are too addicted to influencer culture you may be looking at a 60–90-day stint in rehab. Life is short, don’t get rizzed on some 25-year old’s yoga ass pants when time could be better spent getting fucked up on mojitos and bong hits.

Brian Ss